My sister, buy a vibrator, they are better than Lagos boys

I met Kayode three years ago.

I woke up that morning to a running tummy and so missed the staff bus.

Running late in a danfo, I was not ready for the conductor’s “I don’t have change” nonsense.

But the dark tall and handsome dude in all black stepped up to the plate.

He paid for me, accepted my thanks and left. No cards exchanged. No here is my number.

As a babe I was a bit pissed, sha.

 

Let him give number or card na, and let me do my shakara and decide whether to call or not.

I forgot about him quickly as work and life took over but two weeks later I was at the neighbourhood super market when I ran into him.

“Hey, thanks for the other time,” I said as we shook hands.

His smile was bright and there was a dimple in his right cheek.

“No problem at all. It was my pleasure.”

He was about to do that ‘I-am-not-interested’ ish when I held on and introduced myself.

“My name is Tega. I live on Odunlami. Do you live close by?”

“Yes. On AbokoOna. Kayode. Friends call me Kay.”

That was how we finally exchanged phone numbers and by the time I got home, he had sent me a whatsApp message and asked whether I would like to go for a music show. He worked in PR and had tickets.

I said yes. I was home alone in my self-contained apartment and a night on the town wouldn’t be too bad. And it wasn’t as if I had a boyfriend who would mind.

The show was at Rumours, something about a Campari launch and 2face was in the building. It was loud and sweaty and fun and we had lots of Campari to drink.

At a point I had to go outside to get some fresh air and catch my breath.

“Tega,” I heard him whisper in my ear as his arms enfolded me.

I liked the feel and smell of him and felt my body respond so when he turned me around and kissed me, I kissed him back without inhibition.

We found a cab and headed home.

He shared his flat with three others. The living room was a mess of shirts and trousers, books and dvds but his room was well kept. I noticed all that the next morning because we were kissing from the door to his room and the only question I remembered to ask as his lips found my nipples was whether he had a condom.

Kayode was a good lover. He was gentle and creative and he gave me three orgasms in quick succession beginning with his tongue and ending with his thick schlong.

We made love the next morning after we woke up. This time, he took his time to pleasure me and I was screaming out in ecstasy before I remembered the child of whom I was and that he had flat mates.

As we cuddled post-coitus, I thought I heard laughter and shuffling feet outside his door.

“You think they heard me?” I asked mortified

“You were pretty loud,” Kayode said and kissed me. “But you were loud for a good reason.”

I showered and we walked back to my place where I made him breakfast and we had sex again.

It became a daily affair.

We had sex after work and sometimes before work because if I didn’t sleep at his, he would at mine but I noticed something strange. Every time we made love at his, I would hear laughter and shuffling feet outside his door. It made me so self-conscious I wouldn’t make a sound while we made love.

So, one day while he was in the bathroom, I decided to inspect the door. Voila, they had rigged the lock in a way that they could pull out the chamber and watch us while we were at it.

I was dressed and furious by the time he came out.

“What is this? Are you guys 16 and retarded?”
He didn’t say a word. He just stood there like a boy caught stealing meat from the pot.

“Bastards!” I screamed at his roommates as I stormed out but what hurt me most was hearing their laughter as I stormed down the staircase.

I felt dirty and violated. How could they?

I swore off men for about six months until I met James at our Christmas party. He had come with one of my colleagues, Tina, who introduced him as her cousin. He was tall, dark and handsome. My spec in capital letters and we hit it off.

I took my time with James but in the end I was swept off my feet. He was suave and sweet and a romantic.

But that was until I arrived his place unannounced. He had asked whether I was coming over. I said I wasn’t but then our transformer had blown and not in a mood to run the gen or sleep with inverter and no AC, I decided to go to his.

I called o. Twice and sent a text but Mr. Man was busy.

I got to his and obeying my instincts I let myself in through the back entrance and what did I see. James was in bed with Tina.

“I thought he was your cousin?” I blurted out looking from him to Tina.

“Calm down, Tega,” he said and that was when I lost it.

I picked up his new Mac and flung it at him. He could have dodged it o but in trying to save it, he missed and got a huge gash on his forehead. I took off as Tina tried to help stop the bleeding.

It took me a while to recover. I made peace with Tina because my mother always told me – “Leave the woman and focus on your man. He is the real dog.”

It’s been two years now and I have sworn off men. I have my sex toys and whenever I feel like, you know, I reach for them. They are better and more loyal than Lagos boys.

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