I was minding my business on X (formerly Twitter) when I noticed that virginity was trending. My curiosity was piqued, so I immediately jumped on the trend to see what this generation thought about virginity, which led me to a clip from an episode of “The Justice Court,” presided over by Funmilayo Ashaolu. In the clip, the claimant accused his obviously pregnant wife of having affairs with 15 men within the four years of their marriage even though he had married her as a virgin. He didn’t say whether he was a virgin at the time of their marriage but the inference was that he thought marrying a virgin would ensure faithfulness to him as she would have no carnal knowledge of any other man except him.
The resulting trend revolved around the age old argument as to whether virgins make better wives or ensure faithfulness in a woman. Not surprisingly, there was no argument as to whether men who did not marry as virgins had a licence to be unfaithful since they had “tasted” other women thus giving way to the unspoken consensus that there was no obligation for a man to be a virgin at the time of his marriage.
As to be expected, many men were of the opinion that a woman who doesn’t value her virginity ( whatever that means) or even value a man’s sexual performance will always be unfaithful. When the question was asked that between character, beauty and virginity which was the major pride of a woman, many men voted for virginity as the woman’s pride whilst the women postulated that respect and character was preferable to virginity.
No matter how advanced we may seem as a people, the perception of virginity as a virtue still resonates with many people, especially men. Infact, wearing white wedding gowns reinforce the belief that a woman is to be chaste, untouched and unspoiled on her wedding day. In many cultures and communities, virginity, especially for women, is still highly valued and considered a symbol of purity, self-control,and moral integrity and is closely tied to religious teachings or traditional values that emphasize sexual abstinence until marriage.
However, in many other parts of the world especially secular or progressive sovities, attitudes towards virginity have evolved, and it is no longer universally regarded as a virtue. Women are beginning to ask why there are different standards for them and men when it comes to sexual morality. Why is it okay for men to play the field, sowing their wild oats with other women and then want to marry a virgin. What happens to the women they had sex with before settling down? Who will marry them and why can’t women also demand that their husbands be virgins? Why do men take pride in a long list of body counts but demand sexual purity from their wives and daughters?
In contemporary discussions, the focus is often on consent, mutual respect, and healthy relationships rather than on the status of one’s virginity. The concept of virginity itself is also being questioned and deconstructed, with some people viewing it as a social construct rather than an inherent measure of virtue.
Virginity is surrounded by many myths and misconceptions, often shaped by cultural, religious, and societal beliefs. These myths have significant implications for how people understand sexuality, gender roles, and relationships and here are some of the most common myths about virginity:
- The Hymen “Breaks” During First Intercourse and an intact hymen indicates virginity. The hymen is often misunderstood. It’s a thin membrane that partially covers the vaginal opening, but it can vary greatly in size, shape, and thickness. The hymen can be stretched or torn from activities like sports, tampon use, or medical exams. It doesn’t necessarily “break” during first intercourse, and many women may not experience any noticeable change. Some women are born with minimal hymenal tissue, while others might still have an intact hymen even after sexual intercourse. Conversely, a torn or stretched hymen does not necessarily mean that someone has had sex.
- Myth: Virginity is Lost Through Penetrative Sex only or by the insertion of objects like tampons. The concept of virginity is often defined by penile-vaginal intercourse, but this definition is not universally applicable. Many young people classify themselves as being virgins because they have never had penetrative sex via their vaginas even though they practice anal sex so that they can truthfully answer in the affirmative when their parents ask if they are virgins.
- Myth: Virginity Equates to Purity. Associating virginity with purity is a cultural belief that can impose moral judgments on people’s sexual choices. This notion often places undue pressure, especially on women and frees men from being disciplined when it comes to their sexuality.
- Myth: Virginity is Something that Can Be Physically Verified. There is no medical or scientific test to verify virginity. So-called “virginity tests,” which some cultures or individuals may advocate, are invasive, unreliable, and unethical. They are based on misconceptions and have no place in modern medical practice.
- Myth: Men’s Virginity Isn’t Important. While societal norms have traditionally placed more emphasis on female virginity, the notion of male virginity is also laden with myths. For instance, there’s a cultural stereotype that men should lose their virginity at a certain age to prove their masculinity, which can create pressure and unrealistic expectations.There is also the notion that a man must be more sexually experienced than his wife which leads to them experimenting with other women whilst they look for virgins to marry.
- Myth: The woman will have psychological ties to the first man she sleeps with for the rest of her life. A number of people believe in soul ties and that once a man has slept with a woman he can always sleep with her. A phenomenon known as Okafor’s law which makes women wary of their body counts and men boastful of theirs.
- Myth: Losing Virginity is Always Painful for Women: While some women may experience discomfort or pain during their first sexual experience, this is not universally true. Pain during first intercourse is more often related to factors like lack of lubrication, nervousness, or inadequate foreplay rather than the act of penetration itself.
The impact of these myths contribute to harmful gender stereotypes, perpetuate stigma, and create unnecessary stress or anxiety about sexual experiences. They also enforce unequal power dynamics, particularly between men and women, and contribute to the objectification of individuals based on their sexual history like the ongoing controversy as to whether a woman who is not a virgin at marriage will be unfaithful whilst neglecting the men who sleep with her or ignoring the fact that a man who has multiple sexual partners is unlikely to be faithful to one partner when he gets married.
The expectation for women, rather than men, to remain virgins before marriage is deeply rooted in historical, cultural, and religious norms that have persisted over centuries and these double standard has been shaped by Patriarchy and the control of women’s sexual behavior by men ( a discussion which is still ongoing till date) to ensure they remain “pure” for their “impure” husbands. Inheritance and Paternity issues which value female virginity to guarantee that a husband’s offspring were biologically his, thereby protecting the family’s wealth and status , religious teachings which place a high value on female chastity and virginity, often associating it with moral purity and virtue while men have historically been subject to less scrutiny regarding their sexual behavior. Cultural narratives, including literature, media and folklore, which have romanticised the idea of the “pure” woman who saves herself for her husband, further entrenching the expectation that women, but not men, should be virgins before marriage.
These historical and cultural influences have led to the double standards that have raised the question as to what the pride of a man is, if that of the woman is her virginity. The truth we are seeing daily is that virginity is not necessarily a symbol of self control or moral integrity. A virgin can be a virgin because of lack of opportunity not because they have moral standards. Also being a virgin at marriage does not inherently ensure faithfulness in a marriage because faithfulness is influenced by various factors, including personal values, emotional maturity, relationship dynamics, communication, and commitment between partners.
I believe that if a man values virginity in a woman then he should also be able to maintain that standard in his sexuality and ensure that he keeps himself for his wife. If he can’t hold himself to such standards then he shouldn’t expect the same from his wife. Sexual purity is not for the women alone and it is one of the main reasons why homes are breaking nowadays because men don’t want to accept that they have an obligation to keep their pants zipper up when they are with women that are not their wives.
The question does beg for an answer. What is the young man’s pride in terms of purity in marriage and why must his pride be in the long list of women he has bedded over the years, an achievement that does not necessarily lead to an expertise in love making if the truth be told as corroborated by many women who do not achieve sexual satisfaction in their matrimonial bed.