We have seen them in films, read about them in books, witnessed them in hostels and now it’s rife on social media.
The fights between women over a man. It is mostly that of wives (main chicks) confronting other women (side chicks) in a bid to keep their man (cocks) and matrimonial home.
The said videos give bear out our imagination, in that the wife is always shabbily dressed, unfit, matronly and unkempt, whilst the side chick is always slim, beautiful, well made up and glamorous.
The scenes always generate the age long controversy as to the effectiveness of women fighting over a man and most people argue the merits and demerits of the women’s actions forgetting that there is a third party who is mostly present in the background but who doesn’t feature in the scene of the fights.
I often imagine the man, looking at the videos with a smug expression and being hailed by his friends at gatherings, after all, it’s not every man who can boast of being fought over in public and I imagine him going back to the side chick who will maximize the incident to her advantage by telling him she held her tongue and fists because of her love for him. I see him begging her, justifying his need for her, based on his wives actions by saying something like – ‘Now you see what I am putting up with and why more than ever, I need you in my life.’
Affirming his commitment to her and compensating her for the embarrassment she went through because of him. I see the man using the arguments and vitriol of the public to further demean, insult and punish his wife who will by then be undoubtedly embarrassed by her actions, wishing she never gave heed to her base instincts.
Of the three people involved in the fight, the wife is the most castigated and abused, the side chick and the man may feel some of the heat but they leave largely unscathed to romance another day.
Let me put it out here, I would never nor would I advice any woman to confront her husband’s side chick whether or not such confrontation is done in private or public and notwithstanding the fact that the side chick was the first to initiate the contact. My grouse will always be with the man who as far as I am concerned is the main instigator. No man, no matter how much I love him is worth subjecting oneself to ridicules and taunts. It’s is my strong belief that the women in a man’s life have no business with each other and if their paths cross, they should both turn on him and not on one another.
Having said that, I must say, that I understand the need to lash out at the most obvious reasons for our unhappiness. I understand what it is like to be betrayed and I do know the pains of betrayal and how it can make the most reasonable and composed woman act untoward. It does take a lot of self control not to fight the other woman especially when she seems to have all I do not have including “my man”. It is easy to condemn people until we walk in their shoes.
I however, find it ironic that women are the most vitriolic in our views and it saddens me that our voices are loudest against the one person who should have our support- the married woman, the one who said I do and is sticking to her vows, the one whose dress- sense and/or appearance should not be the focus of our opinions in the light of her actions based on her husbands choices.
These videos help to sustain a myth that the side chick is always better looking than the wife and sells to us women a palatable reason for why men cheat. However, we all know women who are beautiful in and out and very accomplished and yet their men cheat. In my opinion, our focusing mainly on the women and not the man at the center of it all helps to sustain the patriarchal line that Men will be men and should not be expected to be commit to a single woman. The truth is that people both men and women should be bound by their vows of commitment to one another. Also, when we make comments like when you go to fight with the side chick “don’t wear slippers or make your hair”, we unwittingly strengthen the wives feelings of inadequacy and add to the pressure women feel to ensure that they do all sort of things to their bodies so they can continually be attractive and keep their men.
I must say that I and I am sure a lot of women have been tempted to confront other women that we believe may have had unsavory dealings with our husbands but haven’t done so because of several reasons including the fact that the opportunity did not present itself, we were assured of our place in the scheme of things and so did not feel threatened by the other woman, we were not sure of our men’s affections and didn’t want to tilt the scale or because we felt and rightly so that fighting for a man was demeaning and not worth it.
If we have felt the urge to search out and physically deal with the other woman but have conquered the urge, do we have the right to condemn or make fun of the woman who for some reason couldn’t control that urge? Are we aware that some women have been brought up to believe that a woman shows how much she loves her man by fighting for him physically and some men actually expect their women to do so?
Are we also aware that some of us especially Christians have been taught that the saying “fight for your marriage” includes a physical fight?
I believe that there are better and far more effective ways of dealing with a cheating husband than to confront his side chick. Heck, there are ways that would leave the man speechless and humble the side chick and I agree that we must fight our battles with our heads not our fists.
We women must re-orientate others without demeaning or insulting them about the ways to get even with a cheating spouse. We must let them know that there are ways we can pass our message across to both our men and the side chick without humiliating ourselves or one another. We must also help ourselves to see that no man is worth the humiliation no matter how much we love him.
As for me, I have taken my stand and it will always be by the main chick no matter the way she looks.