It’s no secret that I am fascinated with the male gender. I find men of all ages mysterious and I always wonder how their mind works. Whenever I find myself amongst my male friends, I always ask questions and these are some of the answers I got when I asked them what exactly they wanted in their relationships with their significant other and why some of them had outside interests even though they had “stable” marriages.
- Peace- this was unanimously agreed to come even before the famous respect. They all said they wanted to come home to a house having an atmosphere that was devoid of rancour and strife and one of them gave an illustration I can identify with. He said when he comes home, he wants to de- stress from all that has happened to him outside the house. He doesn’t want to open the door to an immediate barrage of questions, talk, explanations and arguments. He would prefer that he is given some time to himself to relax before being bothered about the going-ons at home or even in his partner’s life so far it is not an emergency ,the lack of whatever or the need to repair something. After distressing in the quiet of his room, study or even in the parlour by watching sport or listening to music, he is ready to face the issues at home. They all said that if a man begins to associate his home with pain rather than pleasure, he will find excuses to come home later and later and may not come home at all preferring to sleep not necessarily in another woman’s arms but at the office or even a short let which he may jointly rent with other men like him. Tip- read your man well, give him time to acclimatise when he gets home, know when to talk to him about your concerns and day and reduce or stop nagging.
A man settles where he finds peace. Not beauty, not money, not status but peace- Denzel Washington
- Appreciation- many men feel deeply unappreciated by their spouses and it hurts them badly. They accept that some things are their burden to bear, things like rent, school fees etc but they would like to be appreciated for doing what is their “responsibility” . A friend summed it up this way- he woke up one morning, cleaned the house, took about the rubbish, washed plates and the cars at home and the first thing his wife noticed when she came downstairs was the fact that he left his shoes in the living room. All the things he had done paled compared to the minor infraction of bringing his shoes into the living room and not arranging it at the door. Tip- When a man wants you to say thank you when he pays the rent etc , he is not belittling your efforts or contributions in the house especially financially, he just wants an acknowledgement of his efforts. Thank him for everything and get the children to thank him too.
- Respect- The big word featured in the conversation, but the truth is that respect is subjective and what means disrespect to one man is not an issue to another. Respect to Mr Aisi was treating him special from everyone in the house by serving him with different crockery, to another man it means cooking his food, another -not shouting at him when talking. I think they are basically things that do not trigger the feeling of being controlled in men. Tip- Ask your man how he wants to be respected, don’t just assume what works for your father or most men will work for him.
- Sex- the availability of it, the not having to beg for it, it not being transactional, the spontaneity, the show of desire for them and the fact that you feel pleasure when they are making love to you. For most men, especially my age,sex is determined by the way they feel with their partners and that’s why they may experience erectile dysfunction at home and get it up outside. In fact someone said that most women at home don’t know how to coax an erection from their men. A number of them complained about the lack of intimacy during sex, the fact that for most women it’s a chore to tick off the list of being a good wife so their husbands don’t look outside was a big turn off. Psst- I learnt sleeping naked or without undies means you are ready for them ( I don’t think so sha but what do I know) Tip- initiate sex , make yourself available and try to enjoy it when it happens.
- Security- men want security as much as women want, if not more. They just define it as being safe enough to be vulnerable. They need to know they can trust their women with their hearts and secrets and be vulnerable without being taken advantage of. Men have their fears, worries and secrets that they hide deep within them and can’t share because they can’t afford the price of betrayal but they need to know that their women cannot only handle the knowledge but will not expose them either. Tip-allay his fears and show him you are in his corner.
- Understanding- men want to be understood not from the lenses of what their actions mean to women but from what it means to them. A good example is having sex with other women. Apparently sex with other women means nothing to most men, it is at best a physical function of the body that needs satisfaction and depending on how it makes them feel, they can sleep with a woman without an ounce of feeling for her. My wish is that men would also admit that women too can view sex as transactional and that they may sleep with someone for reasons other than love. After all, why do most young women date older men….Tip- Men are different and general beliefs do not necessarily apply to them all. Know your man.
- Finances- for most responsible men, school fees and rent is the least of their financial worries. Being a man means so much more than being able to take care of one’s immediate family, it also means being able to take care of the extended family and carry out social responsibilities within the society . Most times it’s how to manage those societal expectations that causes them to grey quickly. Tip- they carry many burdens and sometimes we do not understand the need to carry these burdens but if they can afford it let them do so.
- They want to be needed- They need women that will look up to them and not see them finish, women that need them or pretend to need them. It makes them feel like the white knight who saves the damsel in distress in fairy tales and I guess that’s why they fall for the “dumb blondes” because they are not only beautiful but seemingly helpless. I remember Mr Aisi looking at me one day and saying Tara you don’t need me in your life and I of course knowing what he meant and that he was right murmured “of cos I do” This is the curse of the strong woman because sometimes she becomes strong because the man leaves her with no other alternative but her strength repels him because he doesn’t fit into her life. Tip- be forming weak and helpless babe from time to time.
- Vulnerability- men are very vulnerable and easily distracted by women especially those who have an agenda in mind. Oftentimes, they get into situations they didn’t plan for because they were distracted or side blinded. The truth is that women are more calculating than men and if they put their mind to it will get any man they want to if they are patient enough. Tip – listen to him , not only to what he is saying but what he doesn’t say and allow him the space to share his heart with you when he is ready without rushing him.
- Space- men need to be themselves without feeling a leash on their necks so let him have other interests that don’t concern you. Both your lives don’t have to revolve around each other to be perfect. Tip- let him have his boys hangout, holidays by himself, etc.
Finally, I learnt that most men go after women especially younger women mainly because they are plentiful, available and they can now finally afford to have any woman they want. Apparently , many men were emotionally hurt by the women they approached or dated when young who spurned their love because they had nothing much to offer them apart from their dreams which apparently couldn’t pay the bills and so, many of them ended up marrying women they don’t really love because those they loved, couldn’t see a future with them. They dance around younger girls because they can now afford to do so and because they make them feel younger and better about themselves and excite them in ways their partners aren’t able or willing to, even though they are aware that these girls are there just for their money and what it can buy them.
I heard my guys loud and clear and although I have a few reservations about their opinions I cannot deny their feelings and why they feel the way they do. I must say though that I saw things in a new light but the most important thing I learnt is that both genders want the same things – love, devotion, respect, attention and fidelity.