The story is told of a middle-aged woman who travelled abroad to help her daughter with her newborn grandchild and who refused to go back to her home and husband because she had fallen in love with her daughters’ neighbour who had proposed marriage to her.
The mother is said to have told her daughter and others that in the brief time she had known the neighbour, she had been treated better than her husband of many years had done and that she had endured her marriage for a long time and had no incentive to return to it. Her daughter was shocked, as she had no inkling that her mother was that unhappy and sought the advice of members of the public as to how to handle her mother who was adamant about not going back to her home and her father who was insistent that she return.
We may be surprised that the woman was ready to abandon her home and marriage after many years, especially for someone she just met whose love and character has not been tested but it is possible. There are many people of both genders who have been married for a lengthy period, who outwardly look happy and content with and in their relationship, but who confess to still being in the relationship mainly because of their religious beliefs, children and societal expectations.
For a good number of them, their relationships are void of abuse of any kind, they are in good financial shape, they have loving children, a lovely home and good jobs but they feel lonely and are alone in their marriage. One of them described it as “being in a relationship with one’s self.” The irony of it is that at some time in the marriage, they could say they were best of friends and companions but have found themselves co-tenants or worse, strangers living in the same house having only their children and shared assets in common, starved of companionship. Companionship being that state or condition of being together with someone else, usually in a way that provides friendship, company or emotional support.
We all need companionship. It is a fundamental human need that contributes to our emotional well being, personal growth and overall life satisfaction. So, it’s no wonder why some of us will upset societal norms, disappoint family and friends and go against our own beliefs and values in a bid to find someone with whom we can find some fulfillment.
I dare say that lack of companionship is the bane of most long-term relationships that end. The parties wake up to find that they have nothing in common and do not enjoy each other’s company. Some of them inadvertently find themselves in relationships with other people who are intrigued by them, with whom they can share their stories and who find those stories fresh and interesting. Others turn to work believing that they will find fulfillment in their achievements, many turn to technology burying themselves in television shows and social media in a bid to entertain themselves, yet some turn to their children or pets.
I know the feeling and I am sure a lot of us that have been married for a long time are or have been at a point when we have felt lonely and alone even though we had a significant other who slept on the same bed with us every night. I have often wondered how it is that couples get to this stage, this impasse where we no longer have much in common with someone with whom we once had the desire to share every detail of our lives and having asked several married people the following reasons top the list
- Hurt- It goes without saying that relationships open us to being hurt. People will wrong us, and no wound hurts more than that inflicted by those who have sworn to love and cherish us. We can be hurt either by the actions or non-actions of our loved ones and it need not be that they have cheated on us with someone else. Hurts could arise from being vulnerable and having our feelings either dismissed or invalidated or a mockery of things that are important to us.
- Offense-Many of us are carrying books filled with a catalog of offenses our partners have consciously or unconsciously committed against us and because there are unresolved issues between us, we can’t be friends. We fill our conversations with surface level small talk but can’t bear to share our feelings leaving them for our close friends or other partners.
- Resentment- this is often a result of and a culmination of unresolved issues that are not directly expressed either because we do not know how to have difficult conversations, or we do not trust our own emotions and what expressing them may mean to the relationship. It reveals itself in sarcasm, angry words and unjustifiable anger.
- Emotional disconnect – Parties outgrow each other and drift apart amid childbearing and rearing, professional development and surviving life. For a lot of us we find it difficult to reconnect especially when our values differ.
- Neglecting friendship- someone once said you can love people and not like them and I totally agree. Companionship is more about friendship and mutual respect than physical presence. Couples who are not friends will find themselves feeling alone and lonely.
I have been widowed for over 6 years and if there is one thing I miss it’s sharing life with a significant other. There’s something about having someone of the opposite sex with whom one can share their day, private jokes, rants etc with, someone who understands you and where you are coming from, someone with whom you can be vulnerable and feel safe, someone who knows you inside out and loves what they see.
I look at couples that have each other and like one another but for some reason, (often ego and pride) find it difficult to resolve whatever their issues are and enjoy their lives together and I wonder why they will allow themselves to be cheated of the joys of what being together can bring them. Also with age, I better understand people who leave long term relationships because they desire to be happy even if it is for a fleeting moment.
Companionship is essential for a fulfilling life and whilst it transcends romantic relationships it is key in marriage. The older we get, we are aware of how little our time on earth is, find out what really matters to us and the desire to be happy if only for a moment is stronger and demanding. The good news is that we can revive friendships if we put the work into it and it is worth doing. However, let us not castigate people who leave long term relationships, we do not know whether they were happy in them. The length of time does not make a good marriage. Photo credit