Musings on gaining weight and the struggle to become bigger and fatter
Do you know that there are people on this earth who find it hard to gain weight and not lose it? Who would have thought that trying to pack on a few kilos was a problem? All I have to do is sniff food and bang, two kilos activated! God knows if I was in that position, I would be offering sacrifices and giving thanks daily.
To be honest, I have always known about the existence of this fast-diminishing population but who considers their struggles important when they have attained what all of the unrepentant chubbies eagerly pray to God for? Some of them even swear that they have pigged out several times but we the real foodies know that’s a lie.
Anyway, the slim shadys have accused me of being biased since my last article focused on weight loss. According to them, their struggles are real and if I can advise chubbies about losing weight then I must balance the scale and show them how to attain the rotund status they so eagerly seek.
I am not one to back down from a challenge that involves food, so to be fair to this demographic, which I am really convinced is as small as the number of people who live in Eko Atlantic city, I will be sharing some useful tips. These tips may or may not have been from my personal experience over the years but I swear, if you follow them religiously, you add weight very quickly. Consider this a one-month plan to become Yokozuna!
It goes without saying that piling on weight involves eating more food (actually eating more calories) than your body can burn. If you are really serious about this quest, you must set a start date. That will help you focus and prepare your mind for the new changes your body will experience. Your mantra for this mission will be “eat first, eat more, eat always”: you must always be eating something. Never to be caught unfresh? Naaa, never to be caught hungry! And if you don’t feel hungry, just keep eating. Hunger is for the weak and you know that’s not you!
Nutritionists have said that eating three square meals is important. Why they didn’t count all the various snacking in between the infamous three meals is beyond me, how hard was it to count beyond three? Off the top of my head, I can count at least ten meals: snack pre-breakfast, breakfast, high tea, brunch, afternoon boost, lunch, evening energiser, dinner, nightcap, and then the midnight snack.
They also emphasised the importance of eating all the food groups in proper proportion: more protein and fruits/ vegetables and fewer carbs, and drinking lots of water. Eat fruits and veggies when you are not a ruminant? Drink water when you are not a camel in the Sahara? Just don’t bother! You will also notice that pastries and junk food are not classified in the food groups, what type of childhood did these people have? How could they just ignore such important meals? Anyway, that one is for their pocket, you should do you.
Another lie that these scientists have inundated the world with is that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I don’t understand why people keep repeating this like it would end world hunger. The most important meal of the day is the midnight snack: the one you nibble or guzzle on either before you go to bed or when you wake up at 2am depending on your nighttime habits and gluttony preferences. These could be anything from chocolate bars to cakes, bread and jam to microwaved small chops, ice cream or even swallow and egusi soup (if you cut the swallow into little balls, it qualifies as a snack, trust me on this). And if you don’t enjoy getting your jaws exercised at that hour, you could drink soda, malt, energy drinks, or alcohol, these qualify as well.
As you wake up and prepare for your day, prepare to eat at every opportunity. Whatever serving of meals you used to have in your lepa days, multiply by three. Yes, eat three times your normal portion of food and make sure you finish your food. Remember you have to go through 10 meals a day and you need to get your energy up very early in the day. Always eat with large plates, it conditions your mind that you are destined to live a life of abundance. If you can eat from the pot, all the better: poverty will never be your portion. Ensure that your plate (or pot) must always have more carbs than all the other food groups. How else do you think you will gain the energy to feast throughout the day? More food, more energy, and if you start with swallow like some labourers allegedly do, you know you will be on an energy high all day.
As you go through the day, please do not hesitate to ask your family, friends, and colleagues for opportunities to taste whatever it is they are eating. Social bonds are strengthened over meals so your relationship with these people would be further enhanced simply by sharing their meals with them. Be generous as well, share your meals and snack stash with them: I assume you have a locker or bag filled with biscuits, sweets, chocolate bars, and chinchin? And a supermarket around the corner you can pop in to restock? These are very important, remember, never to be caught hungry.
Inasmuch as food helps in gaining weight, it doesn’t work alone, it needs a bit of cooperation from your body. This is why you must, as a matter of necessity, limit your physical movements. You must move only when you have to perform essential functions such as going to and fro the fridge or the kitchen. If anyone so much as tells you that you need to go to the gym, give them a strong telling off, what do they know? Are their orobo goals the same as yours? Do not allow these people who just like unnecessary stress to pervert your thinking. Stay the course and watch as you begin to fill out in all the right places especially your mid-section which will gradually rise like Agege bread dough in the oven.
Like losing weight, gaining weight can never be achieved in a day. However, unlike losing weight, gaining weight does not take as long a time. The results you want to see can come quickly but only through consistent, focused action exactly as I have outlined above. Follow my advice strictly and thank me later when you begin seeing the results. If you really want to thank me though, send me a large-sized carrot cake with pecans and almonds then I will know you heed advice properly. As always, this is the way I see things today.