I followed a thread on Facebook some months back, where a popular figure talked about a woman with a thriving business, who had asked for her help and advice because her husband had asked her to close shop because he wasn’t comfortable with her interacting with customers who were mostly male because she had very noticeable hips and he didn’t want them ogling at them. Her advice was to have a negotiation with her husband which yielded the following result- the customer relation aspect of the business could be handled by someone else whilst the woman concentrated on areas which didn’t have many interactions with men. The post stated that both parties, the husband in particular, were thrilled with the advice given and that it settled what had the potential to destroy their marriage.
As to be expected, her post attracted the ire and support of both men and women depending on their different perspectives. Whilst a lot of women and men thought it was a wise advice to the woman in that her marriage was saved and her home kept, many saw it as an infringement of her right and freedom to work and association.
If there is one topic, that raises a lot of controversy in relationships, especially marriages, it is that of submission and it’s no wonder that it is a widely divisive subject given that it is defined by the New Oxford Dictionary as “an action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the Will or authority of another person and servile flattery and submission.”
Submission is a topic that both genders have a lot to say about, and I dare say that it is a topic that has contributed immensely to the rise of feminism worldwide. For most women the uttering of the word in itself, brings a bitter taste to the mouth and immediately paints a picture of a slave who has no choice but to follow the lead of the man no matter how detrimental that leadership is to her or their children. For most men, it symbolizes the true picture of what the relationship between a man and his wife should look like and is judged on.
But what really is submission especially within the concept of a relationship or marriage. Is it a concept acknowledged in our culture and religions? Does it mean slavery? Is it applicable to just women? Are there exceptions or circumstances where it is not justifiable?
We may think that the questions posed are mundane and are clear to anyone especially in today’s society, but it will amaze us as to the number of people of both sexes who hold a rigid interpretation of the word submission. We have all read or may even know people who have been killed by their spouses mainly because they were submitting to them in accordance with the dictates of societal expectations, their culture and religion. I belong to many relationship communities and notwithstanding the statistics that show an increasing number of people being physically and emotionally abused by their partners, a large number of people are confused about the concept of submission and tend to accept and justify abuse because of traditional and spiritual admonitions.
I am in a WhatsApp group consisting of individuals of both sexes who were members of the same religious fellowship in university. Having passed through the four walls of a university, I was dismayed to find out that some of the men in the group are of the firm belief that it is a woman’s place to submit to her husband especially in cases where she is not in agreement with him notwithstanding the consequences of his stance because of their belief that submission is biblically ordained and is not conditional. One member in particular, believes and rather strongly to, that a woman is not a man’s equal solely on the basis that she was made for and from him according to the Biblical narration of the creation of man and marriage.
In order to understand the concept of submission, we must acknowledge that our society is patriarchal and that women have had to fight and are still fighting for things that men have taken for granted. We must also acknowledge that submission as a concept is good especially when practiced in an atmosphere of love and mutual respect and that though good, it can be abused by people with evil intentions. It is also important to accept that it is a concept applicable to all genders notwithstanding their ages. Lastly, as with everything, we must acknowledge that there are situations where submission cannot be justified or advised eg where it involves physical and emotional abuse, or is sought in committing, assisting in committing or covering a crime.
I have found that for most women, their problem with the word submission stems from fear borne out of their personal experiences or that of other women. They have seen women become shadows of themselves physically, intellectually and emotionally because they have bought into the notion that they are bound to follow whatever the men in their lives tell them, no matter how it pans out and that they will be honored for their blind submission. Incidentally, it’s the same fear spelt as insecurity, that rules men who harp on submission all the time. They or other men have been henpecked by the women in their lives and made to feel less of a man, so they have that need to assert themselves leaving no room for opposition or dissension.
I must state clearly that I have no issue with the word submission. Infact!! I believe in it, in so far it is applicable to both parties, no gender being absolved from submitting to the other. I also believe that for submission to be genuine, it must not be demanded, manipulated nor is it unconditional.
To demand submission is to admit albeit unintentionally that one is really not in control as they are wont to believe or appear. To refuse to submit means that there is a lack of trust in the other person’s ability to have your best interests at heart. True submission is given willingly and never coerced, it flows from a place of safety, vulnerability and trust. If we act towards each other with mutual respect and selflessness, not wanting to control each other’s choices or lives we will find that we will readily submit one to another.
As for the advice given in the example above, my answer is -to each man his own. I must say though, that having heard and read about the control many people wield over their partners in the guise of adhering to biblical standards, I was indeed fortunate to have married a man who was secure in himself, and who trusted and loved me enough to allow me to do whatever I wanted without having to first ask for permission and didn’t feel intimidated about whatever I had or became. To most men that are submission propagandists, Mr Aisi was a weakling controlled by a strong woman but to those who were privileged to understand the dynamics of our relationship, our mutual gift of understanding each other’s need to be ourselves in our relationship was a bedrock of its strength.
Submission is birthed and strengthened in love.