“Let me know what you need”, “if you need anything don’t hesitate to ask”, “I am here for you”, “I am a phone call away.” I am sure, at one time or the other either we or someone else has uttered one of, or a variant of the above phrases to someone whom we reckon will probably need our help.
When we make these statements we really mean them and they come with the purest of motives or intentions however, we find that we are hardly taken up on them and that until we ask again and again or go ahead to do what we think the person needs, when the person it is addressed to doesn’t ask for help.
The Merriam Webster dictionary defines showing up in many ways. It could mean A. To arrive, appear. B.To become involved with others and make an active contribution. C. To provide help and support for someone. D. To be plainly evident.
To me, showing up means being there in whatever way you are needed and it requires being unselfish, thoughtful, empathetic, sensitive, discerning and generous. It involves time, effort, intentionality, patience and the giving of one’s self. It’s more in the little mundane everyday things we do than in the extravagant ways we appreciate people.
It continues to surprise me that the more advanced we have become, the more alone we are. A common malaise of the modern world is its superficiality and superfluidity. Although we are surrounded by gadgets and have immediate access to people in distant places, we are lonesome for close contact with people.
One of my besties sent me a write up recently, a thread on Twitter by Shelia O’ Malley who spoke about how her friends, who, knowing she had recently been bereaved and moved apartments showed up on the doorstep of her new apartment and helped her unpack her belongings and set up her new place. She ended the thread by saying “The ask for help advice is well meaning but not really thought through. There’s shame , there’s enforced helplessness, there’s the feeling you are not worth it, etc. My friends didn’t wait for me to ask. They showed up. They took over, they didn’t ask”
People don’t ask for help especially from friends and family not because they don’t need the help but because as Sheila rightly surmised,
- They are too shy and embarrassed to ask for help especially for simple or mundane things.
- They don’t want to be a nuisance or be shunned by people.
- They are private and maybe somewhat proud and soliciting for help is against their nature.
- They are so overwhelmed that they can’t generate a list of their needs and who could help meet them.
- They are afraid of rejection.
I must say that I have been fortunate in that people have always shown up for me and when Mr Aisi passed on and even up till today the people that have shown up for me have doubled. I have friends who send me notes to ask how I am doing, who ask after my children and call them, who send their workmen or employees to run errands for me or do the household jobs that men do so well and I can’t handle, who send me money from time to time or just call to hear my voice even though they see me regularly on social media.
I belong to a WhatsApp group , we are 53 in number, all classmates in university except for one or two persons. We live in different countries and are of different ages. I can say that most of us never as much as spoke to one another when we were in school but sometime in 2015 one of us got the brilliant idea to create the group. Somehow my name was mentioned, I was contacted and brought on board. It’s been seven years of fun, laughter, parties, tears and fights. We have fought, made up, exited the platform and rejoined, we’ve had some people leave us, some become more quiet as they go through life but we have always shown up for one another in many ways that belie understanding given the fact that we all have issues we are dealing with and live in different climes. We’ve celebrated birthdays, weddings of our children, buried our parents, celebrated milestones and achievements always showing up both physically and financially.
I was ill recently and some of my friends from this group decided amongst themselves to come and spend the day with me, “just to sit with me” they said. They brought their food and drinks and all I had to do was be present. It reminded me of Job’s friends and how they sat with him for seven days when his world fell apart. They didn’t have to say much but their presence spoke volumes.
When people show up for us it sends the undeniable message that we are important to them, cherished by them and dearly and deeply thought of. It makes us know that we are not alone and that our troubles/challenges are not ours to carry alone.
So how do we show up for people? Here are some practical tips
- Ask after them and the people that matter to them.
- Be genuinely interested in them and what concerns them.
- Listen to what they say and/or do not say and remember details about what they told you.
- Remember special dates and events- anniversaries of births, deaths, etc and reach out to let them know you are thinking of them on those dates.
- Get in touch with them often by visiting, calling, texting, video conferencing, etc. Simple things like I thought of you today, hope you are okay, you are in my thoughts and prayers -can be so comforting.
- Pay attention to the things they are not saying, things like them being tired, not sleeping, being grouchy, being quiet for a long period. Little things that may point to their mental, emotional or financial state.
- Ask questions without being intrusive.
- Offer to go with them to places that may evoke some feelings of sadness and loneliness such as hospital appointments , burials of loved ones, family events especially if their spouse has passed on and they may not have a good relationship with their in-laws.
Showing up may make us vulnerable and people may misunderstand and read other meanings into our motives but as Sheila O ‘ Malley again stated “To reiterate: this plan could have backfired. I very well could have been offended, insulted, hurt. David took that risk. Being a friend takes commitment. A willingness to take that risk”.
Things are increasingly tough in our world and we need to show up for each other and not only for those whom we adjudge as weak but also the strong ones too. Let’s be sensitive and discerning to look out for our loved ones who need our help today.