My cousin Tina is the 5 to my 6. The ying to my yang. When she cuts herself, I bleed. That’s how close we are.
Now, Tina has a gift. People just come up to her and start divulging their deepest, darkest secrets. Even total strangers. She collects them like people collect shoes or bags or stamps.
One Saturday I went to visit and Oga Dele, one of her neighbours, walked in not quite 10 minutes after.
Oga Dele: Madam de Madam! How far na?
Tina: Oga Dele! I dey fine.
Oga Dele: Madam, abeg una get cold water? I know say light no dey since but……
(Tina goes inside and comes back with some ice and a bottle of eva water)
Oga Dele: Madam u too much o! Aah! Dis water sweet. Oya, make I come dey
go, I don late. She go don dey vex well well now.
Tina: Who? Christy?
Oga Dele: Yes na. And you know say if Christy vex, I go sick.
Tina: Oga Dele….. How small pikin like Christy come take hold you for work lai dis? Everytin Christy. Christy.
Oga Dele: Oooh madam….. U no go understand. Wetin dat girl dey do me ehn…No woman don do me lai dat before for my life! If Christy say make I comot one eye give am, I go kuku comot the 2nd eye join give am, incase she need extra!
Tina: Oga Dele! Wetin dis girl dey do you sef?
Oga Dele: Heuw! Madam… you know say if me and Christy do finish, she go carry towel clean sweat for all my body as I lie down then she go come tell me say “Tans sir. Dis one wey u do me today, e pass all di one wey u don dey do me since. E sweet me well well no be small o. Ooh hooonnneeey, Tans sir.”
I immediately began to have a seizure! The Heineken I was drinking was coming out of my nose, my ears, everywhere. I started coughing. Tina jumped up and started patting my back.
Oga Dele: Haa! Devil is a liar o! Fine Mulatto! What’s ‘apun?! Tina: Oga Dele come dey go. No worry. Na the suya pepper climb mulatto for head. No problem. She go dey ok.
Oga Dele: Ok o. I go come sheck u for hevening if I come back. Sorry o.
Tina: (After shutting the door behind Oga Dele) Olmasina!!! Wetin dey worry you sef? Person no dey talk for your presence?! You want make people come dey run from me now abi? Nobody go come dey nack me better tori again for this jungle wey I dey so, atink? Take time o! If na so, make you no come my place again!
We do this everytime one of her “patients” comes round and drops a bombshell like Oga Dele just did. It NEVER gets old. Hehehehe
The things you hear in this center of excellence, ehn!
Truly, THIS IS LAGOS!
Omo, the things I have heard in this Lagos – Olmasina Writer
