The first time I had an abortion. I was 18, a newcomer in adult games and I knew without a doubt I couldn’t keep the child. There was no point telling anyone apart from the father who turned tail and ran away without a backward glance never to surface till years later with an apology on his lips. I was in the university and although I was legally an adult I was still a child, unsure of what I wanted to do in life and my path. A child would have caused complications that I wasn’t ready to face or bear. So I saved up my pocket money, visited a doctor who had a clinic in the school environs, went under general anesthesia and by the time I woke up the deed was done.
The last time I had an abortion, I had just clocked 30, a married woman with two children, a committed Christian, active in my local church. We had been careless and in an act of passion forgotten all about protection. If anyone had told me years or even months earlier especially after my remorse after the first one that I I would consider ever having another abortion I would have sneered at them, but our reality brought us no other option (so we thought at that time). We had moved to Lagos and were just getting on our feet, Mr Aisi had just started working after trying his hands on so many things, to put food on the table including kabu-kabu, I had just gotten a job after almost two years of staying at home nursing my last, we were staying in my parents in-law’s boys quarter, which was just one room en-suite and was already cramped with 2 kids and 2 adults. There was no room for a baby and I could just imagine the remarks of family and friends who would have wondered if we were plain foolish or stupid. In short we couldn’t see a way out. Looking back there were ways out but we just couldn’t fathom or see them.
So we went to a qualified doctor and again I went under general anesthesia and woke up to find out that the deed had been done but this time there was a difference, the attending nurse who obviously was not in support of what I had done showed me the fetus that had been brought out. It was a sight I would never forget but the message she sent was clear. I had done the unthinkable again and the punishment was years of self loathe and guilt especially since I was a practicing Christian and even though I knew theoretically that I had been forgiven I couldn’t find the grace to forgive myself.
I have thought hard and long about sharing this personal story but it is a story that I feel compelled to share even though I am aware of the fact that I had committed crimes still punishable under our laws and also because of the judgmental attitude of our society. My reasons for sharing are varied and are as follows-
- A lot of people abuse and vilify those that commit abortions, and they do have a reason to because it is murder plain and simple but it’s not so cut and dried .A lot of people find themselves in overwhelming situations that they can’t seem to find a way out even though others can see a way out for them and some times it’s the only option for them even though it might seem self serving and convenient to others.
- We foolishly think and accuse women who can’t have children of having had an abortion in the past but there’s more to not having children than committing an abortion. Things like endometriosis, problems with the Fallopian tubes, ovaries and uterus etc I know people that married as virgins yet do not have children.
- We need to talk to our children about sex education and foster a relationship which will encourage them to talk to us about anything including sex and even pregnancy outside marriage. There is no doubt in my mind that we will be able to save more babies if parents were more accommodating of their children’s mistakes. I am glad to say that my generation is more accepting (especially in the light of so many people having problems with infertility) of children born outside wedlock. I know at least 3 families (Pentecostal Christians) who have openly supported and stood by their female children who got pregnant outside marriage.
- Abortion is sold to us as the right of the woman and it is true to some extent but no one tells us about the guilt that comes with it. The guilt of knowing you killed your children even though you love the ones you have with a passion and cannot bear anything to harm them. The guilt you feel when anything goes bad in your life because surely that’s the reward for having committed such a hideous sin. Those that advocate for abortion do not tell us about the guilt and the shame. They don’t tell us that it takes something away from us, they don’t tell us that we dread going to heaven and meeting the children we killed who will sorrowfully ask us if we didn’t love them enough to keep them here. They tell us about rights, about being able to make our choice and though it’s good, we should nevertheless hear the two sides to the story.
- Abortion has become a political issue. It is a sore point for people around the world- likened to witchcraft and the worst of all sins. It is used as an electioneering campaign in the USA and politicians are voted for based on their stance on abortion. Although a lot of noise is made about it, it is my belief that most women caught in the battle are sidelined, ignored and rejected rather than being helped.
- Having a child is a heavy and demanding lifelong responsibility and not everyone is ready to have one when they get pregnant. The tendency is for people to step in to stop the abortion and mostly withdraw when the baby is born but sometimes that does more harm than good as I saw in the case of a young girl that killed her 2 year old child by drowning her. She had been persuaded to have the child by her elder sister who was taking care of them both but as she soon found out, her sister could not do everything for her.
- There are instances where abortions are recommended- where the child has a congenital disease, a sickle cellar, Down syndrome, where the mother’s life is at risk, where the mother is a victim of a rape, where contraceptives fail etc and sometimes faith does not give immediate miracles as we are wont to believe though good can come out of every bad. I remember someone who was advised to have an abortion because her child had a birth defect, she refused and had the child who died 5 years after not having attained a single milestone of a child below her age.
- To create awareness that abortions are being done all around us by both the married and the unmarried and many times in places and manner that lead to the death of the mother. We can brainstorm for other ways apart from abstinence or consider the option of giving up the child for adoption to help women.
- To encourage others who have had abortions in the past, that if you have asked for forgiveness, you have been forgiven. You are not the only one who has walked that road and it is not an unforgivable Sin. The bad things that happened to you afterwards may not necessarily be as a result of the abortion, however, and if you think they are, it’s time to see what good may come out of the choice you made. Whatever you do don’t wallow in your guilt or mistake.
Let me say it clearly that I admire girls, Ladies, women especially those who though unmarried go ahead to have their babies, they are brave people and very courageous. It takes courage to carry about a pregnancy when everyone knows you are not married, to bear for life, most times alone the result of your indiscretion; to know the shame you have brought on yourself and your parents, to hear the mockery of others and to be forced to spend more years pursuing your dreams due to time taken away to have the baby and the diversion of funds for the baby’s well being.
Lastly, I am without any apologies a Christian but I am also pro – choice. Whilst I do not ever intend to have another abortion, I will I not advocate for wanton killing of children whether in or outside the womb. I understand why people do and will support anyone who does. It is a personal choice and I do believe that women should be given the opportunity to make their decisions by themselves based on their peculiar circumstances because in the long run they will be the ones to live with the consequences of their choices or actions whether they be in the negative or positive. At the same time I am conscious of the fact that having a baby takes two people and in the event that the father does want the baby, his desire is valid and must be considered.