I am not mad, so let’s be clear here.
I didn’t know he was going to propose; ok, well, if I had known, it would have defeated the purpose, right?
At 29 years, I am certainly ripe for marriage, so its not like I am a spring chicken.
My mother has called; my friends think I am crazy; he thinks, I am mad and everyone is blaming me….
When he went on one knee, I should have cried and said yes and kissed him and pulled him up from his kneeling position and flashed my ring at every one gathered, right?
Well I didn’t!
We had been dating for a while, and in fact I had moved to his place but I wasn’t planning on marriage, at least not just yet.
I hate surprises, he of all people knows that, so when he proposed to me in front of friends and family, I reacted the way my brain was programmed, I said no and walked away!
I didn’t mean to hurt him or disgrace him or anything
Do I hate him? No
Do I have another guy on the side? No
So why did I say no?
I was simply not going to say yes because there are other issues at hand!
I moved in with my boyfriend two years ago; we had dated steadily for three years prior. Why did I move in? I liked him. He is a good person, really. I enjoy his company but I didn’t move in because I wanted to be his wife. I like him a lot, yes, I can even say I love him but for me, it isn’t enough.
He didn’t ask me to move in, I did on my own when after spending several weekends at his place, I had gone to work from his place once too often, I just thought I should move in. The move in wasn’t a sudden thing, it was one item after another, slowly, I locked up my one room self-contained apartment and eased into his three room. That’s how it happened.
When I moved in, I had friends who told me he would use me and dump me. They asked me not to live with him, saying, ‘So what if he leaves you? What if he uses you and dumps you?’
I told them, we are both using each other; and ‘Who says he would dump me? Who says I won’t be the one to dump him?’
Because he is a man, you guys assume the dumping can’t be done by a woman? I wasn’t planning on dumping, I was just saying, you know, so they would get off my case.
Yes, he was happy. I told you, we were good together. Which is why I think he thought marriage was the next step.
But here are the issues.
My guy is a good guy but he has anger issues. When he gets angry, he is totally like hulk, the green monster in Marvel. He tears out, breaks things, curses, insults me…it scares the shit out of me. Then he would calm down and be all,’ I am so sorry, it won’t happen again, I am trying to control my anger…’ and all that shit!
Where did that come from? Where did my loving, caring man go in the midst of that anger? First time, second time…chai, is this the life I would live?
I knew I wouldn’t marry him!
I told you, he is a good guy, I would still like to be with him because I truly love him and I know I can walk away at any time but to marry him? No way!
I am wasting his time?
Oh well, maybe I am. Maybe a part of me hopes he would become mature and master his anger; like ok, he could be, when I get angry or when I feel my anger boiling, I will just storm out of the house and go cool off. I am actually hoping that would happen.
It’s as if there are two people I am living with, one who is so loving, caring, the other who gets angry and all I want to do is run away from him. I fear for my life; with marriage, people would keep telling me not to leave but as we are, right now, I could up and leave if his anger gets too much for me to handle.
Have I talked to him about it?
Of course, several times. But all he tells me is he is working on it but…
When he gets into that anger, I would be on tiptoes for the next few days; fearing anything I say or do would trigger it again. I do not want that to be a pattern in my married life!
So I said, no
What we have is good…for now and I am happy with it but marriage? Nah! To commit to marrying him is to commit to a lifetime of pain.
Those are the issues!
(Series written and edited by Peju Akande and based on true stories)