Reflections on how we can deal with bullies and bullying
“Fight for your right.” I grew up hearing those words, again and again, usually echoed after someone had tried to bully me and I had gone to report to my mother. She knew full well that she couldn’t be with her children all the time, so she drilled into us the need to take responsibility in whatever situation we found ourselves in. Her unspoken words were always “never be a pushover”, and “don’t let anyone take advantage of you”.
I grew up as a fat kid and got teased a lot; in school by classmates, on the road by strangers, and sometimes even by people who were close to home. I never really took it to heart, and now that I think about it, I wonder why. I remember once when I told my mum that a classmate had tried to bully me in school, she looked at me and repeated her usual mantra: “Fight for your right”.
I’m almost certain I must have thought she was a wicked mother who couldn’t even come to her son’s defence but now when I reflect on those situations, I know she meant the best. I had no choice but to go to school the next day and deal with the problem. I sat on the boy who had been teasing me and he never teased me again.
The funny thing was that some weeks later, my brother and I were walking along the road from school with my mum. We passed by a woman my mother knew, who sold sweets or something by the road. This woman had a son who was a pest. He always made faces at me as we passed by the bus stop but on this particular day, he dared to call me names. I am sure I must have been a bit confused, not knowing whether to insult the boy or pretend as though I didn’t hear him and keep walking. My mother, however, would have none of that. She turned around and probably pulled the kid’s ears or something while giving him a good talking to, all in front of his very embarrassed mother. I felt so proud; my super mama stood up for me but that’s exactly what mothers do. She didn’t let me fight the battle this time but I still understood how important it was to stand up for myself when no one was there to defend me.
As I grew older and found myself in situations where I had to hold my own, the words “fight for your right” constantly echoed at the back of my mind. Even now, when I find myself in a twist, wondering how to get out of a jam, those words give me the courage to get my voice heard. Learning to “fight for my right” has helped me develop a good sense of self-respect for myself and others while also understanding how important it is to ensure that I am fully grounded in my beliefs.
The above essay is a slightly edited version of my contribution to Tosin Olukuade’s “Son of My Mother” book, published in 2019.
A few days ago, a video of a secondary school girl dishing hot slaps on another girl’s face made the rounds on social media. As expected, the hues and cries were loud, probably because the incident happened in a private school (bullies exist there?) and because the girl did not retaliate (most likely this). A follow-up video was released showing parents at the school and the bully in toe, looking penitent. And then a video showing the bullied girl recounting her ordeal.
Many people had opinions about the girl being bullied, especially regarding how composed she appeared to be. She received slap after slap and didn’t appear to flinch or even consider running away or at worst, retaliating. Some said she was well brought up, others said she was very patient, and some even considered that she was hatching an airtight revenge that would have ensured her bullies lived to regret embarrassing her. We may never know the true reason for her lack of reaction but the incident has brought bullying in society into our consciousness once again.
Bullying is a big issue, has always been a big issue, and will most likely always be a big issue. It happens in schools, in families, in the workplace, and even on social media. Whether through face-to-face interactions or hiding behind keypads online, bullies unleash their terror, emboldened by their belief in their assumed power. They continue to harass others until they are caught and decisively dealt with, which should hopefully be a deterrent. Unfortunately, many bullies get away with their bad behaviour because they aren’t reported or their bad behaviour isn’t checked when discovered.
How does one deal with bullies? I believe the circumstances would determine one’s response. The bully may not be acting alone so any thoughts on self-defence or retaliation must be well thought through. Reporting to an authority figure is also very critical in the hopes that the bully can be properly sanctioned. What if one reports and no action is taken thus encouraging the bully? This is when I believe standing up for yourself/ self-defence comes in. What would be the best way to resist a bully’s attacks? You may want to get physical but the result could be a fatality which you would be held responsible for. Considering this, I would say act in wisdom, ensuring that you protect yourself first. Over and above these points, I believe it is very important to let a bully know that their actions are unwelcome as keeping quiet in the moment can be mistaken for acquiescence which could guarantee continuous bullying.
What do you do if you know someone is a bully even though the person may not have bullied you? Two things: challenge their bad behaviour and help them realise how unacceptable it is. So many people have continued along this path simply because the people around them never called them out. If you condone a bully’s actions, you are also supporting the act and I daresay you are also a bully. Bullies need help and if they don’t get it early enough, the consequences of their bad behaviour should serve as a deterrent from bullying.
Children and adults must learn to stand up for themselves. We must also learn to stand up for others when they cannot do so. If we allow bad behaviour to continue, we will one day also suffer the consequences. This is the way I see things today.
