I follow an instagram account named @Meetcutesnyc. It interviews couples randomly and sometimes staged in the case of adverts for dating apps on the streets of New York by asking first if they are a couple, how they met, what they like about each other and sometimes advice to other couples.
Of all the editions I have watched, the advice that resonated deep within me is that given by Stephanie who had been married for 47 years. She said “a long marriage is not one marriage. It’s about multiple marriages strung together within the marriage to different people”
I had always wondered when I read or even witnessed the breakup or divorce of couples who have been together for a longtime but I believe that Stephanie’s statement is one of the unacknowledged reasons why long marriages fail or succeed. In my opinion, I believe that the bane of most marriages is the refusal or non acknowledgment of the fact that one’s partner would change in the course of the marriage in all areas – physically, emotionally, sexually, socially , intellectually, etc.
I married quite young, 22 going on 23 and at that time, all I was concerned about was marrying the man that loved me. My desires were simple and I just wanted to love and be loved. I really wasn’t ambitious and in my naivety assumed that so far we were together, things would automatically work out. Shortly after marriage, I discovered that my expectations had changed and I wanted more as I began to see myself as a wife in the eyes of society. When I became a mother, I discovered another side of me-the nurturing and cautious person in me came out putting a damper on my adventurous nature because after all, I had children to take care of and could not afford to take risks.
When I reached my 30’s which incidentally I believe, is the age a woman begins to know herself and what she wants out of life, I began a self-discovery journey which changed my perception of myself and I became more confident and assertive having proven to myself that I had what it took to be a wife and mother. In my 40’s I rediscovered my childhood friends, desires and ambition and the knowledge that I had turned a significant age made me pursue things that I really wanted to do and not what I had to do because of my children, husband or society. I took solo holidays, became more independent and less needy of affirmation.
I wasn’t the only one that changed in the relationship, Mr Aisi, too had his own fair amount of change. Having married rather early himself at 25 years, the burdens of proving himself as being responsible enough to cater for a family fell on him early and stunted his personal goals and ambitions. He did jobs he didn’t necessarily want because of his family but in his mid 30’s he pursued his passion for teaching which turned out to be more than a passion but a calling. His success gave him the licence to experiment and make up time for his stolen youth, sow some wild oats and experience midlife crisis which led into his 40s.
At the time he died, our marriage had gone through a lot of storms and at a time both of us seriously considered jumping ship but what held us together was our friendship which enabled us to see the person we married in the person we were presently and our acceptance of that person.
Life will happen to our marriages, sickness, poverty, riches, infidelity etc are things that will not only test our marriages but will change us. They are things that will subdue or bring out the best and worst in us, they are capable of either killing or birthing good and evil in us. I know of men who were hardworking and responsible but who couldn’t find themselves after losing their jobs and slid into depression, alcohol and pessimism and also men who became rich beyond their expectations and started to indulge in things that they had earlier condemned. I know of women who started doing well financially and became arrogant and disrespectful to their husbands or women who had affairs because suddenly they discovered that they were not emotionally or sexually attracted to their husbands.
You may say and I agree, that situations bring out what is in us but my point is, that at the time we marry, we haven’t gone through those situations and so do not know what they will bring out in us or our spouses. I dare say that some of us have been surprised at our behaviors when we manifest them and it is therefore not surprising that our partners will not only be surprised but feel cheated about the person we have evolved into in marriage.
The way I see it , there are three main stages in marriage. Before the children come, when they are at home and after they leave the nest. Each stage draws out different responses in both spouses and in the bid to cope with those stages we will find (a) outlets for our emotions- for women it could be TV series, for men it could be sports -Football etc and (b) coping mechanisms-for some women it could be shopping and for some men it could be alcohol or gambling.
Most times because we are engrossed with day to day living and bringing up the children we hardly see our partners evolving right before our eyes until it’s too late or the children leave the house and then we sit down one day and discover we are married to a stranger.
So how do we stay connected and committed to the familiar stranger opposite us
- Understand that people change due to their rising self awareness, changed environment and circumstances. A lot of people who have left the shores of the country elsewhere have had a cultural shift which has impacted greatly not only on them but on their marriages. An example is that of a woman who because of the dictates of religion, eschewed females wearing trousers and has a change of heart partly due to the weather and perspectives in their new environment, that trouser wearing isn’t the sin it was painted to be to the consternation of her husband who is still so minded.
- Accept the change so far it does not change the things you care mostly about in your spouse. So for instance if your spouse who was a teetotaler suddenly starts to drink vodka or beer because his previous beliefs that alcohol was bad have changed but he remains the responsible man that he has always been, accept the change as it is obvious that his values may still be the same and are not affected by his new social awareness.
- Give them space to be themselves. A lot of times women especially are guilty of not allowing our men be and enjoying themselves. I was guilty of that. When we met, Mr Aisi was not a football lover, he hardly watched matches both local and foreign, so you can imagine my shock when he became an avid Arsenal supporter going to sport bars to watch football because it was more exciting to watch with other fans and also because some bars had multiple televisions and one could look at all the games playing simultaneously. It took me time to understand that he had a right to evolve and find new hobbies even as I did and that I didn’t have to like what he liked and vice versa and we could have separate interests and still be happily married.
- Be patient. Sometimes we need to let our spouse grow into their own and not deny them what they think will make them happy. It is a very difficult thing to do especially when they make choices that impact our marriages negatively but if we do it wisely especially when they understand the boundaries and know what is at stake they will be grateful for that opportunity to live life on their terms albeit for a while and will also understand and accommodate our frailties when it’s our turn to misbehave.
- Forgive, forgive, forgive. The process of self evolution will no doubt bring pain both to the person evolving and their partner. We must find the grace to forgive knowing that we are not perfect and that mistakes do and should not necessarily define who we are or our past contributions to the marriage.
The secret to having a good long marriage is the ability to accept a changing partner and a changing marriage. It’s the ability to understand that the person you married is going to evolve in ways you may not understand and a commitment to love all the people they become. I am now in my 50’s and what I am looking for now in a man is totally different from what I was looking for in my 20’s and I can say confidently that it’s the same for everyone of us whether or not we are in a relationship. Let’s cut ourselves some slack and live life focusing on what is important and binds us, rather than those little seemingly important but inconsequential things that divide.
May God help us all.