Every Nigerian needs his or her sanity examined. What this country urgently needs now is the appointment of the Sanity Inspector of Nigeria (SIN).
The acronym SIN is appropriate because this is a land of sin. The sin we are talking about is as a result of our collective insanity. I think madness is a clearer word. In short, we are all mad!
I remember, one Tuesday, on Nnobi Street, Ikate, Surulere, Lagos, one young man wearing dreadlocks went stark naked and jumped on a table in the middle of the street, in his words, he wanted to “to prove that smoking Indian hemp does not make anybody mad!”
“Who says that igbo-smoking drives somebody mad?” hollered the bloke, taking a long drag on his heavy reefer and blowing a cloud of smoke into the air, with his unmentionable dangling down below. “I am here smoking ganja and talking sense to you to prove that smoking grass can never make you go mental!”
As they say, shame only belongs to the relations of the madman. The guy has since been taken to YabaLeft by his relatives.
Of course, this fellow’s case pales in comparison to the raving madness of our politicians. There are too many madmen and women parading as politicians and democrats in this country. There is the inescapable national need for a Sanity Inspector to check the mental state of anybody purporting to be a politician in Nigeria.
Time was when Nigeria boasted of Sanitary Inspectors who ensured the general cleanliness of the country; and Nigeria was amply rewarded back then by being ranked all over the world as a healthy nation. Now what needs to be inspected is the sanity of our so-called political godfathers, change-agents and change-the-change-turncoats; whence the urgency to have a SIN.
The head of the Sanity Inspectorate must be armed with the knowledge of para-psychologists such as the then celebrated duo of Dr Godspower Oyewole and Prof Gabriel Okunzua, both of blessed memory, so as to be able to foretell if the given politician would at a future date run roaring mad on acquisition of power.
You see, what generally happens is that these politicians start out as meek normal human beings when asking for the votes of the people. They only run completely mad once power gets on their lap. So the needed SIN must be able to tell the future.
It’s so sad that we let the talents of Godspower Oyewole and Okunzua go to waste when we ought to have used them to probe into the diseased brains of our politicians. The duo could have, for instance, foreseen the Twelve-Two-Third madness and halted it. And in this day and age they would have foretold the antics of that character that allegedly forged the NYSC exemption certificate only to suddenly appear on Facebook wearing NYSC uniform!
A very sharp Sanity Inspector would have known from the very beginning that our former president planned a Third Term to keep him in power forever. The SINner would have dismissed the Third Term dreamer thusly: “Get thee away from me, sit-tight power monger! You are hereby disqualified from politics for life!”
Like the godfather in Mafia movies, the SINner never sleeps. He can function anywhere – from the most local of local governments to the gilded throne of Aso Rock. His powers must not be countermanded even by the President. His task of saving us from the madness of our politicians must not be compromised in any way.
A crack SINner knows a sin when he sees one and would easily have told to-whom-it-may-concern that protecting cows while killing human beings is pure madness.
Any SINner worthy of his crystal ball of foreknowledge will venture further afield into the ruptured heads of INEC officials to stop them from the mortal madness of having favoured politicians scoring more votes than the list of registered voters.
The SINner will help to unscramble the diseased brains of political judges who give buy-and-sell verdicts. The SINner can free the EFCC from the witchcraft of selling fictional corruption stories like soft-sell rags.
An expert SINner can win the corruption war for Buhari by spiritually arresting all corrupt politicians through the occult powers of an expert witch-catcher.
The SINner can even venture into the heads of satanic journalists like yours truly and stop them from writing very demonic reports such as that demonic report of the President’s son enjoying the anti-corruption high jinks of riding a power bike!
Am I going mad too? Only a daredevil SINner can save the day…