We’ve all heard of cancel culture, the practice of withdrawing support from public figures and companies after they’ve said or done something considered offensive. Consider Kevin Hart and J.K. Rowling, who faced significant backlash for their personal views.
We may also have heard of the cut-off culture which is the equivalent of cancel culture in private relationships and defines what we do to people we have toxic or harmful relationships with when they mistreat or offend us and our sensibilities
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The cut-off culture is growing in leaps and bounds in our world because more and more we are learning about boundaries in relationships, the right to safe spaces, self-compassion and respect, and what qualifies as a toxic relationship.
Some years back, I got talking with an elderly counselor in her 80s who asked me what was going on, as she had quite a number of cases on hand where the daughters were not talking with their parents or specifically their mothers in spite of all their mothers had done for them. There was a particular lady she was talking to, whose mother had single-handedly trained abroad, sponsored her wedding and gifted her with a car, and flat when she got married and who had stopped talking to her mother for over two years and denied her access to her grandchildren because she said her mother was toxic and always wanted to control her life.
When the elderly lady shared her concerns with me, I had put the incident and others like it down to the fact that mother/daughter relationships were often fraught with disagreements and toxicity if not well managed. But a post by Rachel Haack, a psychotherapist I follow on Instagram, made me aware that it was more widespread than I had thought and that there just might be a more insidious reason for it becoming the pandemic it is set to become.
Ms Haack gave the example of a young lady who under the influence and advice of her therapist cut off contact with her mother who had single-handedly raised her due to the pressures she felt from her mother wanting her to live the life that she (the mother) hadn’t lived and restored contact with her absentee father. The comments under the posts absolutely floored me as many parents stated that they were estranged from their children and grandchildren because their children had cut them off from their lives. Many were ready to admit that they were not perfect parents and that they had made mistakes which had strained their relationships with their children, a few stated that their child had not only cut off ties with them but also with their siblings with whom they (the parents) had a good relationship. Many said they thought that they had a good relationship with their children until they were cut off.
They all decried the fact that they were cut off without being given an opportunity to meet with the therapist and say their own side of the story and make amends and try to repair the breach. They all blamed the growing number of therapists and motivational speakers who advocate that people leave “toxic”relationships rather than repair them.
It is my opinion that the overwhelming importance we ascribe to self-preservation in our relationships and the idea of leaving relationships once they don’t serve us is one of the main reasons behind the huge number of divorces and the fracturing of the family structure we are seeing worldwide.
Please get me right, I am in no way advocating that we stay in toxic relationships and allow people to abuse and debase us. I am of the view that walking away or cutting people off is NOT the only way to end toxicity or negativity in relationships.
I agree that it is an easier way and I think that’s why many people take the route because
- It provides immediate relief from the stress and conflict in the relationship
- It’s an escape route to avoid confronting others and having difficult conversations especially in a parent/child relationship due to the likelihood of emotional blackmail and the emotional drain having those difficult conversations require,
- Repairing a relationship often requires effective communication skills, emotional intelligence, and sometimes professional mediation or counseling and not everyone has access to these resources or feels equipped to use them,
- Negative experiences with attempts at repairing relationships may lead to a belief that repair is not worth the effort or unlikely to succeed
- Media portrayals of strong boundaries and the therapist who advocates self-care above all, is making cutting people off being seen as an acceptable and even preferred therapeutic method of dealing with conflict.
Definitely, leaving a toxic relationship brings an immediate sense of well being but the question we should ask is what is toxicity and define it in our own situation. Is the presence of disagreement toxic? Or a parent’s desire to give their child the best of a world they didn’t have and push them to be the best version of themselves toxic? Does the negative parts of a person’s personality without any malfeasance on their part mean they are toxic? If the relationship was not abusive physically or emotionally but fraught with difficulties, is it toxic? Are we ourselves not guilty of being toxic at times in our relationships?
Although we may think cutting people off is the answer to a difficult relationship the truth is that there are inevitable situations where we can’t remove people from our lives and although we may want to balance the good against the evil, cutting someone off can be emotionally challenging, especially if the person is a close friend or family member. The process can involve feelings of guilt, sadness and loss, which can be difficult to navigate. It can lead to social isolation, particularly if the person being cut off is part of a larger social or family network resulting in a reduced support system and feelings of loneliness. Most importantly, it leaves the underlying issues unresolved and there is the danger of the same patterns repeating themselves in future relationships because we have not addressed the root cause of the conflict.
Finally, decisions made in the heat of the moment can lead to regret. Over time, perspectives change, and one may find that the reasons for cutting someone off no longer seem as significant, leading to feelings of remorse. This is especially true when the person becomes ill or dies.
As Ellie Hughes said in her article titled, “I’m not cutting out toxic people this year and here’s why” “when we cut people out of our lives, we lose the opportunity to grow and understand their perspective, we rob ourselves and others of the relationship we could have had with them”. So you may want to consider doing the following if you have difficult relationships with someone.
- Consider the overall impact of the relationship on your life. Are the negative aspects outweighing the positive ones and would you want people to cut you off because of your shortcomings?
- Communicate: If possible, have an open and honest conversation with the person involved. Sometimes, misunderstandings can be resolved through effective communication.
- Seek Support: Discuss your situation with a trusted friend, family member or certified therapist as they can provide valuable perspective and support during the decision-making process. Note that not every therapist or coach is a good therapist, not all these mushroom coaches who speak from dysfunctional lives..
- Set Boundaries: If cutting someone off feels too drastic, consider setting clear boundaries instead. This can help manage the relationship without completely severing ties.
“May we all become strong enough to set limits around harmful behaviours rather than striking matches and burning bridges because most often than not, those bridges are worth repairing”- Ellie Hughes.