I recently finished reading Hello Beautiful by Ann Napolitano, a lovely read centred on the themes of family, love, estrangement and reconciliation.
The story follows the lives of Julia, Sylvie, Cecelia and Emeline, the four Padavano sisters, their parents- Charlie and Rose, their spouses- William and Josie and the grandchildren Izzy and Alice. We become privy to the ties that bind them and how they become estranged and reconciled over the years. Reading the individual and collective stories of all the characters and looking at life through their lenses made me understand better the reasons why people become estranged even though they may love one another.
I had always thought that estrangement was as a result of betrayal of trust but the book opened my eyes to the fact that estrangement could arise when people are disillusioned or disappointed in one person or each other. In the story, the three married couples become estranged due to the fact that one spouse wants a life that is different from what the other spouse desires or what had been assented to in the heady period of courtship.
Rose the matriarch is a strong willed person set in her ways and her disappointment of who her husband turns out to be, causes an estrangement in their home with each spouse carving out a safe haven and territories for themselves. Julie is a passionate and driven person who has every aspect of her life planned out and set just so. Her realisation that William her husband (who hitherto had conformed to the path she set before him) does not have it within himself to be the person she wants him to be causes an estrangement in the marriage leading to the disintegration of the marriage as William deserts her in his bid to give meaning to his life. Another example of estrangement that arises from disappointment that comes readily to mind is that of a friend whose choice of a husband led to the non attendance of her wedding by her parents and a decision to disinherit her.
I also learnt that sometimes estrangement can be as a result of a person thinking that the other person is better off without them in the picture. It may sound warped but this can be true especially in cases where there are mental health issues and the strong fear of contaminating the emotions and life of minors.
I have always believed that Life is too short to hold grudges, especially when we love or like the person we have dealings with and that sometimes holding onto grudges or past hurts can do more harm than good, especially because of the brevity of time we mortals have. This has made me determined to ensure that I always keep the lines of communication open with others even though our relationship may be strained and boundaries have been drawn. My position may be due to the fact that I am considered by reason of my birth position as a first child to be a people pleaser, as a result, I don’t leave WhatsApp group chats unless it is closed down, the objective having being achieved and I don’t take sides when people fight one another, especially when it has nothing to do with me nor can it be said of me that I contributed to the reason why hitherto close friends fall out.
I understand that people need to let go of toxic relationships and I am by no means suggesting that we stay put in relationships that are bad for us, my appeal is to those who have an estranged relationship with a loved one and are hurting because they miss that person in their lives, to those who know that the reason they have not repaired the relationship is because of ego, pride and even shame or guilt, to those who know that if they hear of the death of their loved one, they will weep tears of regret and wonder why they left it too late to be reconciled with them.
The truth is that time has a way of making what seemed so big a deal rather insignificant and whether we are willing to acknowledge it or not, the truth is that all parties lose out when there is an estrangement. The parents who refuse to acknowledge their daughter’s marriage will not only lose the relationship they have with her but will be strangers to her children who carry their bloodlines. The siblings who fight will deny their children the gift of having close bonds with their cousins who should be their oldest friends. The spouses who are estranged contribute to the dysfunctional behaviour of their children.
I acknowledge that it can be challenging to let go of grudges and reconcile with someone that has hurt us whether or not they meant to, but looking at the big picture and the impact that estrangement has, not only on us but everyone it affects should help us make the decision, time and effort towards reconciliation after prioritising our emotional safety. It can also be helpful if we find people willing to mediate on our behalf and if we pursue reconciliation at a pace comfortable to all parties.
The phrase “Life is short, let it go” is a reminder to us all not to dwell on negativity or hold onto grudges and regrets. The phrase emphasises the brevity of life and encourages us to focus on what truly matters, such as happiness, relationships and personal growth. By letting go of unnecessary burdens, we can live a more fulfilling and peaceful life, making the most of the time we have with the people we love and who love us back because life is truly very short and we don’t even know how long we have with anyone.