I read the post on social media by Noshavyah Adana Walcott who in a moving tribute dedicated her attainment of a degree to her ex-husband. She wrote “He was by no means perfect, and I was further away from it but despite all our differences he put my academics first! Always made sure I had what I needed to complete my courses. Even after we separated, he still remains constant and reliable and was always one phone call away. He is truly a great individual. In the months following our separation, I saw how cruel men could be and how swift they were to pull down and bash the women they were building. I am fortunate enough that he continued to lay bricks on the foundations of my education and for that he has my undying love. He was not able to join me today but ensured that I got to and from graduation. I am happy we chose to preserve six years of friendship despite our indifferences. My dearest love, you also have my eternal gratitude.”
I must say that it was very heartwarming to read the post, especially knowing how we vilify our exes and friends when the relationship ends. By the way, I don’t think she was trying to warm her way back into his heart or regretting that he was out of her life. In my opinion and I believe that of every right-thinking person, she was appreciative of his humanity because he clearly did not owe her his continued support.
Ms Walcott’s post made me take another look at my own past relationships- romantic or otherwise and I realized that I have often looked at people through the lenses of the good they have done to me in the past. I have never stopped talking to someone just because we fell out nor have I denied their part in my story, especially the good they did to me because they are now part of my history. The part they played in my history, is why even though my late husband wronged me, I was able to take care of him when he became sick with cancer, it’s the reason I still maintain contact with my in-laws particularly my mother-in-law because she played a great part in supporting me when I needed a mother figure when my children were growing up, it’s the reason that although a dear friend decided to limit our friendship, I still reach out from time to time because of the good memories we shared growing up together.
Breaking up and parting ways with a partner or friend is often very painful and we may not even understand why the relationship ended, especially where the person is a great human being and didn’t hurt us in any significant ways, we still have feelings for the person and value their friendship. However, things happen, and partners and friends find themselves at odd ends not because they are terrible people but because they cannot be what or who the other party wants them to be at that time.
When relationships end, we tend to want a clean break from the other person either because if we initiated the death of the relationship -we need our space and the freedom to navigate life without the person or if we were at the receiving end, we are still hurting or even angry that the relationship has ended.
Whatever the reasons for the breakup ,it will be difficult to maintain a friendship with the other person either because the person has moved on and we can’t bear to see someone else take our place or we haven’t gotten over them and it is better for us to maintain a distance than have our wounds open every time we see them. However, there are strong reasons for remaining friends or being civil after a separation.
- Children- I find it disheartening when couples allow their children to be caught in the crossfire of their fight with one another. For their sake, we must learn to sheathe our swords and allow them to be free to interact with either parent without feeling guilty and that can only be achieved when we are civil with one another. The same goes for children of friends who grew up together. Why must our children become enemies just because our friendship has ended? Why must the next generation bloom the seeds of discord sown by their once close parents who were friends?
- Healing through mutual respect- When a romantic relationship or friendship ends, negative feelings can arise, and it’s easy to blame the other person for what went wrong. However, choosing to stay friends allows both parties to see each other as human and to practice empathy and forgiveness. Rather than dwelling on hurt or anger, a friendship can create space for healing through respect and understanding and allow both people to move forward without the weight of bitterness.
- After separation, our memories, milestones, and life experiences do not disappear with the end of the relationship. Those moments have helped in shaping who we are and often hold valuable life lessons. By choosing to stay in each other’s lives, we can honor those experiences, appreciate how they have contributed to our personal growth and offer each other emotional continuity and stability even as we start fresh chapters.
- In many relationships, the closeness built over time creates a bond that makes former partners or friends good supporters in one another’s lives, even after separation. Staying friends can offer a unique type of encouragement. A former partner or close friend knows our goals, struggles, and aspirations deeply, making them ideal cheerleaders for our continued success. This support provides motivation to become the best versions of ourselves as can be seen in the story of Noshavyah Adana Walcott and her Ex.
- Learning Valuable Lessons for Future Relationships. Every relationship is a chance to learn. When we choose to remain friends with former partners or friends, we are more likely to reflect on our past actions and gain insights into our behaviors, patterns, and growth areas. These reflections make it easier to build healthier, stronger relationships in the future. Understanding where things went wrong and how they can be improved benefits not just the individuals involved, but our future partners or friends as well.
- Creating a Positive Example for Others. Maintaining a friendship post-breakup or separation sets a healthy example for others. It’s an acknowledgment that relationships don’t have to end in bitterness or anger, and that people are allowed to outgrow each other while still respecting and caring for each other. This example is especially valuable if children are involved, as they can see that love, kindness, and respect can transcend difficulties and that separation doesn’t mean abandoning someone.
Truth be told, Love can take many forms and by staying in each other’s lives, we can redefine love by showing that it doesn’t always have to mean romantic involvement or daily interaction—it can also mean continued respect, support, and kindness, maturity and self-awareness.
Finally, may I caution that staying friends with a former partner or friend may not be easy or feasible in every case as some people are so toxic they can’t be redeemed. However, where the person is a decent human being, choosing to remain friends adds a new dimension to life that enriches both parties long after the initial chapter has ended.
I leave us with the words of Barry White in His song “Whatever we had we had” dedicated to his wife Golden after their separation.
As the world turns from day to day
As we live we have to make decisions
And when we make those decisions
Things don’t always turn out the way
We’d like them to or want them to
No matter what we feel or what seems real things change
We don’t have a crystal ball to look into
To know what our future is going to be
Or what it gonna be
You meet someone
You care for that someone, you love that one
We made plans, we planned for so many things
Life has always been that way
So you must understand how I feel when I say we’ve had
Our run
Good times, sad times, the fun times, the bad times
We should always remember
Thet we started as friends, there’s no reason
We shouldn’t end as friends
So whatever we had, we had
Whatever we had, we had
Whatever we had it’s over, over now
We parted as friends
And for that i’m so glad
But whatever we had, we had
You know time has played a very important role on our relationship
It was time that first brought us together and
It’s time that we separate and leave each other
No matter what you might think, parting is always sweet sorrow
But whatever we had, we had
Whenever we loved, we loved
Whatever it was, it’s over now
We both understand things don’t
Always fall the way we plan
Whatever we had, we had