…Thoughts on adultery in this day and age
Marriage is beautiful: the union of two people who hopefully made a conscious decision to come together and make their relationship official. Unfortunately, irrespective of how heartfelt many couples’ vows were on their wedding day, the possibility exists that either one or both parties could have an affair.
I doubt that many people think about having affairs on their wedding day. The reality, however, is that some people will renege on their marital vows and seek comfort elsewhere, for whatever reason. Adultery is not a topic we like to discuss, but many people engage in it, and practically no one would ever openly admit to having an affair either.
In the last week, Nigerian social media has been agog with adultery-related stories. The woman who killed her husband because she found out that he was having an affair. Mercy Aigbe, the actress, who left her husband because he allegedly had an affair, and then went on to marry her ex-husband’s friend. Sammie Okposo, the gospel artiste, who had an affair while on an international trip, and then issued a public apology to his wife after he was called out by the woman he cheated with. The last two stories have predictably taken on more mileage as the participants are celebrities.
As usual, the social media court of public opinion has not been silent as people have weighed in with their opinions. The views have been as varied as the colours of the rainbow. Predictably, many of these views have been expressed from a moral standpoint.
People have been cheating on their spouses forever. Even the Bible documents an episode where Jesus encountered a woman charged with adultery. The religious leaders of the day had brought her to him as she had been caught in the act! One wonders what happened to the man she had been caught with though.
When we talk about cheating, we typically visualise two people tumbling through the hay. They probably do not have an emotional connection, and their need is just for sex. Many people who cheat on their spouses would argue that it was purely a physical act and nothing more. In some cases, emotions could develop, and then the cheating partners feel a greater connection between themselves other than the need for sex.
Cheating, however, may not necessarily be sexual as some people find themselves emotionally entangled with others without even having sex. It could start from a platonic friendship: the friend may meet emotional needs that the cheater’s spouse does not meet. Unconsciously, he/she develops an attraction for the friend, and they spend more time communicating with each other. Feelings may be heightened, but nothing sexual occurs.
Sometimes this is not enough as ultimately, the cheating spouse could begin to wish more from the friend and imagine a life with them. More often than not, they begin to give less attention to their spouse as their thoughts are always about their friend. A bridge has been crossed emotionally, and if care is not taken, such affairs could involve sex.
Technology, social media, and dating apps and websites have enabled cheating habits. Targeted websites such as AshleyMadison.com focus solely on providing an environment for people who want to have affairs. Thinking about it now, it is probably easier to cheat these days than it used to be before mobile technology took over the world. Conversely, it is probably also easier to get caught for the same reasons.
Why do men and women cheat? Why do they ignore their marital vows in exchange for one or several nights of passion with someone else? Why do some people risk it all when the fear of getting caught is real? Here are my thoughts:
- An opportunity presented itself in a moment of weakness, and they succumbed to it: they never intended to cheat
- They are unhappy in their marriage and seek a means of escape from their reality
- They deliberately seek other sexual partners because their spouses cannot match their libido or they are physically separated from their spouses for a considerable period and cannot “hold body”
- They are adventurous and seek the thrill of having sex with someone else
- They could be addicted to sex; for them, variety is the spice of life. It is as though a force beyond their control directs them to different partners
Do people who have affairs not love their spouses? Not in all cases. I believe some have convinced themselves that it’s ok to explore for various reasons. Some others consider it a one-off event even when they find themselves repeatedly indulging. They know they have broken their marriage vows but continue to convince themselves that it would not affect their marriage.
I often wonder at the amount of effort required to cover one’s tracks. Care would be required not to deviate from established routines. Extra time and money would be spent in ensuring discretion. Several alibis have to be created and then remembered. One would end up living a double life.
And what happens if they get caught? Many would ask for forgiveness and expect to be forgiven. They could promise heaven and earth that they would never cheat again. They could even bring friends and family to appeal to their spouse. Some have even been known to emotionally blackmail their partners, making them believe that they cheated because of something they did or didn’t do.
In all of this, it is also important to consider how our society considers adultery. The moral viewpoint is quite strong, and many would swear that they would not condone adultery. The reality, however, is that we are very forgiving. In non-African societies, a spouse would be encouraged to divorce their partner. Even business/political leaders would be required to step down from office.
Another thing I have observed is that society treats an adulterous man differently from an adulterous woman. We expect women to be demure and enduring irrespective of their marital situation. Many men cannot imagine their wives having affairs even though they willingly indulge. Men expect to be forgiven if caught but do not extend the same grace to their wives. And women often encourage other women to forgive their husbands while they do not support cheating wives. A bit two-faced, isn’t it?
Adultery affects not just the spouse but also the family. Forgiveness is key but repentance is more important. Like Jesus said in the story of the adulterous woman: “He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone at her.” And after her accusers had left and she was alone with Jesus, he instructed her to “go and sin no more”. This is the way I see things today.