The death of Osinachi Nwachukwu this past week has again brought to the fore, the issue of domestic violence. Her death seems to be more painful because a lot of people connected with the emotions wrought by her sonorous and soulful voice which reverberated in every fiber of one’s flesh as she belted out her worship to the most high, but her story is not unusual. It follows the pattern we have come to identify with domestic violence- Emotional and physical abuse, denigration and damage to the self-esteem, isolation from family and friends, financial control and social monitoring of the abused, denial and pleas from the abused in order to save their marriage and finally maiming or death.
As to be expected, we have all condemned domestic violence and made pleas to those who are presently suffering from it to find the courage to leave their abusers. We have rightly blamed the family of both the abused and the abuser, the society and church that tend to ostracize separated people and already our cries are yielding fruit as at least one Lady has come out to cancel her wedding due to the domestic violence suffered at the hand of her fiancé and several others are exposing their lover’s violent nature on social media.
We all, apart from some few unfortunate souls, are agreed that where there is physical abuse, couples should be separated but the jury is still out on whether the same solution is prescribed for people undergoing emotional, financial and/or psychological abuse. For the most part we are quiet about the abuse that can’t be seen physically.
I am a family law practitioner and divorce petitions form a sizable portion of my practice. I have been involved in cases where there has been
extreme abuse with video recordings to prove same; to cases where there was no physical violence of any kind but the Petitioner had had enough of the emotional abuse which included emotional detachment, withholding of sex and verbal abuse. I am privy to a case where the Petitioner choose divorce due to the financially recklessness of her Husband who burrows money to pay for his extravagant lifestyle leaving her to face his creditors when they came calling. She was tired of paying his debts and the shame of knowing her husband was owning friends, neighbors and acquaintances was becoming too much for her to bear. I know of cases where the Petitioner filed for divorce because the other party withheld vital medical information from them before and during the marriage.
At first instance, the tendency, especially when there is no physical abuse is to tell parties to stomach it and be grateful that there are not being beaten but many a time, words, behaviors, deprivation, disrespect, dishonor and shame can be as damaging if not more damaging than physical abuse and they form a justifiable reason for the dissolution of marriage as intolerable behavior is a fact upon which a petition for dissolution of Marriage can be granted.
Whether that separation should progress to divorce is where most Christians balk at and are sharply divided. The Christian faith states categorically in the Old Testament that God hates divorce. In the New Testament, we are told divorce was allowed under the Old Testament because of the hardness of man’s heart and that adultery alone justifies a petition for divorce. In 1st Corinthians 7, Paul is said to advice that a wife is not to leave her husband but that if she does she should remain unmarried and vice versa. He also advices that where an unbelieving husband or wife is desirous of leaving the marriage they can go and their partner is not under any bondage in that case. Though the Bible is silent on domestic abuse, I am positive that in an age where women were regarded as chattels there was physical abuse going on in some homes and I believe that the Bible is silent on it maybe because it ought not to have been heard of in the church or maybe it was accepted as the norm just as slavery was in those times. Nevertheless, 1st Corinthians sets the stage for what is now known as separation which is also a justifiable right under the matrimonial causes Act.
The principle of separation simply means the cessation of conjugal living between the spouses without severing the ties of marriage. This is what most Christians advocate when they say leave the marriage alive rather than dead because as far as they are concerned an outright support of divorce is unbiblical, encourages the breakdown of homes (as it is said to be contagious) which in turn leads to the breakdown of society.
My problem with the adoption of the principle of separation and not outright divorce in some cases, is the hypocrisy behind the reasoning that people should be tied down together even if there is nothing between them except maybe the children they have given birth to. I think it is totally unfair to bind people together just because we want to make divorce the devil it is not. It seems that we would rather prefer that people who are separated find secret lovers to satisfy their sexual needs rather than remarry when to all intents and purposes they are divorced already. We are gleefully oblivious of the fact that by advocating separation rather than divorce in some cases, we sentence people to a lifetime of loneliness because they made the mistake of marrying the wrong person. We do not want to avert our mind to a situation where the abusive partner is unwilling to change because as far as we are concerned, God hates divorce, we turn a blind eye to the fact that most times the party who has been abandoned lives out their lives alone whilst the other party re marries and enjoys a fulfilling relationship. We fail to consider instances where people can’t stand to be married to their spouses because of the heinous crimes they may have committed such as rape, child pornography, terrorism, murder etc because God hates Divorce.
Does God hate divorce, the Bible says a big YES does He hate divorcees? The Bible is not categorical in its answer but we know He doesn’t hate us, just sin so my answer is a big NO does He intend that people who do not want to remain married to one another stay with one another miserably because He hates divorce? My answer is also a big No. Marriage is not a visa to heaven, it will never stop God from loving us and for many people who have walked out of their bad marriages they will never exchange the freedom and peace they experience for societal approval no matter how much they may crave it.
Divorce is an exception to the rule and most marriages that end up in the divorce courts need not end up there. I do not advocate that people get divorced if there is the possibility that the differences between them can be settled and I know of marriages that have recovered after a visit to the courts or even after the divorce was made absolute. The truth is that marriage is hard work, it is not a thorn free bed of roses and never will be, there will be instances where we will consider walking away from our marriages but good counsel, the determination of both parties to work at it will bring it to a fulfilling place. It is a fallacy that one party can make a marriage work sometimes no matter what the party does the marriage will still fail.
As a society we need to acknowledge that not all marriages will thrive, some will end in the divorce courts and that a failed marriage is not a reason to castigate anyone. Some people thrive in their second marriages and a number of “Men of God have been divorced and remarried without a wane in the anointing over their ministries. It will do us well to know that divorcees have a right to participate and partake in all religious and societal rites because they may have been cast away by their spouses but not by God who Himself created the institution of marriage and zealously guards it.
Finally, to those that are divorced or those on the journey to being divorced, set your shoulders straight, walk your truth and let no one put you down because of what has happened to you. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone, you alone know what you have endured, don’t be ashamed, feel free to love, live and remarry again and remember, it’s a fallacy that children from broken homes do not turn out well some of us turned out well and kept a home well too.