Fellow Nigerians, there is a reason why Buhari is your president, and this is one of them:
The way some of you decide to act sometimes ehn, e chop my mouth so much I cannot fit to talk. For instance, whoever was it that included in the rule books that discussing someone else’s age, weight, personal outlook on life, grooming and other such matters; is an appropriate way to exchange cordiality and initiate conversations?
The other day, I had some guests who had kept me waiting for hours and eventually arrived just as I also arrived at a shop exactly one hour away from the house. They met my daughter at home, who immediately (like a “proper brought up son of the soil”), began to first run around to make them comfortable and then started contacting me to try and get me to tear myself away from the shopping I was doing, and come home.
I walked in to my guests and soon as I greeted them, the female of the pair turned to me and said:
“Vio, about your daughter”.
Of course, like every other well brought up African mother whose daughter coordinated guests very well in her absence, my ears stood up like Standard Trust Bank (of blessed memory), and I waited for the accolades to start dropping. Unfortunately for me, the next words out of her mouth were:
“You need to change her diet”.
Excuse you? What the funk are you tal’mbout?
“I said that you need to change her diet. Stop feeding her pizza and doughnuts, you need to start giving her salads and chicken”.
“Sorry madam, have you ever met my daughter in your life before”?
“No, but I just want to give you good advice”.
“What advice is that”?
“To change your daughter’s diet”.
“Are you alright”?
Just for the records, this was someone who had never ever ever in her life set her eyes on my daughter and had absolutely no idea whatsoever “if” my daughter had any struggles or not; or was already changing her diet, or anything. She had never seen my daughter eat anything, the poor girl had in fact been running around to try and make her comfortable; my fridge and freezer was full of fruits, vegetables, protein and yoghurt; and the ONLY pizza in my house, was the one this same haunty had brought with her as someone who allegedly had sense and knew she was going into a house where a teenager resided.
Yet, haunty was busy handing out diet advice to my daughter, using me as her proxy.
*insert long drawn out sigh here*
My brethren and my sisthren, if you already know me by now, you would know that the conversation did not end at “are you alright”? No, it didn’t. I reset her brain and I reset it good such that one long week afterwards, she was still wailing about the brain reset and by herself, was reporting herself to people to help her and judge whether the punishment was not more than the crime.
Thankfully, everybody she reported to, had enough presence of mind (not to mention more sense than her), and asked her what the funk she was expecting when she led a conversation with unsolicited criticism and advice?
A bunch of roses?
Taaaaa!
You see, these are some of those things a President with small sense and manners would have taught his wayward and prodigal children: that you do not discuss things like age, weight, physical appearance and sexual preferences of someone whom you are just getting acquainted with; and not expect Amadioha to deliver one well packaged thunder to you in response.
No, it is not you being “concerned”, nobody asked for your concern. It is called being a busy body and wailing when you get your just rewards just makes you look cluelessly unaware like your President.
Think about it, that you are slim, is not evidence that you are healthy.
And someone as clueless as you are may actually walk up to you one day and by way of conversation starter, say to you, “Nne, this one you look like a bag of bones rejected by the street mongrel, are you alright so? Sure you don’t have a wasting disease? Are you having mental health issues? Do you need to see a therapist? Eat some food girl, put some meat on your bones”.
You will not like it.
You will start wailing.
And calling for the judgement of Amadioha to fall on people’s heads.
But you, lazy Nigerian children of a cluelessly unaware President, you will meet someone for the first time and start yarning opata like someone who was conceived inside a vat of fermented burukutu?
Isssokay.
Thank God the earth is full of people like me who would gladly reset your brain at no cost to you or your maker.
If you like hear, if you like don’t hear – “You are fat, you need to change your diet”, is NOT a greeting.
Tenkiu.