Thoughts on the evolution of respect based on modern influences
I can vividly recall an incident from my university days that left a lasting impression on me. It was when I visited a friend’s house and met his father for the first time. As a Yoruba boy, my friend prostrated fully in the traditional manner. I simply bowed down at the waist and greeted him. To my surprise, his father scolded me, claiming I lacked manners. He insisted that I should have prostrated fully, which I promptly did while apologising profusely. This incident made me ponder the significance of respect and how its interpretation and expression have shaped our society.
Things may not have changed so much though as I was quite surprised when a friend also shared her experience with her friend’s mum a few years ago. She had bent down to greet her only to be welcomed back up with a resounding “abara”: a slap on the back. I could feel the pain in my back when she recounted the experience!
While these experiences may not be exclusive to Yoruba culture, they serve as examples that readily come to mind. Growing up, I was heavily influenced by Yoruba culture within a fairly liberal family. We hugged and greeted our parents, aunties, uncles, and older individuals using terms of endearment like “daddy,” “mummy,” “aunty,” and “uncle.” As we grew older, we incorporated respectful titles like “sir” and “ma” or replaced greetings with “ekaaro.” However, these changes in language did not necessarily reflect varying levels of respect. Prostrating was not a common practice in our household, except when one of my maternal uncles became an Oba (a traditional ruler). It simply wasn’t a custom we were exposed to.
Growing up, I realised that there was a heavy emphasis on acts of respect. For example, I noticed that many people were hesitant to make direct eye contact with older individuals during conversations. Fortunately, this behaviour was not ingrained in our upbringing. When speaking Yoruba, we were taught to use appropriate pronouns that conveyed respect when speaking to adults. We also learned to add respectful titles like “brother,” “sister,” “aunty,” “uncle,” “daddy,” and “mummy” to their names, even if they weren’t blood relatives. As long as a person was a couple of years older than you, it was expected to use a title when addressing them.
My father was even more progressive in his approach to respect. He encouraged us to question anything we had issues with, fostering an environment where seeking clarification was not perceived as disrespectful. I remember a particular incident during my first year at boarding school when my father came to visit. We engaged in an animated discussion, and I stood beside him, expressing my opinions and objections with confidence. Some of my friends who witnessed this interaction were perplexed by my audacity to challenge him. For me, it was natural for children to engage their parents in such a manner.
As a society, we place great importance on respect, and various Nigerian cultures emphasise its display. While not all cultures require physical gestures like kneeling or adding titles to names, treating others with respect is a common thread that unites us. However, our perception of respect has evolved over time, influenced by Western media and foreign practices. Over the past 25 years, our world has changed significantly, with increased access to and reliance on foreign media. For instance, in Western programmes, children are often depicted addressing their parents by name, expressing their thoughts confidently, and offering unsolicited opinions. Consequently, we now have children who express themselves confidently at the risk of being termed rude. Children who are able to clearly express their thoughts even if it means disagreeing with authority figures.
Furthermore, the influence of Western corporate practices in our working world has contributed to this shift in how we perceive respect. Many organisations adopt a first-name protocol, expecting even entry-level employees as young as 21 to address their 55-year-old bosses by name. Such a protocol starkly contrasts with the expectation that one would never address their father, who is of the same age, by name. Individuals often experience culture shock when entering these workplaces and, as a workaround, improvise by adding titles such as “Mr.,” “Mrs.,” or even “Oga” before their boss’s name.
Culture is inherently dynamic, and as we expose ourselves to different cultures, we inevitably undergo a process of dilution. Embracing change can be positive when it preserves the core aspects of respect, such as showing consideration for others, being polite and helpful, seeking understanding and being understood, and exhibiting kindness and courtesy when needed. However, we must be cautious not to discard these fundamental aspects of respect even as we seek to abandon oppressive acts of respect.
If we are true to ourselves, we must acknowledge that many acts of respect in various cultures stem from oppressive practices based on gender, age, social, financial, or relationship status. Why do some cultures require younger individuals to stand when elders are seated? Why must women remain silent in the presence of men? Why should children be seen and not heard? Why should women not be able to question men? Why must a man eat before his family members? Why are younger individuals discouraged from making eye contact or responding when spoken to?
One question that I always ponder is why the older person is always presumed to be right. This mindset contributes significantly to many of the problems we face. If we are unable to express differing viewpoints simply because an older person has spoken, we run the risk of stagnating and missing out on potentially great ideas. Unfortunately, these practices have permeated corporate society, and many companies have paid the price for maintaining a heavily hierarchical power distance.
Another aspect to consider is the saying, “Respect is reciprocal.” Does it hold true or is it merely a statement people use to justify their ill-mannered behaviour? For respect to be reciprocal, it implies that both parties should mutually respect each other — an idea that I understand and support. However, it is also suggested that if one person does not show respect, the other person has the right to reciprocate with disrespect. This notion raises questions: Should I abandon all decorum and manners simply because I have been disrespected? Is this truly a sensible response? Must my expression of respect be dependent on another person’s disrespect?
In light of these considerations, I fear that our society may be losing sight of the true meaning of respect as we focus solely on external acts. Many traditional expressions of respect are being replaced, leaving older individuals unsure of how to respond and questioning the reasons behind these changes. Change can be a good thing but we need to be sure of what exactly we are changing: the acts of respect or the fundamental aspects of respect. Irrespective of how we evolve, we must all strive to retain the true meaning of respect so we can foster a truly harmonious society. As always, this is the way I see things today.