Reflections on the costs of love through the relationship lifecycle
Every Valentine’s Day, many men and some women go all out to surprise their partners (official and unofficial). People splurge on gifts such as flowers, chocolates, cakes, jewellery, and gadgets. Experiences aren’t left out with entertainment centres, restaurants, and hotels experiencing higher levels of booking. Everyone wants to do something special and some people even throw in curated staycations or trips to exotic locations. Everyone tries, in no small measure, to display the full extent of their love and this is often determined by the worth of the gift or experience they give.
While I was browsing on X (formerly Twitter), I saw different people sharing the various gifts that they had received for Valentine’s but there was one that struck me the most. It was a tweet about a guy who took out three billboards in various parts of the Island to celebrate his babe (thankfully, it wasn’t three billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri!) It wasn’t enough for his babe to know he loved her, the whole of Lagos must also know—such a bold (and expensive) display of love.
According to the ancient Greeks, there are eight different types of love: Eros (sexual passion), Philia (deep friendship), Ludus (playful love), Pragma (longstanding love), Philautia (love of the self), Storge (family love), Mania (obsessive love), and Agape (love for everyone). When we speak of love, we often focus on the “butterflies in my tummy” feeling. That state of mind which involves beating hearts, fuzzy feelings, blinding emotions, and often, suspension of reality. Many people invest a lot to get to this stage or to get someone else to this stage. True love is what many seek, a love that’s sacrificial and considerate not just romance. But romance has taken over and with it, a greater focus on the material and emotional costs of love.
In the quest for love, we very often seek an idealised view of relationships or at best, we look out for romance as an indicator of true love. Some focus on the gifts, the events, and the material things that they get without questioning or wondering what they desire from the relationship they are in or about to get into. Society also helps reinforce this as friends and family are likely to request physical evidence as proof of love.
In the classic guy meets girl story, the guy is usually expected to do or give something that signifies his love. It could be as basic as a love note or as costly as a diamond ring. These days it could be anything from recharging a girl’s phone to buying her a car. The ladies are also expected to show their love in some way but typically, the demands of material expression of love are not as emphasised. That is not to say that women don’t provide material benefits though or that some men don’t expect it. Expectations from the average guy could be anything from cooking a meal to doing the laundry and ultimately lovemaking.
Dating, the period when a guy and girl get to know each other better, is usually the test of love or should I say romance. Outings to different places of interest, expenses on entry tickets, transport, and feeding, all place a financial demand on either or both parties. Then as the couple spend time together, they begin to make emotional investments in each other. The worth of this investment depends on how far they go along in the relationship as some could even end up moving in together with all the attendant requirements. As the relationship grows and both parties are introduced into the wider family and friends circles of each other, expenses and expectations further increase.
If a breakup happens and this is often not a pleasant experience, there is a tendency to think of the financial costs that have gone into the relationship, especially on the guy’s part. I have heard of people who, after a breakup, have attempted to retrieve all the gifts they bought for their partner. I think that emotional well-being is a more important cost to think about, as one learns to detach from the old love. People respond in different ways with some finding it easy to move on while others could experience emotional breakdowns. This could affect their relationship with other people and their work/ business. Some have even been known to need medical attention or therapy, another cost entirely. There is also the cost of potentially detaching from the ex’s circle of friends and family, connections that were cultivated as a result of the relationship.
Coming out of a breakup and into a new relationship requires that the dating cycle be repeated with a new person. New investments in time, resources, and emotions will have to be made with no proof of positive returns. If this new relationship stands the test of time, a proposal is usually the next phase. Valentine’s Day, being a day of love, apparently is also a very good day to propose and we all know the shenanigans that trail modern proposals these days.
Many people go above and beyond in executing the perfect proposal and these usually cost money. The “diamond ring” aside, there’s the event production and production team because, in many books, a proposal is as important as the wedding ceremony. Photoshoots, videography, mani-pedis, venue rental, and event planning costs. Why all the drama about a proposal though? I once heard of a lady who insisted on a formal proposal when their wedding date was already set! How did she agree to marry him then?
In many parts of the world, weddings are a big deal. In these parts, from the traditional wedding to the registry, church or nikkai, the ceremonies can be almost carnival-like. An event planner to handle all the little details, a large decorated hall fitted with all of the best lights and decor, many caterers serving different types of food, lots to drink, photographer and videographer, music band and DJ, asoebi (matching family outfits), and outfits for the couple and their bridal train are all required. Depending on the age and culture of the couple, these expenses are largely borne by either the groom, the bride and groom, the couple and their families, or their families alone.
After the wedding ceremony comes the marriage and then the true test of love. Many people wake up in marriage wondering if this was what they signed up for. How come I didn’t see this about her? Why didn’t he tell me this? I didn’t realise that my partner doing this was something I needed to worry about. A lot of adjustment is required to sync two people into one and romance alone can never provide the expected result. Sacrifice on both parts is key to ensuring mutual love and respect are given the priority that the relationship requires.
Indeed, love, like many other resources, is scarce. If true love were to be traded on any exchange platform, it would most likely be the most expensive stock. All of the emotional and material costs that a couple can ever spend will be dependent on how much they truly sacrificially love themselves.
Sometimes, a couple gets to the point where they decide that they are no longer willing to continue in a marriage and they decide to separate or even divorce. This change in status will also have an impact on each person, their children (where present), their families, and their friends.
Relationships are expensive and must not be entered into lightly. One must always weigh the cost whilst determining to give their all to the success of the relationship. We can only get out what we put in and keeping count is never a good way of measuring the value one’s partner brings to the relationship. This is the way I see things today.