I have a son. It is my hope that someday, he’ll get married, and have a family of his own.
I have labored for this son. I will not think twice before I do anything for him because he is my son. This is regardless of what he does in response to what I do or did for him. My first instinct towards him is to love him and ensure his well-being. When he gets married, I would like to be a part of his life. I would like to be a part of his children’s life. I would like to be friends with his wife, too, and help his family navigate areas I once did since I have experience on my side.
However, if my son or his wife feel the need not to include me in areas where I think they ought to. I will take it as my cue to step back and let them learn about life themselves.
You may have noticed the children my generation is raising are a me-myself and I generation.
I have also observed like many in my generation that we actually would like to have a life after retirement. We aren’t necessarily waiting in the wings to be called to babysit.
We would like to take on new experiences and adventure and sitting at home bouncing grandkids on our “strong” knees isn’t at the top of our list.
I am clearly stating my position because I read a post challenging mothers as not having done their duties properly if their sons chose them over their wives.
Why would a man feel the need to choose one woman over another?
Are they playing the same roles?
Are they equal partners in the man’s life and welfare?
Do they love him equally and occupy the same space in his heart?
I’ve no real answers.
But from the heated comments to this post made by Craze clown, aka Emmanuel Ogonna Iwueke on Instagram, I know it’s a sore point for many.
Some said they would put their mums before their wives and cited different reasons. Many of which I agree are noble and well, reasonable. Others said the position of a wife is different from that of a mother and so there would be no need to prioritise one over the other.
I agree.
This is an age-old conversation. It is often asked when there is rancor between the mother-in-law and her daughter–in–law. Now, speaking of these two, there truly will never be an age in the life of man when both women would forever live in bliss.
I’m not saying there aren’t cases where both women get along fine, there are but they are few.
Now, the man in the middle of these two women is often forced to make a choice. Who will he choose? Whose position would he support?
I don’t envy any man who finds himself in this position.
Mama can’t warm his bed, neither can his wife make up for the years of sacrifice mama made to see him succeed. Many men have been plunged into depression over this. I honestly don’t know why there has to be a picking of sides.
But why let the man have to make a choice?
Why would mama become such a pain to make her son choose? Why would a wife not put aside her difference with mama and make life easier for her husband?
I recall what my mother told me when I first got married. She said, “Treat your mother-in-law badly but pray never to have a son.”
I asked her why she spoke to me in proverbs, she should simply have said, “Treat your mother-in-law well because one day you’ll have a son.” But maybe if mother had said it like that, I would have reacted without checking myself or even putting myself in MIL’s position to accurately judge or even determine the reasons for her actions. Everything I thought my mother-in-law did, was wrong.
She didn’t carry the baby well…
Mama ate all the meat in the pot…
She came with her own cooking utensils to my house…
Mama has taken over my kitchen and gives my husband her food.,,
She badged in on the conversation I was having with my husband…
Everything mama did would have been wrong.
But I didn’t react.
I knew she loved her son. I knew she loved her grandchild, well, I determined she had to find a way to love me at best, have to handle me in the mix.
Can’t love conquer all?
Let’s just say, I wore her out until the only reason she calls our home was solely to speak to me. Now, my relationship with her has nothing to do with her son or her grandchildren. We are good friends.
Now, will my son’s wife give me as much leeway in their lives? It is my hope so but even if she doesn’t, I’m unlike my mother-in-law. I have not factored omugo in my schedule especially if I am not needed.
I want to travel. So if I have to do omugo, I have to find a place in my tight schedule to accommodate it.
If I am not needed to watch the grandkids; I want to be on some assignment shooting a documentary about how some natives brew kaikai or rum or grow some exotic plants.
If I am not wanted in their home, I plan to be in some far-flung exotic place sampling food and tasting new wine and documenting it!
In case I don’t get called to come be with the grandkids, I’ll probably be pounding at my laptop to write another story.
See, I plan on being very busy.
Women, we shouldn’t make this a battle. MIL was once a daughter-in-law herself, even if she was treated badly, it’s no excuse to treat her own DIL badly. If you truly care about your son’s happiness, you will make peace with his wife…except in rare cases. There will always be exceptions.
A word…
To DIL, men who say they would choose their mothers over you may be saying so because your character leaves much to be desired. If you have proven you aren’t worthy of the love, trust and care of your man, mama wins.
If you mistreat a man’s mother, he is unlikely to be at peace with you no matter how big your bum is.
But maybe I don’t know much, I do know one thing, though. We can have many husbands and wives…even children in our lifetime; we can only have one mama. You have a mother, so treat your MIL the way you want your mother treated.
And to you men, mama can’t replace madam. No matter how much mama loves you bro, you aren’t sleeping in her bed!
Treat your mothers well
Treat your wives well, too,
It shouldn’t be one or another, priority should be for both!