They count on us victim blaming, they count on us not believing the victim. , shaming the victim and stigmatising them. They count on us repeating rape myths. “Why did she dress like that and expect not to get raped?”…they forget women in hijabs are raped.
They count on silly quips like, “Why would a responsible woman drink outside and get drunk…she asked for it…, ” they forget even sober women get raped.
They parrot ,” She didn’t fight back and so, it couldn’t have been rape.”
Hey, let me school you just a wee bit on what this is called, trauma.
Women, ok, let’s just say, people, respond differently to trauma. Some people are just paralyzed by what they have experienced and they shut down.
Some are hyper because they are pretending what they experienced did not happen. Some cooperate with the perpetrator because they feared being seriously harmed so they let the incident happen, that’s why they didn’t fight back.
And I can go on and on the point here is, people respond differently to trauma.
And when a woman says she has been raped, I believe her.
I believe the woman in the ARM rape story that trended two weeks ago.
For those wondering what this is about, here is a short recap. A female employee of ARM Pension Managers (PFA) Limited, Ms Ogochukwu Udogwu, was allegedly raped by an Executive Director of the company, Abisola Onigbogi, after an official social function of the firm. Ms Udogwu alleged that the director drove her to a hotel after a social function hosted by the firm and had sexual intercourse with her without her consent. She said Mr. Abisola Onigbogi had spiked her drink before the “penetrative sexual intercourse” with her at Limeridge Hotel located at Chevron Drive, Lagos.
She said after she woke up and noticed her private parts were sore and bruised and her clothes in a pile, she wondered how she got to the hotel in the first place. She checked the hotel’s CCTV and pieced together what had happened to her.
I think she is one brave woman, who should be applauded, I cannot imagine what she is going through right now but I have a few ideas: shock and confusion, denial, blaming herself, angry at her friends and colleagues, trusting no one, not eating, not sleeping, crying, suicidal, hating herself, wishing she could turn back the hand of the clock.
But I applaud her.
She practically did the job of the police in all the evidence she gathered against the perpetrator; submitting to swabs and clothes for forensics. She even went back to the hotel to check the CCTV and ascertain that in fact by the time she was brought there, she was not in control of her faculties.
The woman is brave!
She knew she would not be believed. She foresaw our unkindness and harsh criticisms, she knew she could count on our hate rather than our empathy;
So she did the job for the police because she knew the kind of misconception that plagues us as a society..I will be blamed for this.
My friends and family will shame me.
And she was so right.
Despite all she’s gone through…I heard very unkind words, mostly from women, who should know better.
Today, perhaps the unkind words have gotten to her, perhaps not, regardless, she is currently suffering the shock from the incident. The reality of her situation has kicked in and she is suffering post traumatic stress disorder. I read she is said to have locked herself up and refused to communicate with anyone for some days now. It’s only the beginning.
If you have ever supported survivors of sexual violence, you will know the struggle for survival is real.
Thankfully, the Lagos State government under the commissioner of Women Affairs and Poverty Alleviation, Mrs. Cecilia Dada, is seeking ways to support her with therapy.
I heard someone say, but what of the man? Shouldn’t we hear his version?
By all means.
I suspect if the police do their due diligence, we may soon hear that he’s done this before. As I am still struggling with what possessed him to do this?
When did he begin to think of raping the woman? When he spiked her drink? Or did he get someone to do that?
But this is still an allegation, so, yeah, I submit that he doesnt look like a degenerate, as we know, only degenrates rape women.
I hear plenty of sympathy for him. Why do we sympathise with the man?
He looks accomplished.
He looks like the type who could have any woman at his beck and call,
He looks like the father of daughters…a loving father of daughters and a doting husband of one woman.
And yet, he has been named as the perpetrator. I honestly hope the police get to the bottom of these allegations.
Allegations or not, my sympathy remains with this brave woman, who is already being condemned by her gender. She will have lots to contend with in the future if she lives long and doesn’t self-harm.
Sleepless nights, nightmares, flashbacks, joint pain, unexplained ailments, anger, depression, suicidal thoughts, just to name a few.
To those blaming her already, may this never happen to you or yours.