I was speaking with a friend and in the course of our conversation she let it slip that she and her husband had not had sex in years though they shared the same bedroom. She mumbled something about menopause and how the attendant dryness had affected her desire for sex and the ability to enjoy it. She said that paradoxically, although her desire to have sex had decreased she had an increasing need to have physical contact – a hug, kiss, cuddle but couldn’t because she no longer found her husband attractive as he had gained weight and she couldn’t stand the sight of his tummy.
Some days later, I spoke with yet another friend who mentioned that she was looking for a man who she could flirt with and who could satisfy her emotional needs. When I asked after her husband, she confirmed they were still together but they were not sleeping with one another though they also shared the same bed. She said she wasn’t being satisfied sexually and that she had resolved that rather than be unfulfilled she would rather do without.
I was amazed at my friends because they had what I was looking for and were still bemoaning their fate but I realised that so many people are on this table where their marriages are in a comatose state and though all looks well on the outside, they are yearning for sex, love and affection.
I asked them a couple of questions as to how they came to that state, for both of them, their husbands didn’t seem to mind and had accepted the norm. I concluded then that the men were probably meeting their sexual needs outside the home and asked my friends how they were meeting their own needs. One said she had bought sex toys but they couldn’t satisfy the need to be held and kissed intimately and that she used them only when the desire to have sex became overwhelming. The other said she was waiting for her husband to ask her for sex.
I sought to know if they initiated sex with their husbands and to my surprise they both said No for the following reasons.
- They didn’t think it was in their place to ask for sex.
- They thought their husbands were sleeping with other women and they couldn’t bring themselves to sleep with them.
- It was their husbands responsibility to make sex exciting for them.
I was amazed at their revelations because I felt they were too educated, exposed and sophisticated to have those mindsets. They had both dated before they got married and I dare say they were not virgins in fact, one of them compared her husbands lovemaking to that of her boyfriend in university as below standard, but here they were, married women with unfulfilled sexual desires sleeping next to someone who could satisfy their need if only they asked.
Nna, you see this thing called Pride. It has no place in marriage ooo. I have always felt that I was entitled to my husbands body just in the same manner he is to mine and there was a time when even though we were not on good terms I asked for sex because I had an urge for it. I figured that if prostitutes could have sex with men they don’t love, I could satisfy my urge with my husband even when I was upset with him.
I wonder therefore why a lot of women don’t feel free to make advances on their men. I understand that because of the changes in our bodies overtime, a lot of women are body conscious and that their men may have made uncharitable comments about their bodies, I also am aware that the fear of rejection is real but in my thinking those factors alone should not stop us from initiating sex except where the man abuses us emotionally because of our body size. Truth be told, men also have a fear of rejection and so many times when we tell them No they actually feel we are rejecting their person but they still ask again and again because they have a right to our bodies.
In the study, “I Want You to Want Me: A Qualitative Analysis of Heterosexual Men’s Desire to Feel Desired in Intimate Relationships”, authored by Sarah Hunter Murray and Lori Brotto. 88% of the men profiled said there were things their partners could do to make them feel more desired. Nearly half of the men (49%) suggested that they wished their partners would be more assertive/dominant during sex. Additionally, 17% wished their partners would initiate sex more often, 15% wanted their partners to clearly communicate their sexual needs and desires, and 14% simply craved more sexual interest from their partners.
Interestingly, when describing things their partners could do to show their sexual desire, many men described actions that were romantic rather than sexual. For example, 18% of the men wanted more romance from their partners, 16% wanted more non-sexual touch, and 19% insinuated they wanted more flirting/teasing from their partners.
“While we tend to believe that men are the ones who ‘do the wanting’ and are the ones to pursue sexual activity and demonstrate desire for their partners, men also want to be desired in return. Men in my study described that they didn’t just want their partner to initiate more sexual activity, they wanted to be romanced,” said Hunter Murray
Most women tend to assume that because sex is a big deal for most men and because they get turned on faster than women and are excited by what they see, there is no need to approach them for sex when we are married to them because they will invariably come to us. But that assumption is false because one of the greatest needs of a man is to be wanted and that includes physical desire. It is a great turn on for most men when their woman initiates sex , it is even better when she introduces new styles and concepts to their art of lovemaking. True a number of them may wonder as to what is going on but if you make it exciting for them they would throw themselves in headlong and ask questions afterwards.
Also true is the fact that men also have the need to be complimented and not only as to their sexual prowess but also on their looks, their physique, their sense of style etc. and the reason most of us do not know this is because they feel shy or embarrassed to ask because it is assumed that they don’t care about such things and revealing that they do care may imply that they are soft and less of a man.
So ladies initiate sex, flirt with your man, compliment his looks, be adventurous and responsive and maybe just maybe you’ll understand that it’s not always about kayamata and special packages.