I loved the pictures and videos of Sharon Ooja’s wedding. It took place a week after Davido and Chioma’s carnival-like wedding ceremony. To me, Sharon’s wedding was more intimate and beautiful. I was still savouring the traditional wedding pictures, when the news that Ugo Nwoke the groom had been married and divorced hit the public domain. The couple were yet to have the church wedding but people had began to give their opinion on the likelihood of the marriage succeeding, some even went as far as to say that the marriage was doomed because the groom had been married and divorced three times and his most recent divorce was finalised months before the wedding to Sharon.
I agree that marrying a divorcee whether or not he or she has been divorced once or thrice is a red flag but the question I was burning to ask all those who made their opinions known in such a cruel, taunting and offensive manner was – who asked you? Why did you think your opinion needed to be heard or stated? It would have been different if Sharon had brought her relationship to the public domain and asked for advice as to whether or not she should marry him, or if she had asked for information about his history or if she had indicated her uneasiness with his marital history and wasn’t sure they would be a good match. She did neither and she sure wasn’t surprised about her husband’s marital history so it begs the question why people were falling over themselves in a bid to inform us as to why the marriage was unlikely to last, forgetting that for some people (agreeable, very few in number) the third time’s a charm.
I have seen this behavior feature not only in serious situations like marriage or abuse where people think they have a public duty to prod nose into other people’s affairs. A good example is where a chef shares a cooking video online. Take a look at the comments and you can be sure to find people giving their authoritative opinions on the cooking method, the ingredients used, the manner of presentation, etc. forgetting that there is no one way to make a meal and that the same meal can be made in different ways in different localities.
In our hyper-connected world, everyone has an opinion about everything, and many are eager to share theirs, whether it’s welcome or not. This inclination to share one’s opinion can stem from a desire to help or educate, a need to feel important or even mock and denigrate, or simply the habit of vocalising our thoughts. I personally think that most of the people that offer unsolicited advice suffer from main character syndrome – the desire to make themselves important in other people’s stories, an over inflated sense of self-importance in the life of someone that doesn’t even know you exist.
We are the same in our personal relationships with people we do know. We tell mature single men and women what they should do to make themselves more attractive so they can marry, we tell couples without children what to do to conceive and those with children how to nurture and parent their offspring, we tell people what they should or should not do about their lives many times hiding behind concern. However, our well-intentioned behaviour sometimes crosses boundaries and becomes intrusive and it is important to know that whilst sharing one’s thoughts and advice may sometimes be beneficial, there is a significant value in knowing when to keep our unsolicited opinions to ourselves.
The truth is that unsolicited opinions are disrespectful and a lack of consideration of the ability of adults to make their own decisions and choices. They cause tension and strain relationships and I dare say are the main reason adult children distance themselves from their meddling relatives. Constantly receiving unsolicited advice can undermine a person’s confidence and make them doubt their decisions, leading to them feeling inadequate and having a decreased self-esteem. Lastly, it leads to unnecessary conflict and hostility, disrupting the harmony in personal and professional relationships.
By refraining from giving unsolicited opinions, we show respect for others’ autonomy and judgement especially as we don’t know the whole story behind what we see. It also helps us to focus on our own issues so we are not likened to the man who carries another’s burden on his head while dragging his own burden alongside. Focusing on our own lives and challenges allows us to grow and improve as it encourages self-reflection and self-improvement rather than projecting our issues onto others.
The benefits of minding one’s business includes the fostering of open communication because when we respect others’ boundaries and refrain from offering unsolicited advice, it creates a safe space for open and honest communication. People are more likely to seek our opinions and advice when they feel it comes from a place of respect and support. Letting go of the need to control or influence others’ decisions can reduce personal stress and anxiety. It allows us to focus on what we can control—our own actions and reactions.
That being said, I do agree that there are times when sharing our opinions is beneficial, but it should be done thoughtfully and considerately. Here are some guidelines to help determine when it’s appropriate:
- The most straightforward guideline is to wait until someone asks for your opinion. When people seek advice, they are more likely to be receptive and appreciative of your input.
- Before offering your opinion, consider the context and the relationship you have with the person. Close friends and family members may be more open to receiving advice, but even then, timing and delivery matter.
- Evaluate the Impact. Think about the potential impact of your opinion. Will it be helpful, or could it cause unnecessary stress or conflict? Sometimes, silence can be more supportive than speaking out.
- Be Empathetic. Approach the situation with empathy and understanding. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and consider how you would feel if the roles were reversed.
- Offer Support Instead of Criticism. If you do decide to share your opinion, frame it in a supportive and constructive manner. Focus on offering help rather than criticism, and be prepared to listen as much as you speak.
Minding one’s own business and keeping one’s unsolicited opinions to oneself is a practice that will foster respect, enhance relationships, and promote personal well-being. In a world where opinions are freely shared, choosing to remain silent and respect other people’s choices is difficult but doable. As we say in this clime “waka pass” especially if you don’t have any good thing to contribute and leave people to make their choices and suffer the consequences.