I knew an older couple, they were so very much in love, so into each other, displayed their affection publicly, had businesses together, kept a joint account but sadly they fell apart. It had to do with an affair by the man. On discovery, the marriage fell like a pack of cards. The woman who loved him with everything that she had, hated him with the same passion and went on to destroy everything they had built together.
There was a day I was with the wife; we were in the car driving down a two-way street, when we saw the husband pass by in his car. He saw his ex-wife, their eyes met, and both of them looked straight ahead as if they had both seen a stranger. There was no acknowledgment of each other in any way whatsoever. I have often wondered what went through both their minds on that day, if they had asked themselves how after 20 years of marriage they had become strangers, how a love that was so strong could end without redemption. I wondered if they missed each other, if they regretted the part they both played in the breakup and the death of their relationship, if they compared their present partners with the former and pinned secretly for them because though the man remarried twice, the woman never did but had several companions over the years.
Love can end and does end, and it is very impractical to think it can never end. There’s no one reason why love ends and what will break one marriage may strengthen the other. Love ends because people change, make costly mistakes, fall out of love, are affected by the death of a loved one, become addicted, have financial losses, etc. For many couples, the love dissipates so slowly they might not even realise it’s gone until they look for it. This happens mostly with women because they tend to smother their discontent in a relationship mostly because of upbringing and the mentality that a woman is responsible for keeping the home. They maintain a façade that all is well until slowly they come to the acceptance that they are emotionally done and that all the love they have for their partner is gone. Even then, they may not leave the relationship for several reasons- children, financial ease or lack of finances, etc.
For some couples, a partner or both parties may see love slipping through the cracks of their lives. If seen on time and both parties are willing to close ranks, they may be able to stop the love from dying but as it is most often the case, the death of love is mostly noticed by just one partner who feverishly tries all they can to stop the relationship from dying, sometimes they succeed but a lot of times they just buy time especially if the other partner is not willing or able to put in the work necessary to save the relationship.
For yet some couples, love goes with a bang quickly changing into hate or resentment. This is mostly in the case of adulterous behaviour, rape, sexual deviance, etc things that touch on the values and beliefs of the other partner that make them unable to associate or identify with their partner.
What happens when the love has gone?
For the person who was unsuspecting- bewilderment, disbelief, anger, pain, sorrow and a sense of loss. The person typically goes through all the stages of grief as they try to make sense of what is happening in their lives. I have known people to question the reality of their relationship especially when their partners have broken their trust. I have known them to try bargaining, beg for second chances, make amends, do things to try to appease or please the other party even at the risk of their own unhappiness. I have seen people explode with anger for being put in an unpleasant situation which they never bargained for, anger that they are left alone whilst their partner moves on with their lives shirking responsibility for the pain he or she has caused and I have seen people come to terms with the situation, accepting it and moving on.
I have also seen people who have allowed the death of a valued relationship or marriage change them for the worse, where they can’t open their hearts to others nor trust anyone. People who refuse to move on from the heartbreak even though their partners have left them and who are quick to blame their partner’s gender for everything that goes wrong in a relationship and punish the sins of their exes on everyone they go into a relationship with.
Can one party bring love back when it’s gone?
I went to a dinner organised by a friend. One of the couples at the dinner had been married, officially divorced and legally remarried. Like everyone at the dinner, I was curious to know how they came back together, and the wife stated that all through their separation, divorce and afterwards, she prayed and fasted and sent notes from time to time to her husband reminding him of what they had had together, her willingness to still have him back and her belief that their marriage could be restored until they finally came together. I must say that I was amazed at her story because I didn’t know if I had the fortitude to do all she did majorly because it shafts me to think I need to persuade someone to be with me (I don’t know their entire story so I can’t say for sure that she did beg for love). I must say though that their story is one of the few exceptions that I know because divorces can be so messy that most people that go through a divorce never can see themselves together again.
Conversely, I know a woman whose husband had asked for a divorce, but who refused on religious grounds insisting that she would not agree to a divorce and that their vows said till death do them part. They lived in a rented accommodation and one day the man told her that he had gotten another accommodation, had paid for one year rent for their present space and that she had the option to renew the rent or find another accommodation and he upped and left her.
I have told these two stories to show that there is a lot of undue pressure to keep the responsibility of the health and success of the home on the shoulders of one person. The truth is that no one person can make the marriage work if the other party is not at least willing to see it succeed. I am not saying it must be 50-50 but both parties must make an effort. Society tends to put that burden on the shoulders of women, telling them they are failures if their marriages fail but it is not true because it does take two to tango and whilst men may not feel the heat of societal disapproval as much as women do, a man that has been divorced especially more than once is viewed as having personal issues.
When we discover on time that love is going or gone there are steps we can take to ensure it doesn’t die completely but sincere and honest communication by both parties both with themselves and each other is vital to ensuring the success of these steps.
- We must be willing to accept our fault for the state of the relationship and not pass the blame on our partners.
- We must be willing to be held accountable for our past, present and future actions and not sweep aside our partners feelings or objections.
- If need be, and it is highly encouraged, we must be willing to see a counselor and work out our differences tenaciously.
The truth is that making the decision to end a relationship is always a tough call for any of the genders because no matter how bad the relationship is, it is still familiar ground even though familiarity is not comparable to safety both physically and emotionally. One will have to ask themselves tough questions such as “do I want to fix it”? Is the relationship worth fixing or salvaging? Do I deserve better than I am getting? Is my partner willing or able to change?
Asking those questions may help determine how to end the relationship. I am of the opinion, especially where children are concerned, that it does no party any good to end the relationship in a bad and acrimonious manner because the children will still bring both parents together whether they like it or not.
When love dies, it serves a big blow to our self esteem, our belief in our ability to satisfy or fulfill another person but it is not a time for only self recrimination or to think that we’ve wasted our time in that relationship. Relationships also bring happy memories and lovely people our way and there is no reason why we should regret the good times. When love dies it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with us or even the other person. Sometimes it just happens even with the best of intentions.
My advice if you’ve found that love has gone is – Know yourself better, love yourself more, learn the lessons your failed relationship has taught you, live in the now and not in the past, make room in your heart for love for surely it will find you and hopefully it will stay for longer and bring you much joy.