Betrayal is a heart-wrenching experience that can shake our faith in relationships and ourselves, especially when it comes from those we hold dearest—be it a spouse, parent, child or close friend.
Trust is the foundation of relationships, and when broken, the emotional and psychological wounds can be deep and long-lasting and can shatter one’s sense of security and self-worth.
The recent video made by Instagram Blogger VDM (VeryDarkMan) has brought again to the fore, amongst other things, the issue of trust between friends, keeping confidences and knowing who to trust and not trust with one’s issues. From my understanding of what went down, the recording sent to VDM was a last resort by a friend/creditor to recover his/her loan. Apparently, a friend had loaned money to Bobrisky in his time of need and when asked for the money, he refused to pay back and threatened his creditor to do his or her worst. The worst was the uploading of the telephone recording between the friends leading to a public uproar and investigation.
There are various kinds of betrayals, but they all leave in their wake one common factor- hurt, pain and devastation. In marriage or romantic relationships, the promise of loyalty and companionship makes any form of deception particularly devastating and betrayal often manifests in infidelity, financial dishonesty or emotional abandonment. Infidelity strikes at the core of intimacy, while financial betrayal erodes the trust necessary for partnership and security, emotional neglect leaves a spouse feeling unseen, unheard and unloved.
Betrayal in the parent-child relationship occurs in many ways—neglect, emotional manipulation or abuse. Parents are expected to provide love, support, protection and guidance to their children, and when they fail in these roles, they leave lasting scars on a child’s psyche, which travels with them all through their lifetime and makes them unable to fully trust anyone, even their spouses. On the other hand, children can also betray their parents through deceit, rejection of them or their faith, morals, values and lifestyles, or abandonment, especially in adulthood. This can leave parents feeling pained, unappreciated and emotionally drained. Although all betrayals hurt, I have often thought that the pain of a child’s betrayal hurts much more than that of a spouse or a friend because we see our children as an extension of us, so their betraying us seems like we are turning against ourselves (like the immune system sometimes does) whilst the others do not have our DNA in them and are not “extensions” of us.
Betrayal by friends can also be as painful as betrayal in a family or romantic relationship because our friends are our chosen companions whom we trust with our secrets, joys and vulnerabilities. When a friend betrays us by gossiping, breaking confidences or acting with malice, the emotional impact is devastating because they know where the skeletons are buried and people tend to believe whatever they say about us.
The truth is that we will all be betrayed sometimes deliberately and sometimes unintentionally by the people we love and cherish. Also true, as hard as it may be to understand is the fact that many times the act of betrayal has nothing to do with us and is all about the other person, their insecurities, lack of maturity, envy, jealousy and sometimes, especially in the relationship with our children, the discovery of themselves and what they want in life.
In the wake of betrayals, many of us have felt the desire to isolate from others and many of us have been so embittered by our experiences that we have sworn never to trust, never to allow ourselves to be that vulnerable ever again, never to commit to someone else in the ways we had hitherto done. If the truth be told, the pain of betrayal derives not necessarily from the act itself but the hands which bore the knife that thrust through our turned backs. The hands of a friend, sibling, parent, child, spouse, etc.
Though there is no doubt in my mind that at one time or the other in our lives someone will betray us whether at home or at work, there are ways we can safeguard ourselves against betrayal.
- Knowing what to, and what not to disclose and who not to trust with our secrets. The truth is that not everyone needs to know our business because not everyone has our best interests at heart. Test people before you tell them things you want to keep a secret. Also live in such a way that whatever skeletons you have, they are bones you can live with if they come out in the open.
- Establish healthy boundaries. Whether in marriage, with parents, or in friendships, it is essential to establish what behaviours are non-negotiable for you, such as honesty, respect and loyalty. Boundaries help define acceptable behaviour, set expectations, and communicate our limits.
- Cultivate Emotional Resilience- cultivating emotional resilience can soften the blow of betrayals as it allows us to cope with hurt without internalising them. Practices like mindfulness, self-compassion and therapy can help build this resilience. Knowing how to manage our emotions also makes it easier to process betrayal and move on in a healthy way.
- Trust, but Be Cautious- Trust is vital in relationships, but blind trust is dangerous. It is important to be aware of red flags, even in the most trusted relationships. Look for consistent honesty, transparency and reliability from others and if someone shows a pattern of deceptive behaviour, it is worth reevaluating how much you share with or rely on them. Also know that people are human and that even the best of us have our weak moments.
- Maintain Independence – While deep relationships involve interdependence, having a sense of independence is crucial. Whether it is financial independence in marriage, emotional independence in friendships or autonomy in parent-child relationships, being able to stand on your own gives you strength in the face of betrayal. It also ensures that your sense of self-worth does not become too tied to another person’s actions or validation.
If you have applied the tips for safeguarding your heart and you are betrayed as you would be, then know that you are not alone in your pain, everyone on this earth will face a betrayal of some kind.
Betrayals often lead to a sense of disbelief or even self-blame and recognizing and validating your feelings of hurt, anger or disappointment is the first step toward healing. After the initial shock, take time to assess the relationship and the betrayal’s context. Was the betrayal a one-time lapse in judgement or part of a deeper pattern of disrespect or manipulation? This evaluation will help you decide if the relationship is worth salvaging.
If you are considering mending the relationship, open communication is key. Let the person know how their actions have affected you, be honest about the depth of your hurt and listen to their explanation (if they offer one). For marriage and parent-child relationships, consider seeking professional counselling or mediation. If the relationship is to continue (there is always the possibility that it may not and do not be afraid to consider that option), the betrayer must take responsibility for their actions and work to rebuild trust. This includes making amends, changing behaviour, and committing to transparency because without accountability, forgiveness and healing are unlikely to happen.
Betrayal can take a toll on your mental and physical health. During this time, it is crucial to prioritise self-care. Whether through therapy, journaling, exercise, travelling or spending time with supportive friends, ensure that you are nurturing yourself and processing your emotions in a “healthy” manner for many of us process our emotions in many unhealthy ways, laying the blame for our unhealthy decisions on the fact of the betrayal.
Forgive yourself and when you are able to, the betrayer. Some betrayals are too severe to overcome, and ending the relationship may be the best course of action. If you choose to forgive, do so on your terms. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it require reconciliation. It is primarily about freeing yourself from the emotional burden of holding onto anger.
Finally, know that no matter how much we have resolved never to put ourselves in a position to be betrayed, we cannot totally experience fullness in life if we do not trust, to some extent, the people in our lives. It is my sincere belief that we have not loved until we give our all and that when we do get hurt as we shall because people are imperfect, we will be glad that we were able to give ourselves to someone unrestrained and love without restrictions for in that moment no matter how fleeting, we will have experienced the joys of loving and living, and not everyone has ever been that fortunate to have really lived.
“For it is not an enemy who reproaches me; Then I could bear it. Nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me; Then I could hide from him. But it was you, a man my equal, My companion and my acquaintance. We took sweet counsel together and walked to the house of God in the throng.” Psalms 55:12-14 NKJV