I was listening to a sermon on emotional health recently and the preacher made the statement that although our greatest hurts will come as a result of the relationships we have with others, we will also heal in the context of our relationships. The statement resonated with me because of my experiences and the things I have observed in the lives of those who because of the betrayals, disappointments and hurts they have experienced in their relationships decide to do life alone.
I am acquainted with a middle-aged lady who has chosen to do life alone. Her husband was quite randy as a young man and slept with her maid, friends, relatives, etc. and because of his actions and that of the people he choose to sleep with, she cut off all her friendships. If she noticed you were getting close to her, she would immediately cut you off and so she doesn’t have a single close friend that she is still in touch with, no one from primary school to secondary to university, mosque and even professional colleagues. She has acquaintances who are normally people that she has an edge over either by reason of age or wealth and social standing, but no equal who knows her from her formative years, who has shared close experiences and intimate moments with her, no one who calls her by her first name and who knows her inside out.
As a result, she lives a semi-miserable life, semi-miserable in that she has no one to confide in, no one that she trusts, no one to throw banters with, she makes decisions and choices from her place of pain and based on her experiences and limited perspective. She hides her pain and cannot fully celebrate her joys because she doesn’t want anyone to know her fully. She is at times an object of ridicule by her few acquaintances who are aware of the many inadequacies that she unsuccessfully tries to hide.
For some people, they do life alone because they are private and sensitive about bothering others or being seen as a burden. For some others, it’s the fear of what people will say that bothers them or the shame of having to ask for help that makes them wary of trusting others with their issues.
A friend came sobbing to me some time back. His mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer and had hid the diagnosis from him and his siblings for five years until she became bedridden. They all lived abroad and she had declined to visit them even though they had the means to sponsor her trip. By the time they found out, it was too late and when they asked why she didn’t see it fit to inform them-her children, she said that she didn’t want to bother them or get them worried. My friend was so upset with her because he was of the opinion that had she spoken up immediately after she had been diagnosed, they may have insisted that she sought another opinion, accessed better health care, made her last years more memorable, etc. In anger, he said that she hid her nakedness from those who will still bury her and see whatever she was hiding.
For some others, they do life alone because they are filled with self-pity and shame unable to leave the past behind either because they are embittered or because their experiences overshadow everything in their lives. I know a woman in this category, she has been separated from her husband for over 12 years but pretends to outsiders that she is still married and because of the façade she paints to the public, can’t afford to allow anyone to come close to her so they will not know the truth of her situation and urges those in the know, not to spill the beans.
I am quite an open person and so I can’t really get why people decide to live life alone especially if they are surrounded with people who love them and are willing to make sacrifices for them. I can understand that fear can be so overwhelming especially with regard to ill health, that sometimes denial is a safer option especially when other people would force us to face the truth of what is happening within us.
I can understand not wanting people to see us in our most vulnerable state like a friend’s mother who tried to dissuade me from coming to visit her after her surgery because she didn’t want me to see her in a wheelchair.
I understand the shame that we may face when we have “ failed” in marriage or parenting even though the choice may have been made by our significant other or our children despite our best efforts and the resulting compulsion to hide from those who were in our circles when all was good.
I understand failure and the awkwardness that stems from the fact that we may find ourselves in a unique situation different from that of our friends and relatives that we may begin to ask ourselves why our path is so different, whether we are cursed and the reluctance to reveal what we may be going through because we abhor pity from others.
I understand that we cannot all be open and that our personalities and experiences in life may make it difficult for us to open up to others but I cannot understand why we will choose to hide things, especially from those who love us, whom we have no reason to mistrust, who will gladly leave all to run to our aid. I find it difficult to understand the psyche of those who would rather walk alone than ask for help. Is it that they think that people will laugh at them rather than help them or that they are not worthy of the attention that they will receive. Why will they rather die in silence than open up and maybe receive succor?
Why will they deny their loved ones and society at large the opportunity and privilege of helping them and learning from their experiences? Could there be an element of pride in them disguised as being self-reliant and humble?
Life is tough and people can be demons in disguise but the truth is that people are angels in disguise also. We all look up to God but God rarely comes down to help us. Instead, he puts people in our path, people who have the strength, compassion, courage, resources, and love to walk our path with us, and denying these people the opportunity to help us or do life with us affects them also. For example, had my friend’s mother died without my going to see her, I would have felt guilty for a long time and I am so glad that I followed my heart and disregarded her instructions to stay away for I was able to convey my love and concern for her well-being by my visit.
We all need a support system and if we don’t allow people to play their part in our lives, we will not live fully. There is a flavor that each person adds to and brings out of us that makes our life richer and fuller. Cutting off ourselves from our toxic relationships without replacing them with loving relationships does us more harm than good
As Fela sang, it is the water that the fish swims in, that boils it. Relationships symbolise that water. They will hurt and heal us.