An attempt to settle the rift between the Dollar and the Naira
Once upon a time, there were two best friends: Miss Naira and Miss Dollar. Ok, they weren’t quite best friends but they were good friends. Even though their love for one another wasn’t comparable, they always made the best of it. Naira recognised over the years that Dollar was getting wealthier and wealthier but Dollar didn’t discriminate. As the good friend that she was, she would still help Naira in times of trouble and invite her to the hottest parties: Naira always gladly tagged along.
Dollar was highly revered by numerous people at many of the events they went to, but she made sure not to outshine Naira at any events held in Naira’s land. Of course, she got carried away once in a while but in most cases, she kept a respectful distance, preferring to let Naira shine in her land. Naira always tried not to get jealous when she saw everyone fawning over Dollar at the parties they attended but she couldn’t always help wondering “God, when?”
Their friendship was the envy of a few but things changed in recent times. In case you’ve been sitting under a rock, Naira and Dollar’s relationship has become tempestuous to the extent that they’re no longer on speaking terms. Yes!!! Who would have thought? Haven’t they always been besties? Hmmm, Dollar and Naira now see less of themselves. Rumours are rife as to what caused their fight. Some say that Dollar decided to stop hanging out with Naira because Naira wasn’t pulling her weight in the relationship. Well, Dollar has always been the richer friend who’s sustained their relationship so that may be it. Some others say Dollar started behaving high handed and Naira was tired of kowtowing so she was no longer interested in having Dollar as a friend.
As the internationally famed harmony seeker that I am, I decided to step in and offer my support to these erstwhile besties. When one sees two people who have had a longstanding friendship, salvaging such relationships can be harmonious for society. I sent out invitations to both Dollar and Naira so we could discuss how to get them back on talking terms.
Arranging this meeting wasn’t easy. I had to call all my contacts at the Central Bank of Nigeria and the Federal Reserve Bank. I pulled all the stops and thankfully, I managed to get both Naira and Dollar sitting down in one room. I had almost lost all hope, no one thought I could achieve the herculean task of getting them to talk to one another.
Scoring this chat with both of them was an enviable goal and I am glad they decided to speak with me first. They insisted that the meeting must be recorded for viewing, that was Naira’s suggestion. She said it would be a great idea to sell the TV rights, maybe she plans to use the income she’ll earn to address her financial problems.
Naira was the first to arrive and she seemed stressed. She was dressed elaborately as always, bejewelled and in the latest designer outfits, you wouldn’t know she was having emotional and financial problems. She insisted on dancing into the studio to Kizz Daniel’s new single “My G”… “My G sho lowo, sho lowo t’ole spend on your own, my G omo dey your own” I began to wonder if the reports of her recent meltdown were true. Dollar waltzed in soon after to The Ojays “For the Love of Money”…. “Some people gotta have it, some people really need it. Listen to me why’all, do things, do things, do bad things with it… Talk about cash money- dollar bills, why’all” She was dressed simply and only a trained eye would notice she was wearing quiet luxury pieces. She asked to sit as far away from Naira as possible so I had placed them at opposite ends of the studio.
Me: “Miss Dollar, Miss Naira… Welcome to the interview ladies…”
Dollar and Naira respond in unison: “Thank you for having us” (and they simultaneously stare at each other before hurriedly looking away. You’d have thought they planned it.
Me: “Miss Dollar, thank you for agreeing to have this interview in Lagos”
Dollar: “Please, it was the least I could do considering that you know whose US visa application got denied. I am not even sure she would have been able to afford a return ticket or pay her hotel bills! Oh, by the way, call me Dollar” Her Southern drawl was unmissable as she smiled enchantingly while Naira cast furtive glances at her.
The evolution of Dollar and Naira’s relationship has been public knowledge so there was no need to rehash what is already known. People observed their lifestyles well before reality TV became a thing, that’s how popular these former besties are. Jumping straight into the discussions was the only way to go.
Me: “So ladies, let’s go straight to the point. It is clear to everyone that you are no longer on speaking terms. The media is awash with news about your failing friendship. Every day Dollar, you increase the distance between you and Naira. We know you’ve both had your ups and downs over the years but it’s taken an alarming turn. What’s the issue?”
Dollar: “I think you should ask Naira, she knows what she did”
Naira: “What did I do? What have I done that anyone else hasn’t done before? Why are you so wicked? You have even ensured that our other friends, Pounds Sterling and Euro, keep their distance from me. Don’t deny it, I know you’re the one behind it”
Dollar: “Just like you to throw baseless accusations around. Look within you sis or better, look in a mirror, you’ll see yourself for who you truly are. It takes two to make a friendship work and I am tired of pulling both our weights”.
Naira: “Mr Interviewer, you should have just said you brought me here to embarrass me so I would have been better prepared” She began tapping one foot on the ground.
Me: “Well ladies, I see things have heated up a bit. Our reason for bringing you together was to find out how we could repair your friendship. I know it wouldn’t immediately be like it was before but at least we hope that we can begin reducing the distance between you guys”
Dollar: “I said it already. Naira knows what she needs to do so she should stop hosting pity parties and just get to work!”
Naira: “Me? Hosting pity parties? You have absolutely no respect, the rude thing that you are. It’s not your fault o, it’s because everyone is still courting you so you think you have friends. Do you think all the other currencies like you? They just tolerate you. You don’t know anything!” Naira subsequently got up, removed her wired microphone, and stormed off the stage, crying out with tears running down her well-made-up face “I’m not doing this anymore, I don’t have time for rubbish”
Me: looked around confused “Wow! I was expecting that”
Dollar: “One day, she will take responsibility for her ways but today is not that day. I’m off, I have a plane to catch! Goodbye, dear” Dollar sashayed off the studio set.
Me to the audience: “I guess we will have to give Naira some time to gather herself together, she does seem upset about something. Could there be more to this? Thanks for watching this short albeit interesting interview. Until the next time I come your way again, it’s been a real twist”
I just pray that we can find a quick win somewhere to reduce the speed at which the dollar has been galloping. Achieving a measure of exchange rate stability will require a lot of things to happen, both from the government and Central Bank, and we the people. We do have a lot of bracing up to do. As always, this is the way I see things today.