Musings on the mentor-mentee relationship
I had a training gig at a startup hub many years ago. The founders were young and vibrant, possessing limited working experience but brimming with ideas. The hub provided them with guidance, business support, and exposure to opportunities. They, however, discovered that many of these founders were deficient in areas such as communication skills, understanding innovation, and business writing. I worked with a senior colleague who was engaged to address this issue. We designed the programme and delivered the training sessions. Each session was held once a week for about four hours, and the programme lasted for about five months.
Towards the end of the programme, Jerry, one of the participants, asked for help reviewing an application he was preparing to submit for a grant. I looked through his documents and offered my opinion. At the end of the programme, he asked if I could become his mentor; I was honestly uncertain as to how to respond: I was not expecting his request. At the time, I felt inadequate as I didn’t think I had enough experience to be a mentor. I was just not comfortable with the idea of mentoring anyone. I wondered if I would be able to meet his expectations, and I considered it a huge responsibility I was unprepared for.
I ghosted Jerry. I did not respond to his messages for a long time, I didn’t respond to his calls either. I thought it best to avoid him as I didn’t want to express the reasons for my unavailability. Looking back now, I am sure he thought I was proud and forming “big man who’s got no time” not realising I was struggling with my issues.
Mentors share their knowledge, skills, and experience with someone else (sometimes a younger or less experienced person) in areas where they need guidance. The mentoring opportunity aims to help the mentee become a better version of themselves. It is thus assumed that the mentor has already walked the path that the mentee desires to walk, and is properly suited to support that person.
People often confuse coaching with mentoring, but differences exist. Coaching involves guiding a person towards achieving a specific goal whereas the mentoring relationship is more advisory. Where a coach requires specific training in the area of their expertise, a mentor relies on their knowledge and lived experiences. Coaches focus on measurable improvements in performance on tasks while mentors focus on building a relationship that could enhance the mentee’s personal growth.
My earliest assumption about mentoring was that it had to be a one-on-one situation. Sessions would involve just my mentor and me, and we would have to meet physically every time. I now understand that a mentor could even have sessions with more than one person, especially when the issue involves that specific group. Also, mentoring does not have to be face-to-face; thanks to technology. There are so many virtual meeting platforms that provide a good experience. One could even be in a mentoring relationship with someone who lives in another time zone!
The mentoring relationship I have treasured the most, which some people either have not considered or subconsciously engage in, is what I call “mentoring from afar”. In this situation, you choose your mentor and that person may never find out that you have chosen them. Why? Because you don’t need to initiate a direct relationship with them. Instead, you keenly follow their lives, keeping up with news about them, watching their interviews and speeches, reading articles or books they have written. The downside to this is not knowing if the perception you have of that personality is real or not. The upside is having access to their experiences 24/7 albeit virtually.
Mentoring is a big deal. The mentee first needs to admit that they need help in a certain area; this requires self-awareness. Reaching out to a potential mentor or working with an assigned one is also another huge step: vulnerability is ever-present and many people struggle with this. The mentor, on the other hand, also has to respect the mentee’s trust and treat the relationship professionally. Even the mentor remains vulnerable during the relationship as they have to share learning experiences to identify common ground with the mentee.
I see two key issues when I reflect on mentoring. Firstly, many people expect their mentors to be perfect: people who can do no wrong professionally and personally. Secondly, an offshoot of the first. the likelihood exists that some mentors present a perfect image. They have their lives altogether, are the best at what they do, and have few failures and many successes. Managing expectations is critical in the first case, and identifying honest people in the second case is a process people have to undergo in seeking mentorship.
I remember a conversation about mentoring I had with an older friend many years ago. She was quite cautious about it as well as she recognised that mentees subconsciously or knowingly demand a higher standard of their mentors. She said something akin to: “what would happen if a mentee finds out I am equally as flawed? That the awesome person they see also has issues to deal with?” I guess this was the thought that came to my mind when Jerry approached me to be his mentor.
Most definitely, what attracts one to a person they would consider as a mentor is not the total of their lives. The closer one gets to the person, the greater the chances that they may experience a side of them that may not match with their initial perception. What happens when the mentee finds a chink of weakness in the mentor? A moment of reality! We are all human after all.
Everyone with a life experience can be a mentor, and I encourage you to consider this. However, I would recommend that you do not seek nor accept mentoring opportunities until you have thought through what it would require. You could ask yourself the following questions:
- Am I willing to commit to the process and a required schedule?
- Would I be able to share not just my successes but also my failures?
- Could I keep the other person’s trust?
- How would I handle a potential breach of personal boundaries?
- How prepared am I to deal with inordinate expectations?
I never got to explain my reasons for being noncommittal to Jerry but I hope he reads this article and understands why I ghosted him. I am now more comfortable mentoring people, but it has been a journey; it still is. You should mentor people too. Go on, be vulnerable, share your knowledge and experiences, be a mentor. This is the way I see things today!