I read a number of posts on Facebook about the latest Honest Bunch podcast offering titled “The science of relationships,” and I was so intrigued by the comments that I decided to listen to the podcast myself. I saw the clips that generated the discussions, but I wanted to watch the entire conversation. So, off to YouTube I went and spent 2 hours 49 minutes listening to the discussion, which touched on various topics and viewpoints about relationships. It was a very interesting and informative show that shed light on the different unorthodox reasons why people enter relationships, reasons we do not often discuss. I liked the candor with which “Girl Talker” the advocate of “the other woman/side chick” shared her perspective and I must say, that although I do not agree with a lot of her reasoning and know even as she did admit that she was speaking from a place of pain, she did speak some facts. I loved Ebuka questions and reasoning which called for deep thinking and liked that he spoke to the core of what relationships are and should be. I read some of the comments and came to the conclusion that no matter how weird the reasoning behind some of the thoughts expressed by the discussants were, a lot of people thought the same way.
The overall feeling I got was that most relationships today are transactional (do this for me and I will do this for you) and that most of the transactions were primarily based on money exchanging hands for sexual favors. That women expect that men must spend money on them early in the relationship and think a man is not worth being with if he doesn’t spend money on his woman, especially when he has the ability to do so, that men delude themselves into thinking they have a hold on the relationships that they keep on the outside but really it’s the women who control both them and the relationships and that there is a high degree of selfishness and callousness in our young people who think mostly about themselves and what they will get from any relationship not minding the lives that may be destroyed on account of their goals being met.
Why do people go into relationships of any kind? Why do girls date married men? Why do married people have affairs? Can a person love two people intimately at the same time? Is love essential in marriage? Do loveless marriages last? Do affairs make a marriage better from the man’s point of view? What is a red flag or deal breaker? And is there “The red flag” or is it subjective? These were some of the issues thrown up during the discussions and I must say that the answers to some of them were quite revealing.
My answers to the questions are as follows:
- People go into relationships basically because of what they want and what the person does to them either because of the way the person makes them feel or the things the person brings to the table. The initial commitment to relationships is because of what we get from it and that’s why loveless or arranged relationships can work so far the need for the relationship is being met. However, the truth be said that although all relationships are transactional in nature, for those relationships that thrive, the core cannot be transactional and parties must compromise what they want or need for the best interests of the other party.
- Single ladies date married men primarily for money because a married man can afford to maintain a certain lifestyle for the single lady but listening to Girl Talker I realized that some ladies date married men as a shield to protect their emotions especially if they’ve been hurt. They go into the relationship with the knowledge that the man cannot belong to them so they are able to compartmentalize their emotions, safeguard their heart and ensure that they are not hurt emotionally.
- No matter how hard the women on that podcast tried to explain that a person can love two people intimately at the same time (even using God as an example), it was interesting to note that they interchanged love with intense temporary feelings and equated it with satisfying a need. Whilst we can love people differently for different reasons at the same time e.g. a woman can love her child, mother, husband, friend at the same time because the love she has for each is different, the truth is that one cannot love two people the same way at the same time. Love by its very nature cannot be shared.
- Can loveless marriages thrive? The truth is that historically both in this clime and elsewhere, marriage was not about love. It was about alliances, advantages, procreation, power, usefulness of partners, etc. Love came into the picture much later and has ruled the roost but from the beginning it was not so. Marriages need more than love to thrive, things like understanding, commitment, mutual respect, kindness, etc. and that’s why we see a lot of arranged marriages doing well because it is based on commitment and not only love. In the light of this history, could it be said that people are moving back into marriages of convenience? Your guess is as good as mine.
- Do side chicks/affairs actually save marriages? My answer is Yes and No. Please hear me out. As Girl Talker explained, the intensity of an affair relaxes a person so much that they are more tolerant of their spouses shortcomings. Men getting sex outside wouldn’t mind if their wives don’t sleep with them and women getting sex outside might even desire it more with their husbands. I dare say though that the peace affairs seemingly bring lasts only for the short term until one party begins to want what they have temporarily on a more permanent basis. Infidelity often leads to trust issues, emotional pain and conflict, which will damage the relationship and although having an affair could bring excitement or address unmet needs, the potential harm to the primary relationship usually outweighs these perceived benefits.
It is undeniable that the occurrence of infidelity for some couples awakens their desire to keep the marriage and causes them to work through the betrayal and come out stronger. This outcome often depends on various factors, including the individuals involved, the reasons for the affair, and how both partners handle the aftermath.
- Why do divorcees end up dating married men even though they left their marriages because of infidelity on the part of their husbands? The phenomenon of divorcees dating married men, despite leaving their own marriages due to infidelity, can be complex and influenced by various psychological, emotional and social factors including:
Emotional Vulnerability: After a divorce, the woman feels lonely or vulnerable, making her more susceptible to relationships that provide immediate emotional or physical comfort, even if those relationships are not ideal or sustainable.
Financial needs: the honest truth is that the woman is used to a certain lifestyle as a married woman and most single guys cannot give her that lifestyle so she turns to married men who already know what it is to maintain a woman to fill that need.
Unresolved Issues: Divorcees might still be dealing with unresolved issues from their previous marriage, including feelings of inadequacy or low self-esteem. Dating a married man who could have a single lady over them might temporarily boost their confidence or sense of desirability.
Patterns of Behavior: Sometimes, individuals unconsciously repeat patterns from their past. If infidelity was a significant issue in their previous marriage, they might find themselves drawn to similar situations, possibly as a way to fulfil some sense of vengeance against other women. It is said that until you walk in someone’s shoes, you never understand their motives and reasons.
Thrill of the Forbidden: The excitement and challenge of being with someone who is off-limits can be enticing for some. This can create a sense of adventure or novelty that might be appealing after a divorce.
Perceived Safety: Dating a married man might feel safer to some divorcees because it is less likely to lead to a long-term commitment. This can be appealing if they are not ready for another serious relationship.
Emotional Connection: In some cases, there may be a genuine emotional connection with the married man that developed organically, despite the complications it brings. This is especially true with an ex boyfriend.
I finished the podcast with mixed emotions. The truth is that many young people, especially women, have been hurt and are speaking their “truths” from a place of emotional dysfunction. A number of relationships are founded on selfishness coated with the veneer of self-interest, which the motivational speakers and coaches have sold as being essential to our wellbeing. Make no mistake, self comes first but not every time and not necessarily at the expense of every other person.
Many of our young people are not discerning or willing to reason and take everything they hear as truth because someone who looks like who they want to become says it forcefully and loudly. We need many more wholesome voices out in the public arena speaking and living the truth and we need them urgently.