I smoke but only when with friends, actually. I don’t do igbo or drugs even though most of my friends that I hang around with, do. To them, it’s recreational. It helps them boost their thoughts and when they get bogged down by work and life, they just smoke a joint or two and they are fine, again.
Weed is just not my thing. I am not claiming to be a saint because I have also tried a few others. I just chose not to make a habit of them. It took what it did to a friend’s friend for me to back out. I didn’t like what it did to people. Plus, I was afraid I could end up with a messed up mind and head and with my mother praying for me. So no, I don’t do drugs.
Now, two years ago, I worked at Ikeja at that time. I was already married but we hadn’t got a child. Our marriage was still fresh, we hadn’t even done 6months. There was no pressure from me on my wife and I had told my family to back off pressuring her about children. You know how mothers can be?
Anyway, my wife worked at Palmgroove area and we lived in Yaba. We had one car. I would drop off my wife, head to work, pick her up and we drove home together. That was our routine.
A birthday I won’t forget
One day, it was the birthday of one of my colleagues in the office. Usually, those of us who were mostly Management Trainees, would all stay behind. We would head to a nearby joint to eat and shak. If it falls on a Friday, we stayed even later.
There was a joint not too far from our office that we often went to wind down.
We were mostly young, not all of us were married and those who were, had young families. We would stay back, both female and male colleagues and we would eat and drink. Sometimes it may not even be the celebrant who would buy the drinks. We could just contribute to have a birthday TGIF.
Anyway, this particular Friday was the birthday of one of my good friends and colleague. I had told my wife I would come late to pick her up. It didn’t even help that that day, there was massive traffic. I often listened to Traffic Radio FM to know what time was best to hit the road. I called my wife to say I would be picking her up late. She had a friend near her office, I asked her to go there, I would come later.
Someone brought in the cake. I am not much of a cake person but that day, I had skipped lunch and so was hungry. The boy we sent for Suya wasn’t back and there the cake was. A few of my colleagues had cut it and were already eating it.
Beware of some birthday cakes
I also got up to cut a piece for myself but the celebrant, my good friend, stopped me. He said, “No, you don’t want to have a piece of that, my friend. Wait for the suya.”
“For real? Why?”
He took the knife from me and laughed in my face repeating again, “You don’t want a piece of that, believe me.”
“What the hell… the boy sent for Suya has been gone for more than one hour, I am hungry.”
“Drink coke.” And he went off to dance.
Another silly guy, from another department in our office, we called him Zidon, said, “Oh boy eat the cake joo, are you not a man?”
You see, on a good day I would have ignored Zidon, he is the office brat. But I didn’t want more coke. I was hungry and had drunk a few shots of Hennessy. I wanted food…before the suya came. Two other colleagues who had eaten the cake and were still eating gave me pieces from theirs. I ate it and went to cut off some more for myself.
The cake tasted…normal.
After a few minutes, I took another chunk, ate and sat down. We were soon joined by a few more people. These were also regulars with us. A few had been invited to the joint or worked in the same area we did. They all ate the cake, no questions asked. It was a happy people in that space at that time.
I believe I can fly
Now, a few minutes later…maybe thirty minutes, I wasn’t seeing well. You know, people began to morph into all forms of shapes and sizes and their voices were eerie. The bottles on the table began to grow tall…but I was taller.
I knew the cake was no ordinary cake. It was laced with heavy doses of weed!
Bastards!
They knew, they warned me though and I should have been careful but…well, nobody forced me to eat it, so…I sat there for a long time.
Somehow, after a while, there was silence. My mind. The original mind that was not tainted by the cake, told me to call my wife and tell her to go home, that I would find a way to get home later in the evening.
Then thinking about my wife, another mind said, “You should be with your woman now…it’s Friday, you are a young couple, go make babies…”
But the mind that told me to go make babies did not remember to tell me my wife was miles away, I was still in Ikeja at a joint under a tent with friends and more people showing up and laughing widely and telling silly jokes…
Well, after a few minutes, I felt energized…I felt like King Kong and the King Kong size horny as well. I felt huge. All the other people around me looked like ants and I was amused at how tiny they were. I saw them stare at me but…
I became high and horny at once
The next thing that entered my head was to find my wife and go to bed with her. A distant part of my mind knew my wife was not even in Ikeja, yet, as I looked around, I saw my wife seated somewhere and drinking and laughing with one of my colleagues.
If common sense was present, I should have known this wasn’t my wife but…my mind was gone, instead, I approached them and demanded that my wife follow me into the bedroom, right away!
I had a hard-on that got everyone laughing and the more they laughed with their funny mouths, the more I kept pulling at my wife to follow me into the bedroom and the more the woman resisted.
My colleagues were laughing like hyenas, a few were sweating profusely.
Someone pried me off “my wife.” I was escorted back to the office where I was helped to wash my face and pushed into one of the sofas in our waiting room.
I came to…somehow… don’t ask me how.
But I lost over 14 hours of my life because after that and to date, I have no recollection of how I got home. Thankfully my wife was home. I have been too ashamed to ask my wife and colleagues about how I got home…I absolutely have no freaking idea! even my car was parked where I often parked it.
I lost over 14 hours of my life
At work, the following week, everyone acted normal. Maybe they too have no idea what happened. If I have learned anything, it’s that substance use is not for me…ever! And I am not preaching, I am just saying, as far as I am concerned, o. Unless I haven’t been informed, no weed cakes or cookies, no weed-laced ice cubes at parties…no substance-based gums or sweets…nada!
(Series written and edited by Peju Akande and based on true stories)
