Some few weeks back the story of a man who took his intended wife home to meet his mother for the first time was the most discussed story on social media. Apparently, the man had asked her not to wear trousers to visit his mum because she was adverse to women wearing trousers. The lady in question disregarded his advice and wore trousers, the mother raised hell and as a result the relationship was broken irreparably.
The story got people taking sides, some pondered on the wisdom of the lady in wearing trousers after she had been specifically begged or asked not to, others asked whether she could not have sacrificed her love for trousers on that occasion for the good of the relationship, others were of the opinion that it is better to refuse from the beginning what you will not take in marriage and yet some others vilified the man for not being man enough to stand up against his mother and tell her he saw nothing wrong with women wearing trousers.
I am of the opinion that everyone who had an opinion on the matter spoke some truth. It is true, that in some relationships, it is best to state from the onset who you are and what you believe, there is also wisdom in exercising caution before you show your true colors and there are times to let go of what you believe because you value what it means to another individual. Also when relating with someone who is an authority figure, like parents or employers or whose views are premised on religious beliefs, open confrontations may not be a wise option to make. The option to exercise in all situations really depends on the individuals involved, the issues on ground and the circumstances parties are faced with.
Misunderstandings will occur in every relationship we have, be it at the work place, in our marriages, relationships and as parents but it behooves on us to know that not all battles are worth fighting or even worth winning. The time and effort we put into making a point may not justify the returns and consequences we will get.
It has taken me years of experience to know this for a fact. I used to be the person who had to state my opinion on issues without minding whose ox was gored but time, age and experience have taught me that not all battles are worth fighting and certainly not all battles are meant to be won. I have found that some rewards of the battles I have fought are joyless, short lived and create more problems than they solved. As I knew myself better and discovered a larger outlook to life I realized that some wins I had, meant little or nothing to me in the big picture of life and for some, I found out that I didn’t really believe in the outcome I wanted and got. I had parroted what I felt should be the right course because I had heard someone say so not because I believed it.
In deciding between the battles worth fighting and those we should let go, the following points are to be considered.
- Knowing what is important to us. When we are able to prioritize what is important to us in a relationship we are better equipped to know what battles to take on and what battles to walk away from. The question to ask is “is this situation so disturbing or adverse that I must address it?
- Deciding on the outcome we want. If the battle we are fighting will not bring the desired outcome we want then we should refrain from going into it. There is no point fighting for fighting sake except we are being mischievous.
- Our motives for engaging. I have come to understand that many a time we fight battles on the wrong premise because we haven’t understood our motives for doing so. A lot of times the true motive for fighting battles is not necessarily the matter at hand but a build up of issues which have been left unsaid and/or unresolved. So when a small opening arises, we pour out the totality of our frustrations on the person which only serves in making the situation worse as the person cannot relate their present action with all the vituperative outburst being thrown their way.
- The worst case scenario, if the battle is lost. The reason for engaging others must always be the outcome we want to achieve. We should not only be able to project into the future and predict to some degree the outcome we want to achieve but the least desirable outcome and the worst case scenario if the battle is not fought. We may be surprised to find out that the worse case scenario may not hurt us or our position in any way.
- Would it matter in the long run. I remember when I was a teenager, I loved having my hair in the Grace Jones punk style ( edgy and eclectic) and my father used to complain a lot but my mother would say let her live her age she will get tired soon and she was right, after a while I choose other styles that belied my age. It’s the same attitude I have taken with my children, for me, hairstyles ( so far they are neat and clean) are not worth fighting over. The truth is that after a while they will outgrown the phase and settle down for something more befitting their age.
- The relationships with the person. We may reconsider fighting some battles when we look at the relationship we have with the person on the other side in order not to destroy the ties that bind us. On the other hand, not engaging in a battle with the person on the other side because of the relationship we have with them, may be enabling and negative so the question to ask is “will this battle enhance this relationship in the long run?.
Whether we like it or not because we are all different from each other, we will have run-ins with other people. We can’t change people neither can we change their beliefs and opinions but if we must live peacefully with others we must learn to fight constructively with the purpose we want to achieve in mind. We must be ready to look for a win-win solution, be prepared to lose some battles and also to ignore and walk away from some battle calls, no matter how tempted we may be.
We are yet in the early days of this New Year and there are bound to be battles coming our way; we must know which ones to fight and as we say in our local parlance which one to “waka pass” Life is too short to spend on battles that will not matter, in the long run. Have a wonderful and fulfilling new year.
“Choose your battles wisely. After all, life isn’t measured by how many times you stood up to fight. It’s not winning battles that makes you happy, but it’s how many times you turned away and chose to look into a better direction. Life is too short to spend it on warring. Fight only the most, most, most important ones, let the rest go.” — C. JoyBell C.