It’s hip to be macho. Only macho men have the constitutional right to marry many wives. You can quote me on that.
The macho man is a wise man. It takes great wisdom to accommodate many women. Let’s get into the Bible for confirmation.
The wisest man of all time, King Solomon, had 700 wives and 300 concubines. Without the help of a calculator I have added them all up to know that Solomon had one thousand women to service and nourish the wisdom of his macho self.
How can a henpecked lonely man in the vice grip of only one wife challenge the macho wisdom of King Solomon?
If you think Solomon is so far removed in time and place, let’s make progress on the home front. In traditional culture, using Igboland where I come from as an example, a man with only one wife is never addressed as “Nna-anyi”, that is, “Our father”.
As a heavily-endowed Nna-anyi with a bevy of wives, one glories in all the darlings coming from all corners pleading with “our father” thusly: “Please come and eat my oha soup… Beloved, come and eat okporoko and ugba… My heart, I have hot Nkwobi for you… ”
If you have only one wife, you only end up with harassment as per: “Papa Obinna, I used the food money you gave me to fry my hair!”
Ordinarily, marriage ought to start and end with the traditional ritual of the father handing over his daughter to the groom. No, the modern woman has added the killing dimensions of tying up the hapless man completely in the court and the church. This way, the hapless man completely loses his macho balls.
Through the court registry marriage and the church wedding one woman ends up owning one man totally. How can a man with only one measly missis compete with King Solomon and his one thousand mamas? I can swear on Fela’s shrine that it is only foolishness that makes a truck-pusher pursue a Ferrari on the highway.
Now that I have mentioned Fela Anikulapo-Kuti, that’s another wise macho man who got married to 27 wives in one cool day. My great buddy Fela never suffered fools gladly.
There was this time that Charly Boy invited Fela to a conference in Lagos on how to solve the many problems of Nigeria. When Fela saw the small room that Charly Boy had chosen for the conference he burst out laughing and said: “Na foolish man you be, you this Charly Boy! So na for this small room you wan stay to solve the mighty problems of Nigeria? Your head no correct o!”
Still laughing heartily, Fela left the place and went straight home to attend to his many wives. Charly Boy’s problem was that he had only one wife named Diane.
As I write now as a reporter in Lagos I am shown the report of this one-man husband of many-women from Benue State who died in action. The man was reportedly raped to death by five of his six wives. A man can rape but women can rape better even unto death!
The name of our man was given as Uroko Onoja. The man was said to have partied at a bar in Ugbugbu town in Benue State until the wee hours of the morning. Upon his return to his home in the morning, he decided to get fresh with his youngest wife. Call it the last action of no return!
Sadly for our man there was a gang-up of his five other wives who were jealous. These rampaging wives barged into his master bedroom. Armed with knives and sticks, the scorned wives began attacking Onoja. The determined wives eventually forced Onoja to have sex with them as well. Turn-by-turn was the word.
The hard man took the women by turns up to the fourth wife. When it got to the turn of the fifth wife the man suddenly stopped breathing. In short, the man died!
Horror-stricken, the five mamas who forced Onoja into the tragic romp ran into the woods. Two of the wives were eventually arrested and charged with murder and rape. Five wreaths for the five killer mamas!
The moral of our story is that while it is indeed very wise to have many wives like King Solomon it is crucial to also be more macho than a horse in order not to die in action like the Benue man of many women!