The power of being real by embracing vulnerability & guarding your heart

Have you ever met someone and breathed a huge sigh of relief for finally finding a safe place—someone with whom you could be yourself, with no need for filters? Someone who asks you to come just as you are, stripped of all the swag, ego and power we humans often wear to impress others?

Have you ever wished for someone to truly love you—warts and all—through both your good and bad times? Someone you could be quarrelling with and who, at the same time, would still have your back, look out for you, and never use your secrets against you?

There’s a beauty in being known—truly known—not for who people think you are or expect you to be, but for who you really are when the lights are off and the masks are down. That kind of authenticity is rare and sacred. And to be honest, in a world where pretense is performance and everyone is curating a life on social media, it takes courage to show up as your full, flawed, fabulous self.

I was fortunate to marry someone who saw, wanted, and embraced me in spite of my fears, quirks, and wounds. So I know what it means to have a safe place with a partner. I’ve also tasted the pain of giving my vulnerability to someone who abused it. My experiences have proven to me that authenticity and vulnerability in relationships are powerful, but they must be balanced with discernment and emotional wisdom.

To be authentic means to be real—no performance, no perfection, no filters. And vulnerability? That’s the act of laying down your shield and saying, “This is me. These are my weaknesses and strengths. I may be soft in this area. I may not have it all together. But I trust you enough to share it.” Many people think being vulnerable with their partners is a sign of weakness, but let’s be clear—vulnerability is not weakness. It’s strength under control. It’s not about spilling your guts to anyone with a listening ear; it’s about choosing carefully who you let into the sacred spaces of your heart.

Many of us—women and men alike—struggle with vulnerability for different reasons. For some women, especially those of us who have worn the “strong woman” badge for survival, softness can feel foreign. We’ve relied solely on God and ourselves for so long. For others who’ve suffered betrayal and heartbreak, vulnerability can seem like foolishness, especially when it comes from a man. For the menfolk, vulnerability is often discouraged. From childhood, a man is told to “man up,” “not show weakness,” and “be in control.” Those messages don’t leave much room for tenderness, fear, openness, or honesty. And for many men, the fear of being used or abused is a major reason they choose not to open up.

But what kind of relationships can thrive when people hide from each other? I am of the firm persuasion that in love there should be no holdback, we cannot truly love or be loved if we have not taken the risk of being authentic and vulnerable with our partners. Love, friendship and even deep connections in family all require some measure of vulnerability and if we truly  want real relationships—not performance-based ones—we must learn to peel off the layers,  open up and let people into the inner recesses of our hearts and lives. We must let go of the belief that all men and women are the same and only want one thing- power, money or sex. We must take the risk of being ourselves and showing ourselves and yes it is a risk but a most fulfilling one with the right person. 

So how do you know when it’s safe to be vulnerable? In my opinion, the foremost thing to look out for is acceptance. The willingness of a person to accept one without demanding a change or alteration in major or minor areas, is key in knowing who to trust with our hearts.

In addition, some key areas women may want to consider are as follows:

1. Consistent behavior over time – Don’t just listen to his words; watch his patterns. Is he the same person when no one is watching? That tells you something about his capacity for safety.
2. How he handles your “no” – A man who respects your boundaries, your pauses, your pace, is a man you can slowly begin to trust with your truth.
3. His response to his own vulnerability – If he can’t sit with his own pain or share his own story, he may not be ready for yours.

Likewise men may want to consider the following in the women they are involved with:

1. Emotional maturity – Can she sit in discomfort without fleeing or blaming? Emotional regulation is essential when someone is trusting you with their truth.
2. Does she honor your story? – A woman who listens without judgment, without trying to fix you or make it about her, is someone worth being open with.
3. How she responds to power – Vulnerability requires balance. If she feels the need to control everything, she may not know how to hold space for you.
4. Is she able to refrain from using your revealed fears and secrets against you in times of conflict or exposing them to outsiders?

I will be honest with you—there will be mismatches. You may open up and someone mishandles it. Painful!!  yes, but it doesn’t mean you were wrong for trying. It means you were brave. But it also means you need strategies to guard your heart without shutting it down.

Here are a few tips:

1. Start slow – Vulnerability is not an all-or-nothing game. Start small and build. See how they handle the little things before giving them access to the deeper wounds.
2. Have inner anchors – Know your worth apart from any relationship. Let your self-worth be rooted in something bigger than people’s responses—your faith, your values, your identity.
3. Stay connected to your intuition – You often know when something feels off. Don’t silence your inner voice in the name of “being open.” Listen to it.
4. Set emotional boundaries – You can be open and still have limits. You don’t owe everyone your story. Vulnerability is a gift, not an obligation.
5. Create a circle of emotional accountability – Talk to someone who knows you—a therapist, a mentor, a trusted friend—especially when you’re opening up to someone new. Get an outside perspective to help you stay grounded.
6. Watch for mutuality – Vulnerability should not be one-sided. If you’re always the one opening up while the other stays closed, the emotional labor becomes lopsided. Healthy relationships are reciprocal.

The truth is that all of us  both male and female, yearn for a safe place, intimacy and raw, real, meaningful connection at the heart level. We were not created to live behind emotional barricades nor are we to live as who we think others want us to be.  

So, to the woman who’s tired of being strong all the time, I see you. Your softness is not a liability. It’s part of your power. To the man who’s tired of carrying the weight of silence, know this: vulnerability doesn’t make you less of a man—it makes you more human.

Being authentic and vulnerable in our relationships is a risk and the irony is that therein lies both the work and the reward. As we learn to open up to others, let’s remember to carry both grace and guardrails—being open, but also wise, because not every relationship deserves our softness and not everyone deserves access and when the right people come along, let’s not be afraid to let them in.

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