I’m not a fan of massage parlours. I don’t even believe I need a massage because I am very active. I jog every week, I do my exercises; pushups, pull-ups, planks…I am that careful with my body. In fact, I recently joined a fitness club at the community stadium and I have faithfully kept to the regiment.
Ok so, a few days ago, I strained my back as I was picking up my 6kg dumbbells. Now, I have always had issues with my back, sometimes due to bad posturing or sitting for too long, which is why I regularly exercised. But that day, I must have bent awkwardly and so, felt something shift, I screamed from pain.
It was as if I had a slipped disc; the pain was mind searing.
I asked my wife to step on my back, she usually did when I needed some form of kneading on my back and waist. She did but I didn’t get the much needed relief. I then took some pain tablets but got little relief.
At the office that day, everyone knew something was wrong with me because getting up, sitting down, even walking was agony for me.
I was hobbling like an old man along the office corridor when an older colleague told me I should go get a massage, he pointed at one spa, right across the street.
Like I told you before, I am no fan of massages but the pain I was in that day, was not the type that gave me voice to argue, I immediately checked that I had no meeting in the next few hours before hobbling across the street to the Spa.
Did I tell you this is in Victoria Island?
Ok so, I got inside, met one slim girl, in her late 20s, I think. I told her I needed a massage that my back hurt.
She was all over me like white on rice.
“You have come to the right place sir; we offer you massages and everything you desire.”
I didn’t take much of that in because like I said, I wanted the pain to go away, I thought by “everything I desired”, she was referring to the other offerings I read on the notice board, …aroma therapy, hot oil…
I said to her, “Please, just give me massage to relief my back pain.”
“It’s N8,500 and you pay before the service.”
I paid with my card.
“Step in here and remove your all clothes.” She pointed me to a small inner room and I went there to remove my jacket, shirt and trousers. I came out in my boxers.
“That too…” she said as she stared openly between my legs…
I shrank immediately.
“See, it’s my back I need help with, why do I need to…” she didn’t even let me finish.
“You have to remove everything and take a shower in that place,” she pointed to another door. It turned out to be a bathroom with a half bucket of water.
“Where’s the shower?”
“The bucket of water is there, sir”
That’s when I realized I may have entered one chance. I had to bend on a bad back to scoop water to “shower,” na wah for us in Lagos, o.
She threw a small towel on the door and asked me come out in the towel.
I am 6.2’, see my body, see my muscles…the towel she gave me was too small. I requested for a bigger towel because what she gave me didn’t even go round my waist, my “main man” and one of my balls were in full display.
The girl told me it won’t be needed as I would be lying on the gurney for the massage. Her tone wasn’t officious, it was…”wetin dey do you, you no bi man?” kind of tone.
As I walked out of the bathroom, she was right in front of me in one tight looking spandex- like one piece and she was looking down at my “guy man.” I felt myself shrink immediately.
But I had to act like a bobo who didn’t care, I said, “Where do I lie down?”
She pointed, I just laid face down on the gurney bed and waited.
From the way she began to apply the oil over my body, I knew this girl didn’t know jack about massage.
Na anoda ting dis one dey want, o.
I reminded her that my back was where the pain was and that I needed her to focus on that, so I could get relief and get back to work.
Next thing she climbed on my back and all I felt were her breasts rubbing on my bare back.
What is going on here?
So what do people come here to do, if she couldn’t even do ordinary massage?
I asked her, “…so what other services do you offer?”
“Hand job and the other one.”
Huh?
“What is the other one?”
“Sex”
The quick manner she said it sounded she would rather give the sex than the massage.
Fada!
My back was still hurting, mind you but I asked, “So, how much do you charge for it?”
“Sex is 15k”
“You mean if I want it now, you will give me?”
“Yes, if you want it but it is N15k apart from the massage…”
In my mind, I said, like Fela said, “Let’s do the thing we came into the room to do.”? (Abi if one no enter, maybe the other one would, even though I wasn’t even looking for it but if its in my face…teasing my nostrils…)
Then I asked, “Ok, so if I want it now, where’s your condom?”
She said she didn’t have one but if I paid, she would go and get one at the pharmacy next door!
Huh?
Then I got curious, “So who gets the 15k, you or our madam, the owner of the spa?
“It’s me who gets it, I am the one who serviced you and it’s 15k.”
So the waist pain I came to get relief for was no longer the point of my visit. All this girl wanted was 15k for sex!
I considered my options, it’s obvious she doesn’t know jack about any massage, she hadn’t even located the source of pain in my back and I still hurt as much as when I came in earlier plus I had already parted with N8,500 that I won’t get back.
That’s how I spent my lunch with that girl for the next 1,30mins or there about…I didn’t plan it, it came to me…willingly.
..I mean, she was all over me and before I knew it, I wasn’t groaning from pain any more…and no, she didn’t get the condoms. This is something I have never done before, never thought I would ever do, would never have believed myself capable of such…but the way the girl threw herself at me that day…we were at it and my back literally took a back seat until we were done! Then I hurt like hell.
How did I cope? I bought stronger pain killers at the pharmacy next door…and my back still hurts even as I speak.
Am I embarrassed by it?
No, am I not a red blooded male?
It’s the no condom part that worried me for a few days; I mean, I should have insisted on a condom, you know, she could just have finished servicing a customer before I came, no condom and after me, still no condom…you know that sort of thing?
Will I go back?
I don’t know, yet, o.
(Series written and edited by Peju Akande and based on true stories)