Understanding the strong woman — Tara Aisida
I find that people regard me as a strong woman. I don’t know why they do (I guess it’s my ability to stay in control of myself and the situations that I am in, take them in my stride and seemingly not allow them to control my attitude or get the better of me) and I find it very revealing because I don’t ever consider myself strong and don’t want to be strong either at least, not in the way people make me out to be because strength comes with a lot of responsibilities and assumptions. People expect you to take on more than you can bear, do more than you desire or want to and be more than you want to be to them.
I don’t want to be strong because being strong is not attractive to men. Well, I think so sha. I think men want women that need them, want them and can’t do without them even if they can. I think men want women that are helpless in a way that makes them want to be her knight in shining armor, at least they want her like that at first when they are dating her but later when they marry her they want her to be strong enough to take care of things if they have to leave the scene. Unfortunately, I can’t feign the weak helpless female act.
I am a strong woman and so they tell me. But what do they mean about me being strong? Is it my ability to hide pain, rejection, loss, fears and anxiety under my makeup or well-groomed clothes as someone recently said that she didn’t think I needed help or support after my husband died because I always dressed well and looked good. Is it my dislike to ask for help not because I am too proud but because I don’t want to bother anyone because I know that everyone else is carrying a burden. Is it my ability to look at myself in the mirror as I cry and tell myself what are you crying for? It’s not that bad and start to laugh at the tears even as they streak down my cheeks. Is it my inclination when things happen to immediately look for solutions rather than throw myself on the ground and cry. Is it the ability to compartmentalize my life in a way that even though I may be hurting in one area, I am able to still find joy in other areas?
What makes me strong? Could it be the realization early in life that no one owed me anything and that really, I was all that I have and had? Could it be past experiences of being betrayed, loss and grief? Is it being misunderstood when I attempt to be vulnerable? Is it my personality and the fact that even though I am a very sociable person I can see my life without people in it and not think that life is not worth living because they are not in it?
The strong woman is often seen as a cross between a male and a female. Someone who looks like a woman but has the characteristics of a man. Someone who is fiercely independent, opinionated and fearless and it is true she is all that and more but most times that strength is a cover that enables her to go into the world and get back home. It’s a cover that hides her anxieties and fears, some so mundane that people will be willing to come to punches in their belief that a woman so strong as she, cannot possibly be afraid of things like rats, spiders, plane flights, change of environment, blood etc.
Strong woman!!! an appellation that burdens and mostly brings respect but isolates the woman.
Strong woman!!! A title but it endorses and perpetuates the woman’s burdens as she increasingly becomes lost in the clothes she has grudgingly put on because that’s who she has become.
Strong woman!!! She takes care of everyone but herself, torn and divided by family members, friends, relatives’ and society until she breaks down and even then, she is blamed for not having looked after herself but how could she after looking out for others?
Strong woman!!! Because of years of taking up roles that have been thrust on her, she now gives from a place of resentment and bitterness, but she bottles it all up because she can take it and is strong.
Anyone can be strong, it’s not only a woman thing and often when we talk about strength it’s mostly about not showing emotions, withstanding difficult times and that’s true but strength is also about not being bitter even when you have cause to be, holding on to morals, values and character when all around you people are compromising. It is accepting that you can be both strong and weak without it defining you.
If all we see especially in that strong woman is her strength, we in a way dehumanize her because we think she is perfect and doesn’t need or want, help, love, comfort or support. A woman can be both strong and weak. A woman should be both strong and weak. A woman is both strong and weak and she should be encouraged to be both.
I am a strong woman, but I am also weak, and I have come to identify with both parts of me. Please don’t make my totality what it isn’t.
To all the “strong” women out there, embrace your weaknesses and don’t be ashamed of them, celebrate your strengths but don’t allow them to cripple you emotionally and lastly never be ashamed of who you are or are not.
Welcome to March. The month of the woman- strong, weak and everything between.