Love is arguably one of the most discussed, analysed, and misunderstood emotions in human experience. It has inspired countless songs, movies, novels and philosophical debates. Yet, despite its ubiquity, the true essence of love remains elusive, shaped by individual experiences, societal norms and cultural contexts. This complexity was brought into sharp focus during a conversation with a friend who casually asked me, “Do you still love your wife?”
At first, the question seemed simple. But as I pondered my response, I realised that answering it truthfully required peeling back layers of assumptions about what love really means. The startling truth? I wasn’t entirely sure I understood love in its purest form. This uncertainty led me to reflect deeply on the nature of love, drawing from my own life, my parents’ relationship and broader societal narratives.
The early highs of romantic love
When I first met my wife, love felt like an intoxicating drug. Her presence alone had the power to lift my spirits and make my heart race. Every interaction was electric, and even the simplest gestures carried an inexplicable weight. I’d eagerly anticipate her calls, cherish every shared laugh and feel an overwhelming sense of joy just seeing her walk toward me. It was a euphoria I could only compare to the high some people describe when using substances like marijuana.
This stage of love is often characterized by passion and infatuation. Psychologists refer to it as the “honeymoon phase,” a time when neurotransmitters like dopamine and oxytocin flood the brain, creating feelings of bliss and attachment. It’s a beautiful period, but as many couples discover, it’s not permanent. Over time, the intensity of these initial emotions tends to wane, replaced by something quieter yet potentially more profound.
The evolution of love
Years later, my love for my wife has transformed. The fiery passion that once defined our early relationship has softened into a steady warmth. We’ve weathered storms together, from financial struggles to parenting challenges, and celebrated milestones like the birth of our children and career achievements. Through it all, love has become less about fleeting moments of ecstasy and more about a deep sense of companionship and interdependence.
This evolution is not unique to my experience. Many long-term couples describe love as something that matures over time, much like fine wine. It becomes less about grand romantic gestures and more about the small, everyday acts of kindness and support. In this stage, love is quieter but no less meaningful. It’s found in the comfort of shared silence, the reassurance of a partner’s presence during tough times, and the unspoken understanding that comes from years of shared history.
A contrast in generational love
Reflecting on my parents’ relationship offered another perspective. My father and mother’s union was arranged—a practice still common in many parts of the world. My mother, a young woman from a small village called Aballa in Delta State, was introduced to my father as his third wife. They didn’t have the luxury of dating or choosing each other based on mutual attraction. Yet, despite these circumstances, their relationship endured for decades.
From my vantage point as a child, their relationship lacked the overt displays of affection often associated with love. They didn’t exchange “I love yous” or engage in public demonstrations of romantic intimacy. However, their bond was unmistakable. My mother’s devotion to my father was unwavering, and his quiet respect for her spoke volumes. When my father passed away, my mother followed him not long after, as if their lives were so entwined that she couldn’t imagine continuing without him.
Their story challenges modern notions of love, which often prioritise passion, personal fulfillment and emotional expression. It suggests that love can also be about duty, sacrifice, and a deep sense of responsibility to one’s partner. While this type of love may lack the fireworks of romantic passion, it possesses a quiet strength that sustains relationships through life’s inevitable trials.
The many faces of love
One of the most fascinating aspects of love is its diversity. No two people experience it in exactly the same way, and even within a single relationship, love can take on different forms over time. For some, love is a consuming fire that burns brightly but may also cause destruction. For others, it’s a slow and steady force, like a long-distance runner who persists through rain, sun, and hills until the finish line.
The ancient Greeks recognized this diversity, categorizing love into several distinct types:
Eros: Passionate, romantic love fueled by physical attraction and desire.
Philia: Deep friendship and camaraderie.
Agape: Selfless, unconditional love that seeks the well-being of others.
Storge: Familial love, rooted in familiarity and shared history.
Pragma: Practical, enduring love that develops over time.
Ludus: Playful, flirtatious love.
Philautia: Self-love, which can be healthy or narcissistic.
These categories underscore the complexity of love and its ability to manifest in myriad ways. While romantic love often takes center stage in popular culture, the other forms are equally vital to a fulfilling life. A deep friendship, a parent’s love for their child, or a commitment to self-care can be just as transformative as a passionate romance.
Love in the modern world
In today’s fast-paced, technology-driven society, love faces unique challenges. Social media and dating apps have transformed how people meet and interact, creating both opportunities and obstacles. On one hand, these platforms make it easier than ever to connect with others. On the other, they often promote superficial connections and unrealistic expectations about relationships.
Moreover, the emphasis on individualism in contemporary culture has shifted the focus of love from partnership to personal satisfaction. Many people view relationships as vehicles for self-fulfillment rather than mutual growth and support. While this perspective has its merits, it can also lead to disillusionment when relationships fail to meet idealized standards.
My answer to the question
When my friend asked if I still loved my wife, I could have responded with a simple “Yes” or “No.” Instead, I told him, “I understand what you mean by love, but I do know that I can’t imagine my life without my wife.”
To me, this response captures the essence of enduring love. It’s not about constant passion or unrelenting happiness. It’s about building a life together, facing challenges as a team, and finding joy in the mundane. It’s about knowing that, no matter what happens, your partner is an integral part of your journey.
Embracing love’s complexity
Love defies easy definition. It’s a kaleidoscope of emotions, actions, and commitments that evolve over time. For some, it’s fiery and intense; for others, it’s steady and enduring. It can bring unparalleled joy and profound pain, often in equal measure.
The worth of love is evidently found in its honesty rather than its intensity. Love enhances our lives in innumerable ways, whether it is via the ardor of a fresh romance, the subdued dedication of a committed relationship, or the selflessness of a parent’s love for their kid. We may enjoy its many gifts and discover significance in its various manifestations if we accept its complexity and let it develop and change.
Is my wife still someone I love? Of course. More than anything, though, I treasure the life we’ve forged together, the memories we’ve made, and the future we’re still forming. That is the purest manifestation of love, in my opinion. Photo credit