Thoughts on men and how they cope with life these days
An old friend called me some weeks back. We had been tight while in school, but our friendship had waned over the years; blame it on work, career, family, life; all the usual excuses we give. It felt good reconnecting, and we decided to hangout later that week.
We met up after work some days later and had a lot to catch up on. He seemed happy but there was just something out of place that I couldn’t decode. The discussion eventually got to our personal lives, and I remember how quickly he said all was well. I didn’t press because I was also going through some stuff I didn’t feel like sharing.
Throughout the evening, I could almost see the mental struggle going on in his mind while we chatted. I was certain that he was trying to decide if he could confide in me. I know that struggle because I have also experienced it, and I know many other people who have experienced it too. It seemed like he was torn between sharing his feelings or just keeping his problems to himself.
We said our goodbyes two hours later and promised to keep in touch. I remember asking him again if there was something specific that he wanted to discuss but he assured me that all was well. “You’re my guy, I can tell you anything” was what he said. We didn’t speak for a while but we chatted on WhatsApp a few times.
Imagine my surprise when I got an unexpected message from one of those loan app companies saying that he had defaulted on a fifty thousand naira loan that he had taken. I called him immediately and he quickly dismissed it saying that he had forgotten to fund his account. A few days later, one of our mutual friends told me that he had also received a similar message about our friend. I brushed it off and repeated what my friend had said about funding his account until I realised that this message was from another loan company. I had to call my friend and after much prodding, I realised he was in a deep financial mess.
He had lost his job a few months before and hadn’t told anyone. He had tried to raise money through various ventures so he could meet up with his obligations. Things hadn’t panned out as he expected so he had resorted to taking loans. He was also dealing with family issues as a result of his inability to meet family obligations. I was shocked that he had managed to keep all of this to himself, but I was also sad that he hadn’t felt comfortable enough to confide in me or anyone else. And then I also remembered that I had struggles of my own that I hadn’t felt comfortable confiding in anyone else.
This incident is not unique as I have experienced similar situations with a few other people with issues such as career, health, finances, and family. A lot of men are going through problems they find hard sharing even with those who are closest to them. If in doubt, ask the men around you; your father, brothers, cousins, uncles, and friends, how they truly are. Don’t relent until you get a clear response.
It’s not easy for men these days. Everyone is quick to say “be a man”, usually in a dismissive manner. Every time a man hears this, he wonders if he can ever express his true thoughts to anyone. Would that be a sign that he was less than a man? Isn’t being vulnerable only for people who cannot get themselves together? Should he bare his soul and risk being judged or mocked? Can he reveal what bothers him and risk betraying his emotions?
When many men find it hard to meet expectations that have either been set or assumed by themselves, their spouses/ partners, or family members, they struggle with their sense of identity and self-worth. Society (and this means our forerunners, you and I) has done a very good “bad” job of defining who a man ought to be. Some of the stereotypical attributes ascribed to men include physical strength, boldness, financial capacity, sexual prowess, and emotional stability. When men default in any of these areas or cannot exercise any of these responsibilities, many end up confused and unsure about how to navigate the situation. This is because, from childhood, boys are socialised to take charge and be in control.
When it comes to the issue of emotional strength and stability, this is often misunderstood as a need to constantly suppress one’s emotions. There is always someone nearby to remind him to “be a man” when a boy or man attempts to display his emotions. When boys look for role models in the men around them, they may find people who do not know how to show their emotions; people who do not know how to ask for help when they need it. The inability of many men to connect with their emotions has cost them in their relationships with their wives, partners, and friends. The root of this issue is how children are brought up. When girls are taught to nurture but boys are taught to dominate, it is hard to expect them to be in tune with their emotions.
And then, there is also the part where some men have dropped the ball completely and abdicated their responsibilities to their wives and sometimes, their mothers or whoever is available to pick up the slack. In some cases, these men could be outrightly irresponsible, in other cases, they may just have become overwhelmed and checked out. No excuses for this behaviour though but it is a cry for help.
Thankfully, a lot of parents are consciously bringing up their sons in more wholesome ways. The fathers who decide not to replicate their experiences with their sons and the mothers who are deliberate about moulding boys who will be valuable to their families and societies. Change can only start from the home and every parent has an equal share in bringing up boys who would turn out to be responsible men.
As we celebrate International Men’s Day, I ask all the men, when last did you check on your guy? When did you last have meaningful conversations and share your hopes, fears, and dreams? When last did you stage an intervention for your boy who needed help but wouldn’t admit it?
Ladies, you should also check on the men in your life. Celebrate them, commit to understanding them and help them with any challenges you can help with. Not many men experience a show of love consistently, so show men some love too. Our society needs more balanced people, and we should remember the boy child as we also focus on the girl child: this is the way I see things today.