True story 1: She called me to talk about her mother and the relationship she had with her. She was the only child her mother had for her father. Apparently, her parents had met during one of her father’s travels in the course of his work and he had sought her hand in marriage. It was when her father took her to his base that her mother realized that he was already married and by that time she was pregnant with her. She was three when her mother left her father taking her along with her but dropping her off at her maternal grandmother whilst she sought to make a new life for herself. She was five when her mother remarried and seven when she started visiting her mother’s new home mainly to help care for her younger siblings.
Holidays at her mother’s home was a nightmare, it was full of cursing, neglect, anger and torture. She was told time and time again how her father had deceived her mother into marrying him, how her conception, birth and existence were a mistake, and how her mere sight made her mother’s life miserable. Not surprisingly, her other siblings from her mother’s marriage were not subjected to such outbursts. She grew up with the knowledge that her mother hated her and wished she would disappear from the face of the earth and when she ran away from home for five months, living with friends in on campus, her mother’s nonchalance and refusal to look for her finally made relatives and friends intervene in the matter and reconcile both of them. Today, her relationship with her mother is much better as her mother has sought her forgiveness severally with tears but she finds it difficult to get close to her. Their relationship exists mainly because of the fact that they are related by blood and each party fulfills the duties and responsibilities expected of them.
True story 2: Her mother looked me in the eye and told me point blank, “when he came to marry my daughter he didn’t say he was going to move away from this state and so I will not allow my daughter to go with him because I cannot be alone.” To say I was shocked was an understatement. This was a woman who followed her husband everywhere he had been posted during his employment as a federal civil servant but who didn’t want her daughter who had married in her 50’s and who lived two streets away from her.
The mother wanted her daughter to be near her after the death of her husband and the migration of her other children to other towns /countries.
In the end, the daughter’s marriage collapsed and her wish of not being alone came through as she moved in with her daughter.
True story 3: She hesitated to say it, this woman that had sought me out for counseling. After much coaxing she whispered in a pained voice. “I have tried to rationalize it, denied it for so long but I can’t fool myself any longer, my mother is jealous of me. I have found out that every time I buy some thing for myself she insists I buy the same thing for her or comes up with a project I must fund. I find myself hiding my highs and wins from her because once she becomes aware of them although she professes joy for me, she immediately comes up with something I “must do for her.” It seems we are in a competition and I dare not breast the tape before her or at the very least without her by my side.
The three examples I have given above are real and they tell the extreme story of the minority of children to whom motherhood is not what it is expected to be. I have found this to be rife especially between mothers and their daughters and from what I have heard, this anomaly is more widespread than we acknowledge. The reasons why some mothers seemingly have no love for the children born from their wombs vary and many times they arise from the circumstances in which the child was conceived or birthed like the lady in the first story or can be as a result of selfishness and a need to control and manipulate the child as in the second story or as a result of feelings of jealousy as in the third story.
It could be because the marriage that produced the child broke down and the child who most often looks like her father is a reminder of her misadventure in love, it could be the unhealthy competition with her daughter for her husband’s attention and love, it could be that having a child saddled her with responsibilities early in life thereby stifling her growth and diluting her resources to improve herself, it could be that she is jealous of the opportunities available to her child which were denied her or of her lifestyle, beauty and youthfulness. Whatever the reasons, the reality is that some mothers find themselves unable to love one or more of their children in healthy ways so that the children are unable to stand by themselves or make much of their lives.
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I believe that apart from post -natal depression, being narcissistic and selfish by nature, many mothers who cannot seem to love their biological children because they are dissatisfied with their own lives and suffer from the phenomenon known as “maternal regret.” Maternal regret is a word coined by Israeli Sociologist Orna Donath and made popular by her book “ Regretting Motherhood” published in 2015. It is said to occur when a woman regrets the act of bringing children into the world. In a world where motherhood is exulted and cherished, it is an anomaly when women regret becoming mothers and understanding why some women experience this feeling will aid in eradicating toxic, selfish, manipulative, abusive and controlling mothers.
Motherhood brings about the disruption of the life of all mothers no matter their ages, education and social status and some women never recover from the disruption to their lives either because it restricts their educational and earning capabilities or it affects them socially. Motherhood places a heavy burden on women and more often than not, mothers are not cut any slack right from when they conceive till when they die. Whilst men often show their disenchantment with fatherhood by walking away, most mothers cannot do same because society equates motherhood with sacrifice and many women find their identities in their role as mothers, therefore to deny motherhood is seen as a denial of oneself.
That’s why we all will wonder at the woman who in leaving a bad marriage, leaves her child behind and call her a bad mother deliberately ignoring the fact that she may not have what it takes to take care of her children by herself and that it is this public condemnation that has made many women die as victims of domestic violence because society will judge them badly for not only taking a walk but for leaving their children behind.
The effects of a mother’s hatred or unbecoming behavior towards her child usually results in the child being conflicted and invariably feeling that the state of their relationship is solely theirs rather than the mothers. The painful realization that the state of affairs between them has nothing to do with anything they have done but who they are and what they represent is a very bitter pill to swallow for most children. Also closely linked is the effect of selfishness on the part of the mother who sees her child as an extension of herself and refuses for her to come to her own mainly because of her need to be wanted.
The examples I gave are quite extreme, however, the truth is that one can experience maternal regret without taking it out on the child or hating the child and that one can be a good mother even if they wished they were not one because of the circumstances they have found themselves and finally, that one can love the children they have and totally hate the idea of having more children.
It Mother’s Day ( US version) in some few days and I will like to encourage all those whose Mother’s extreme behavior makes them undeserving of the appellation ‘mother’ to remember that their mother’s behavior or treatment is not a reflection of who they are but of their mother’s, that having maternal regret does not necessarily mean they hate their children but that they hate what motherhood represents to them and the sacrifices, limitations and restrictions that come with it and advice that they lower their expectations of what they feel a good mother should be and accept that their mother’s may or may not become the mother they crave for.
As for the mothers who can’t seem to love their children wholeheartedly, do know that your child is not personally responsible for what has happened to you, accept the fact that their lives will be different from yours either because of the opportunities you have given them or the evolution of societal norms and values, take the first step in breaching the gap between you and your child and remember that your child is not and cannot be an extension of you.
Happy Mother’s Day