If the dead could speak; guess what they would say- Tara Martins Aisida
Editor1
Some years back I read Stephen Covey’s book the “7 principles of highly effective people.”
Chapter one- “Begin with the end in mind” was for me the whole essence of the book. In that chapter, he asked us to imagine being at our own funeral and listening to what people had to say about us. He said that having that in mind will help us act rightly whilst alive and I totally agree with him.
Today l, however, I want to shift our focus from the living to the dead. I believe that there is a spirit world which is very real and exists in the same way and at the same time as this world exists. It is my personal belief that we have the dead all around us, cheering us on, praying for us, people that are interested in us and our well being but cannot interfere in our lives.
They don’t have access to us and neither we them but I want us to imagine that our loved ones had an opportunity to speak to us after their departure and I think if we could hear them, they would say the following:
My dear, I didn’t intend to die or leave you the way or when I did. Just like no one knows when they will be born, I didn’t know when I would die. Life is lived in the present and understood in the past. All the things I said or did that seem to make sense now or were pointers to my death we’re just urgings I felt. Even if I had a general sense of the period, I didn’t know the actual day or time. If I did anything to put my house in order it was just me being me and nothing else. So, please forgive me for all I did or didn’t do to prepare you for a life without me. For the times we fought, kept malice, for my not understanding you or showing you how I felt about you. For keeping secrets from you and for not saying a proper goodbye. All those ceremonies that you spent so much money on to give me a befitting burial were good but not really necessary. A decent burial is all I needed. The fact that it caused so much division and disagreements within the family made me rather sad . The burial rites are more for your benefit than mine, they are to help you accept the fact that I am indeed dead and gone. Psst :I was actually there. I was a witness to all the drama. Customs and traditions that dehumanize my loved ones do not bring honor and respect for me at all. If you indeed claim to love me like you say, treat my family well. Live your life. I am alright, nothing you or anyone does will affect me anymore. I have run my race. Yours is before you. My desires, hopes and beliefs for you were my own. It’s time to live your life in the way and manner you were meant to. Don’t pursue my dreams in order to assuage your guilt or comfort yourself. If you feel a need to propagate my legacy do so because you find purpose and fulfillment in so doing and not solely because of me.Be happy. I know you miss me and long for me to be with you but the truth is -my active part in your life is over. Live life like you’ve wanted , allow yourself the freedom to love and be loved, to go to the places we planned to go to but couldn’t, to live the dreams we wanted to. They were your dreams too don’t give up on them because I am no longer with you. Be assured that no one can take my place. No one is like me so don’t keep looking for me in all the persons you come in contact with. They are unique in their ways , love them for who they are. If you do meet someone you like , go ahead and marry them. You have my blessings. Don’t be afraid you will forget about me, my face, voice etc. in so many ways I am and will always be a part of you because I live in your memories.Speak my name. I was a person, I had desires, goals, wishes. Don’t be afraid to speak my name, to tell my stories, I am dead but I once lived. Don’t put a stop to my story just because you can’t see me. Don’t close your eyes to my achievements because I am no longer here. I know sometimes it’s hard to speak of me or be around people that remind you of me but speaking my name keeps me alive still. Don’t listen to what people say about the way you remember me nor let them dictate how you should act in my absence. Our relationship was unique and not everyone will understand what we meant to each other. Don’t be so overwhelmed with grief that you forget the parts of me that are still with you. My spouse, children, siblings, parents, friends.They were part of my life like you were. Don’t close your heart to them because of your pain. They also love me like you do. Please take care of them as I would have as much as it lies with you. Why did you not celebrate me when I was alive? All those lovely things you said about me when you heard I was dead, all my good deeds you remembered at the tribute night , why didn’t you tell them to me before I left. Why did you leave me in doubt of your affection, why did you not tell me how much I meant to you, how special I was to you, how you admired me. Why?
I am sorry for all the times I hurt you. I see and understand now the pain and misery you felt by my actions and inactions. I truly did love you but was too afraid to let you know.
I am proud of the way you’ve carried on without me, for the care and attention you gave to me before I passed on but was too weak ( physically and emotionally) to acknowledge. For holding fort for me and ours. Thank you.
N.B I wrote this list based on my imagination and relationships and I understand that the conversations may not go the same way for everyone and that’s okay, too. However, I would like us all to hold these conversations in our minds rationally and as objectively as we possibly can as we try to put some closure to our hurts, questions and grief.
