I was speaking with someone the other day. He has two daughters, a 10-year-old and an eight-year-old and has been separated from their mother for three years. He is a professional and has a job which pays him enough to cater for his needs and some few extras. He pays for his daughters’ education -school fees, books, lessons, etc and contributes to their rent whilst their mother takes care of feeding, clothing and housing them. They cover the expenses of entertainment when the children are in their custody with the mother spending much more than he does, since the children spend more time with her.
I asked him how his relationship with his girls was and his face lit up as he spoke glowingly about them and how they were the centre of his life. There and then he showed me their pictures on his phone and told me he speaks to them every other day, visits their schools for open day and PTA meetings, and has them over for weekends once a month. Luckily for him, he said he and his ex wife get along well, much better than when they were living together but there was just one thing bothering him.
He wished that he had the financial capacity to carry all the financial burdens for the children and didn’t have to depend on his ex’s contribution. It made him feel less of a man that he couldn’t be totally responsible for his children even though he and their mother had separated.
I let him finish speaking and then asked him what value he ascribed to himself as a father and if he thought that fatherhood was just about paying the bills and nothing else? I told him that being financially responsible was not the only thing that made a man a good father, otherwise many people would have great relationships with their fathers. I told him that in my opinion anyone who thought they had nothing to offer except for money was poor because they had reduced their worth and value to the level of mere money. I told him that there was a space in his children’s lives that only he could fill and that children need their fathers and father figures in their lives.
I gave him kudos for being present and involved in his children’s lives and told him speaking from experience that his children would cherish the efforts he is making in the years to come as I have of my father who in spite of the acrimony between him and my mother was present in our lives (thanks to my mothers’ magnanimity)
Fatherhood transcends the boundaries of marital status. In today’s society, increasingly we are seeing fathers both those who are married to their wives and mothers of their children and those that have children birthed by their so-called baby mamas or are divorced, being actively involved in their children’s lives. We are seeing men fight for the opportunity to be part of their children’s lives, especially where the children’s mother wants to deprive them of their rights due to the breakdown in their relationship. Contemporary fatherhood emphasises emotional support, nurturing and active participation in children’s lives and I must say that this shift reflects broader changes in societal expectations and the recognition of the critical role fathers play in the development and well-being of their children.
When fathers are no longer with the mother of their children, maintaining a strong bond requires intentional effort and commitment. This involves:.
- Consistent Communication: Regular phone calls, video chats, and messages which help maintain a connection, especially if physical distance is a factor. Thankfully, technology is bridging the gap, allowing fathers to be part of their children’s daily lives and sharing in their joys and challenges.
- Quality Time: Prioritizing time together is essential. Whether it’s weekend visits, holidays, or special occasions, making the most of these moments strengthens the father-child relationship. Engaging in activities that the children enjoy creates lasting memories and reinforces their sense of being valued and loved. I recollect vivid memories of trips with my father and siblings both within and outside the country
- Co-Parenting Cooperation: A collaborative co-parenting relationship with the mother is crucial. Effective communication and mutual respect between parents provide a stable environment for the children and fathers especially must understand that the dynamics of the relationship he has with the mother of his child/ children has changed and he must respect that change and reasonable boundaries she has put in place to safeguard herself and as the main custodian of the children. Things like coming to drop or pick them at the agreed time and place, visiting her residence nilly willy, without permission on the pretext of seeing his children. This cooperation ensures that the children receive consistent messages and support from both parents and that the parents are not subjects of manipulative tactics by their children especially those in the teenage years, who will play their parents against themselves to achieve their desires.
- Emotional Support: Fathers should be attentive to their children’s emotional needs. Being a reliable source of comfort and advice helps children navigate the complexities of life and reinforces the father’s role as a supportive figure.
I am mindful of the fact that many fathers who are not with their children’s mother face several challenges, including:
- Legal and Custody Issues. Many women use their children to fight their husbands by ensuring that the fathers have no access to them. It is very common for most men to think that their children will come looking for them when they grow up and are no longer in the clutches of their mothers control and whilst that is true, as most children will search out their fathers later in life, they will do so with a mindset of him being a no good father and no explanations will justify the lack of attempt to be in their lives. My advice to men in this situation is that navigating the legal aspects of custody and visitation rights is complex and tilted in favor of mothers however, seeking legal advice and mediation can help establish clear and fair arrangements and no matter the final decision of the court, please put up a fight to be in your children’s life.
- Distance and Logistics: Physical distance can make regular interaction challenging. Planning and logistical arrangements, such as travel schedules and accommodations, require careful consideration and flexibility.
- Balancing Responsibilities: Balancing work, personal life, and fatherhood can be demanding especially as one is more or less running two homes and there is the need to manage time effectively and prioritize commitments to ensure one is present in their children’s lives.
- Emotional Strain: let no one tell you a lie, Separation or divorce is emotionally taxing for all parties including the Petitioner who files for divorce, the children and even the lawyers. Seeking support from friends, family, or professional counselors can help manage the emotional impact and provide coping strategies.
Research consistently shows that both children and their fathers benefit significantly from having involved fathers. These benefits include a higher self-esteem and better emotional regulation. The children feel more secure and supported, which contributes to their overall well-being and the fathers have a sense of pride knowing they are doing right by their children. Also, involved fathers positively influence their children’s academic performance. They provide motivation, help with homework, and encourage a positive attitude towards education and in turn have a sense of pride in seeing their children succeed through their efforts. Fathers play a crucial role in teaching social skills, such as communication, empathy, and conflict resolution. These skills are essential for building healthy relationships and navigating social environments and help them relate well with the other genders, for the father, parenting provides an avenue for character growth and personal development.
Finally, Children with engaged fathers are less likely to engage in risky behaviors and are more likely to exhibit positive behaviors. The presence of a supportive father figure provides a sense of stability and guidance.
In a world where values are changing by the minute, the essence of fatherhood lies in the unwavering love and dedication a father shows, regardless of marital status,in ensuring that the father-child relationship thrives and flourishes.
A happy father day to all fathers especially the fathers who have fought to have a place in their children’s lives notwithstanding the relationship or lack of relationship with their mothers and those who have been left to care for their children due to the death of their wife or the abandonment of the children by their mother. May you long enjoy the fruit of your labors over your children.