I follow quite a number of millennials on social media, especially on Instagram and I must say that when it comes to relationships and marriage, their outlook to life is refreshingly different from what I was brought up with.
Recently, one of them, Blessing Adesiyan, started what I would call a Mama Funke series on her Instagram account @blessing.adesiyan.
In one of the videos she was seen cautioning her imaginary children on a Saturday morning about going into their bedroom to wake up their father Baba Funke, who needed to rest after a hard week at work, in another video she was wondering why women were praising men for helping out with their children at home, in another she listed the jobs which we believe required a vagina to complete; jobs such as housekeeping, homework, grocery shopping, cooking, taking care of the kids, in another video she is begging Baba Funke to help her take care of the kids whilst she went to the market and/or travelled and in another, she is asking Baba Funke to stay some few days more when he travelled and wanted to come back home early because she needed some days of respite to rest from taking care of his needs.
Before you ask, she is a mother of four, happily married to a Nigerian man although they lived abroad for some years before coming back home to Naija.
As to be expected, her videos have drawn the ire of both men and women who believe she is instigating women to jettison the God ordained, culture approved roles of home keeper and child rearer and inciting them to further deride the menfolk. She has also been praised and admired by many women who feel that it is high time the issue of gender roles, especially in a marriage, are addressed.
As you may have gathered, I belong to the women who feel it’s time to talk about these issues because one major reason why we are seeing a lot of divorce both amongst couples that relocate abroad and those that stay at home is because women are chafing against the strains of maintaining the assigned roles we grew up with, not because they are suddenly growing airs because of their improved finances but because it is not practicable in today’s world and economy.
The model our parents practiced and turned over to us is not justifiable in today’s world . In our parents’ time, our mothers mostly took up the running of the home and the training of the children because the fathers were the main financial providers though even then, many mothers chipped in financially from their earnings to run the home. Our fathers were brought up with the belief that housework was beneath a man and that women best understood how to take care of the children and so they distanced themselves from anything that was seen to be the sole preserve of the woman and didn’t connect with their children emotionally.
Today’s woman is doing much more than chip in, at times she is putting in 50/50 and many times she is doing way more than 50 so it’s only logical for her to expect that if she is contributing equal or much more to what was traditionally the preserve of the man, the man’s contribution to her own domain should be increased. The truth is that no woman is happy if she has to contribute financially and the man doesn’t contribute in other ways apart from financially to the smooth running of the home and marriage. No woman is happy when both she and her husband come back from work and she goes immediately to the kitchen to prepare dinner whilst he lounges on the sofa watching TV waiting for her to be done.
I am not surprised at the number of women that feel that Blessing’s message is wrong. A lot of women find their value in being wanted or needed by their husbands and children even if they are at the point of exhaustion from working in and outside the home. They pretend that only they know what’s best for the children but the truth is that they are insecure and they think that allowing their husbands the children fathers to take care of their children would cause a shift in the children’s affections for them to their fathers. In their minds, they are the sole owners of the children and that’s why they think their husbands are helping out when they take care of the children. Some of them shield their husbands from getting too close to the children and vice versa because they want to be the middlemen through which both parties relate but it ought not to be so.
I am also not surprised that the men feel threatened because their “manhood” is being attacked but this is not a feminist agenda it is just saying that if we are partners in the marriage then we should partner justly and equitably each party giving their best and using their strengths for the overall good of the marriage not minding what tradition dictates.
I, for one, have never thought my husband was doing me a favor by doing chores in the house, bathing the children, picking them from school or caring for their needs. Are they not also his children? I have never travelled and wondered how the children would fare without me if their father was at home with them. Is he not their father? If he washed the plates in the kitchen or swept the house why should I be profuse in my thanks as if it were a special favor. Is it not both our house?
The female millennials are tired of the status quo and are taking matters into their hands. Many of them are not traditional in their thinking and way of life. They are aware that in the workplace there is no role specifically assigned to one gender and they wonder why that does not apply at the home front . They have seen the rise of male chefs, make up artists, designers etc and know that men can do what was formerly the preserve of women without any sense of shame or reduction in their manhood. They know household chores do not demean a man and are challenging the status quo both for themselves and the male folk for many of them are saying that not all women like to cook, clean and even nurture children.
It is therefore a tragedy to continue to equate manhood to being superior to a woman and being above certain chores or responsibilities in the home. It is selfish to continue to ask women to give equal measures both at work and at home when the men are allowed to shut off when they come home. It’s foolish to think a man is helping us when he is taking care of his children. By the way the unwillingness of men to “stoop” down to take care of their children could be a major reason why the children favor their mothers over their fathers when they grow up because as we all know being a father means more than being a financial provider.
The millennials are bold to say what women have wanted to say over the years, they are not saying it because they want to demean men nor because they want to shirk their responsibilities. They are saying it because they are tired of the weight of responsibility they carry and are trying to find a balance , because it is right and true and just and it is the way the world is going.