Please keep my identity secret, the only reason I’m agreeing to this interview is because I want some of our young men to learn from my mistake. So please, skip that part about my name.
I’m a banker and I live and work here in Lagos but I play in another part of town you know, when you want to do shina, you don’t do it in the area where people know you, you go far. You don’t know what shina is? It means, flirt or carrying babes to have a good time with them. It’s a general term for…you know?
I had a secret, I don’t have confidence with women and this happened after I quarreled with one stupid girl I dated years back. She called me names and said my thing is so small she never could tell when I was inside.
See, that’s the worst thing you can say to a man! This statement took away my confidence, so much I was afraid of approaching babes, which is why I resorted to buying aphrodisiacs from mallams, you know ‘burantashi?” sometimes it can be agunmu, the powdery stuff they sell and you mix with water for Man power!
But me, I prefer the ones sold by the mallams. There’s the aphrodisiac chewing stick that mallams often sell around hotels and if you want a sure banker, try the ring. Ok, so maybe because you are a woman, you may not notice the mallams but men know that thing. As for me, I have a regular mallam I buy from, I don’t just buy from anybody.
Anyway, one day, a colleague of mine who was transferred from our Makurdi branch to Lagos said he wanted me to show him town and as a Lagos bobo, I wanted to prove that I knew Lagos and the hot places to go and get babes, you know how these things are?
Somehow, we ended up at Unilag. We were just driving through the campus, on a Saturday afternoon when I saw this babe, skinny like a stick and wearing an even skinnier pair of jeans. She was walking with another girl.
From the back, I could see her tight bum and straights legs with thay small space between her thighs. That sort of thing turns me on. So I slowed down and pretended that I was looking for someone in one of the halls.
Hummn, these girls are baaaaddd girls.
She knew I was lying but still volunteered to enter the car with her friend and take me to the place. I was shocked. These girls have no fear! What if I was a kidnapper or ritualist or something worse? Anyway, we drove to one of the recreation centres and I parked under a tree. I then told the girls I wasn’t really looking for anyone. I introduced myself and my friend, let me call my friend, Mikel, for the sake of identity.
Jummy, the girl I liked and her friend Lucy just laughed at us. Then Jummy said we looked like JJC, that they had seen us drive by earlier and knew we were looking for babes.
Lagos girls are too bold!
This kind of discussion only leads to one thing. So, we just settled and decided to go to town. For me, I had a new charm that I wanted to test out; a penis enlargement ring I got from my mallam. You just wear it on your dick like you roll on a condom, push it to the end and when you are ready it will make it grow large, you know, girls like that sort of thing. So we went to a hotel in Ajao Estate.
Why? Nobody knows me there.
We were in the hotel, ring in place and the skinny girl was ready on the bed. Action!
We had done the normal foreplay when I felt myself getting huge. In fact, Jummy saw it too and I heard her gasp.
It was big, massive like those boys in pornóies. Hummn.
My sister, I was so huge, me myself was frightened because. It began to feel uncomfortable.
So I just thought that when I entered the babe, then the discomfort would go.
But as soon as I tried to enter, the babe just bolted.
I mean, she took off from the bed and told me I would injure her.
” Ha you want to kill me for my mother!”
Ha, you must come o. I told the babe. please come, let’s do this thing.
She started pulling on her clothes.
I begged her. I told her I would double the money. I rushed to my wallet to give her more but she was just looking at my dick and shaking her head. This kind of embarrassment had never happened to me before with this ring. That was the second time I woul be using it. first time was so good, the girl even said ‘thank you.’
I begged the girl that I would be gentle, that once I enter, then I would start shrinking. But the stupid girl refused.
“I no gree o, you go wound me,” she kept saying. I thought this was an ogbonge Unilag babe, why was she suddenly speaking pidgin?
“I will be gentle, I promise, just let me enter small, please, just small…”
You are laughing, this wasn’t funny that day. it was hell!
I have never felt shame like that in my life, and I was in intense pain. I was crying at this time, I believed if the girl would just allow me enter her, the ring’s power would be diffused. She refused and began to scream for help.
At that time, i wanted to strangle her and just enter her because that would have brought it down but these skinny girls have loud screams that can bring a house down.
My begging didn’t stop her, at some point, I must have fainted because I thought my head would explode. The pain was just too much.
I was told the girl’s screams attracted Mikel from the other room, he too was with Lucy enjoying the afternoon. When Mikel came, he saw my predicament and alerted people. I was even told they got some area boys to carry me and try to release my penis from the ring with oil. When they couldn’t, they rushed me to this hospital. The doctor used something to cut off the ring and stitched me up. That’s how I came back to life.
You are asking if it hurts, ‘Hummn, we said Alfa got burnt, you are asking if his mustache escaped fire. Haba, of course I hurt badly. I can’t even bend but my Member is still functioning, the day it stops working is the day I die.
I don’t know how long I would be in the hospital but the story I’m telling people is that I have just been circumcised. It’s less shameful than the truth.
Have I learnt my lesson?
Hummn, you are still asking me that kind of question?
-Series compiled and edited by Peju Akande and based on true stories.