Everyone he met on hearing his name and affirming that he was his son, always told him how renowned and respected his father was. But they didn’t know that it was all a façade and that the man in the public eye was a narcissist and a controlling, vindictive and manipulative bully within the four walls of their home. They could not know that when his father died suddenly in a plane crash and was widely mourned all he felt was a sense of relief.
Her husband died suddenly. A heart attack whilst at work but no one knew that the last three years of her life had been hell. Her husband had taken to gambling and what seemed like a phase had metamorphosed into addiction. He had frittered away their savings, re-mortgaged their house and was owing large sums of money all due to his addiction. She had been harassed by loan sharks and recovery companies until they had nothing of value to sell. She couldn’t tell the wailers in her house that she was finally free from the shadow of dread she had lived with everyday for fear of exposure or public bankruptcy, or could she?
They were a very close couple, no secrets between them or so she thought, until he died. At the internment, just as she had completed the dust to dust rites she noticed the woman and her two children, the woman looked at her, nodded in greeting, reached out to grab the spade from the priest’s hand and poured dust on “their” husband’s coffin. Her tears turned into wails and the words of endearments into curses. Even till date 20 years after, she wonders how her husband could have hidden his second family away from her so successfully and says her memory of him is bittersweet and tainted by the evidence of his betrayal.
She was diagnosed with cancer of the brain, a most painful and debilitating cancer. They sold almost everything of value that they had and raised funds amongst family and strangers yet after three years of battling the illness, three years of pain and suffering, three years of uncertainty as to whether the drugs were working or not, she closed her eyes in death and all he felt was relief. Relief that it was all over, that the behaviour wrought by the cancer and the medication which had made her cruel, unstable and twisted her personality was over.
The people in the stories I have told and many others like them bear a unique burden when their loved ones die and it is burden of relief. It’s a common emotion that the majority carry after the death of a loved one but it’s a burden because it cannot be expressed because to do so will amount to them being labelled callous, mean, unfeeling, self-righteous and downright evil. People will label them murderers and claim that they caused the death of their loved ones by the evil thoughts they held towards them.
But the truth is that quite a number of people feel relieved when their partner or loved ones die. The dynamics of the relationship contribute largely to how those left behind feel and each person’s situation is unique but there are some common scenarios that might lead to such feelings:
- End of Suffering: If the person had been suffering from a long-term, debilitating illness, their death might bring a sense of relief that their pain and suffering have ended and that’s the situation with the man in the last narration. He felt relief both for his wife and himself. Most people never know the efforts that a caregiver makes in taking care of a sick loved one. They cannot comprehend in full the sacrifices the caregiver makes of their time, money and energy. They may acknowledge but never fully understand that the caregiver’s world becomes tiny and revolves around the sick person and that they can hardly do anything for themselves because they are preoccupied with the illness. Caring for a sick partner takes its toll more on a woman than a man because a woman is expected to drop everything to look after her husband while a man is allowed to send his money to work for him by employing caregivers. The death of the partner can bring a sense of relief from the intense demands and stress of caregiving.
- Abusive Relationship: In cases of physical, emotional or psychological abuse, the death of the abuser brings relief from fear, manipulation and harm. This is especially true where the abuse is hidden from others. In such situations death brings an escape from the abuse that may have not been possible for many reasons.
- Emotional Strain: Long-term relationships can sometimes become strained to the point where constant conflict, emotional neglect, or incompatibility creates a stressful environment. The death of a partner can end this ongoing tension.
- Financial Strain: In some cases, a partner’s medical expenses, addiction issues or irresponsible financial behaviour can cause significant financial strain. The death of the partner may bring financial relief and stability especially with the knowledge that the last bill or debt is the final one.
- Personal Freedom: Some individuals might feel trapped in their relationship due to various reasons like societal expectations, financial dependency, or personal guilt. The death of their partner can unexpectedly provide a sense of freedom and the possibility of a fresh start.
- Mental Illness: the continuous cycle of helplessness, loss of control, anxiety and episodes brings about fear and unhappiness and the death of the person brings a sense of stability in the lives of their loved ones.
- Lack of Mutual Love: In relationships where love and affection have faded over time, the death of a partner might bring a sense of release from the obligation to stay in a loveless partnership especially where the parties are very religious.
- Personal Growth: Some people may have put their own lives and aspirations on hold to support their partner. The partner’s death might bring an opportunity to refocus on their own goals and desires.
It’s important to note that these feelings of relief are often accompanied by other complex emotions like guilt, sadness and confusion because it is hard to explain to one’s self and other people that you are somewhat glad that the dead person is no longer around. It’s sad to stay in an environment where the dead person is being celebrated without wondering why your relationship with them was the way it is. It’s frustrating to keep the secrets of the person because you don’t want to spoil them in the eyes of others but you need to tell your story and unfortunately they have a part in it. It’s disheartening to have to scavenge through deceit in order to know what was real in the relationship.
To everyone who is going through the inner anguish of being relieved even though you grieve, please know that the feelings are natural but most importantly that you don’t have to feel any shame or guilt for having the feeling. The truth is that human beings can have several genuine emotions coexisting at the same time and one need not negate the other. The fact that you feel relieved doesn’t mean you wanted the person to die but that the situation whether it be sickness, an addiction, abuse or mental illness be over and that your lives resume some level of normalcy. You are not alone and the fact that people do not talk about it does not mean it is peculiar to only you.
Finally, this is an appeal to everyone to abstain from judgement when people speak their truth or grieve in a manner that you may not agree with. Do not condemn them as they are most probably privy to things you may not know and if they are not found to have had a hand in the death please let them be.
He who wears the shoes feels the pinch.