Thoughts on unrequited love
Oyemi and Jojo were both 3rd year students studying the same course at the university. They had been friends since their first year when they first met and they ran in the same circles. One day, it suddenly hit Oyemi that he really liked Jojo and after a short while, he made his intentions known to her.
She didn’t feel the same way and said she always saw him as a good friend and would want to keep their relationship platonic. Oyemi had been so sure that Jojo would feel the same way he did so he was surprised when she turned down his advances. Jojo on the other hand was shocked that Oyemi thought of her as anything other than a friend, what had given him the idea that she would think of him otherwise?
Unrequited love: having and expressing feelings for someone you love who doesn’t feel the same way and doesn’t reciprocate your feelings. The first time that I heard the term was in a movie titled “The Holiday”. One of the lead actresses, a columnist at a nationally regarded newspaper, was deeply in love with a colleague whom she used to date. Their relationship ended because he cheated on her but she still loved him. The guy had moved on and already gotten into a new relationship, however, he kept her close which fueled her hopes that they could get back together again. He would always solicit her help on work he was doing and seemingly always tried to get in her space. Of course, this got her hopes up and made her think he was still interested in her. The scales fell off when he announced his engagement to someone else at the company’s annual Christmas party. She was crushed.
I have experienced unrequited love and chances are that you have too: it was not funny at all. I kept asking myself questions: I thought she liked me too, why doesn’t she like me? Was it something I said or did? Is there something else I could have said or done? Could I have known that my advances would be rejected? Was there something I could have noticed to warn me not to even make a move? How does one even know that their love is unrequited? I’d say one of the signs is that the one who suffers unrequited love is unlikely to be prioritised by the other person compared with how they have prioritised them. In many ways, communication also becomes more one-sided from the lovelorn. All efforts to initiate contact are also usually from the lovelorn.
Men, being the “hunter” sub-species of the human race, are more likely to experience unrequited love, especially around these parts for cultural reasons. A man would usually make the first move and the feedback he receives would inform him of his position in the lady’s life. If the lady is uninterested and determined to remain so, the man has to lick his wounds and retreat forever or till another more opportune time. Some guys have even been known to persist in their advances till the lady caves in but I often wonder whether the hunt was worth it. Is there a possibility that she decided to say yes because she just needed to get the guy off her back? Will they both enjoy that relationship? or was she simply just playing hard to get?
Women also experience unrequited love but it’s not often as obvious for several reasons chief of which is cultural. A woman is unlikely to toast a man, at least not directly, and this would limit her direct exposure to experiencing unrequited love. However, she may be pining for the man, unable to express her true feelings to avoid possible rejection. Whilst she may not toast him, a woman is more likely to make herself more attractive in several ways, not just physically. She may seek to establish her presence around the man such that her intentions would be fairly apparent. She could do everything and stop short of actually toasting the man. Now imagine that she does all of this and the man ends up introducing another woman to her as his girlfriend. Talk about heartbreak.
It’s been said that women are more in tune with their emotions and there are research articles that can back this up. If we are to believe this, then we can potentially see how women react to deliberate or unintentional rejection and I dare say it is worse for them. Emotions ranging from surprise to anger to depression have been known to be expressed. Men, on the other hand, are said to be wired to handle rejection better and are unlikely to lose sleep if one woman rejects their advances. There are however some men who have been known to experience deep emotional turbulence because their romantic intentions were declined. Overall, experiencing unrequited love can be a heartbreaking experience and some people have been unable to recover from having their romantic advances rejected.
How does one deal with unrequited love, both from the requesting and receiving ends? I believe wisdom is most important as emotions are involved especially when it involves younger people who haven’t developed emotional strength. It is important to remember that one is dealing with another person and not make light of their admission of love. Turning down a romantic advance should be considerate without attempting to diminish the worth of the ask or the person.
What about overcoming unrequited love? One must come to terms with the reality that the other person doesn’t feel the same way as one does. Admitting this is a good first step, however, it doesn’t mean that one cannot reattempt to express their feelings in the future if things appear to have changed. Once one is honest to themselves about the other person’s lack of interest, moving on is very important. One should spend time reminding oneself why they’re such an awesome being, and seek people and situations that help to reaffirm their uniqueness. One person’s loss is also another person’s gain so one should be open to loving again and remain open-minded. If healing means separating oneself from the person who doesn’t reciprocate one’s love, then one may have to do so. And the worst-case scenario, if therapy or counselling is required, by all means, go for it.
Unrequited love is a state of mind that can leave one questioning a lot of things including their sense of judgement. It hurts for our love to be turned down by someone else. Rejection can often be taken at a deeper level leading to self-doubt. Some people have been so discouraged that they have avoided all means of displaying their interest. We need to realise that we are all unique beings and the fact that someone turns down our advances doesn’t mean that everyone else will. Everyone who seeks love can find love and this is the way I see things today.