Coronavirus is the new rage in town.
All over Lagos people are covering their faces like masquerades in fear of the projected pandemic.
Me, I have no fear whatsoever for this menace called Coronavirus. After all, before the advent of Coronavirus there was Ebola.
Ebola was deadlier, and I survived it!
How can a survivor of Ebola have acute palpitations because of Coronavirus that is neither here nor there?
The late Colombian Nobel Prize-winning novelist Gabriel Garcia Marquez wrote the riveting novel Love in the Time of Cholera which garnered great critical acclaim all over the world.
Coronavirus happens to be a very small matter when compared with cholera which has been killing millions for generations.
Coronavirus kills only a paltry two percent of its victims and cannot in any way be compared to malaria for starters.
In the light of the fact that malaria and cholera can put the new disease on the block in the shade there is no need whatsoever to do a fat novel in this time of ordinary Coronavirus.
I have only resolved to write this very short piece as that’s what this new kid of a disease deserves.
It’s such a pity that Coronavirus appears to me as a puny duplicate of Ebola.
Ebola got into Nigeria via a foreigner, that is, the death-dealing Liberian Patrick Sawyer.
In a clear case of evil duplication, Coronavirus stole into Nigeria through another foreigner, an Italian of unknown bona fides.
Like in the case of Ebola where many Nigerians introduced plenteous cures like the drinking of salt, Coronavirus has inspired many Nigerians to announce many cures ahead of time.
A townsman of mine who has never ever ventured out of our local government area states with commanding certitude that chewing loads of alligator pepper is a surefire cure for Coronavirus!
Not to be outdone, or so, another fellow operating out of a dingy hole in Mushin, Lagos stresses that the cure for Coronavirus is good old bitter-kola.
Back in the day, bitter-kola was also touted as a cure for Ebola.
A pastor of one the sharp-sharp churches shouted “Mo ti ri” (I have found it) seven times and then revealed that doubling their tithes to his church is the fastest cure for Coronavirus.
The sharp pastor insisted that one would have no need for sanitizers and hand-washing once the tithes have been doubled.
It is worth remembering here that following the coming of Ebola sanitizers became such a hot cake. Corona Virus has also copied that original aspect of Ebola.
Regular hand-washing is another copy that Coronavirus has lifted without let or hindrance from the book of Ebola.
Wherever Ebola struck back then, fear and panic took over. Coronavirus has equally pressed the fear and panic button amongst Nigerians.
In the church, people no longer shake hands and it is now optional to take the Holy Communion on your hands or in the mouth.
God is so wonderful for delaying the coming of Coronavirus until after Valentine’s Day. Otherwise there would have been no hugs or kisses or the other matter in the other room!
Nigerians are eternal survivalists though unlike the rest of the world where Coronavirus is ruining things fast.
I understand that the tourist city of Venice has been deserted and emptied with the departing tourists crying: “It’s the last nail in the coffin!”
The makers of Corona beer are announcing astonishing losses all over the world.
As incomparable survivors, Nigerians are now putting the fear of Coronavirus to ingenious use.
In this age of the ubiquitous Social Media, Nigerians have resorted to sending messages such as: “When the police stop you on the road, just sneeze three times and cough four times…”
Boy, it works like magic, as the policemen would quickly flee so as not to be infected with Coronavirus!
Any bloke showing symptoms of Coronavirus can chase away a battalion of armed soldiers – just as was the case with Ebola.
One veteran Nigerian worker still waiting to be paid the promised new minimum wage has just screamed: “If Coronavirus is wealth, let it infect me!”
Anybody out there abusing me for joking with a vile pandemic like Coronavirus should remember that the Jonathan administration took no time at all to chase away the deadlier Ebola.
If “clueless’ Jonathan could deal with Ebola then there is no fear now that we have in place the “clue-full” regime of Buhari tackling the Chinese lower league affliction called Coronavirus.
I hereby swear on Fela’s Shrine that this “Change” regime will get Coronavirus technically defeated in short seconds like it has done with Boko Haram!
You wait and see!
