I had a talk with two generationZ’s lately, the conversations were had at different times and without the knowledge of both individuals – male and female who incidentally are Nigerians.
Though both lived on different continents, one of them here in Nigeria and the other in Canada, they both had similar perspectives to life, marriage and child bearing. Our conversations unearthed the revelation that they and many people in their age group were seriously considering not being married or having children for many reasons.
- There was a dearth of good men and women and many people were leading and living different lives.
- Social media was awash with stories of infidelity by both genders and they wondered whether true love was still possible and that they would rather not love than love and be hurt.
- There were different ways available to them of fulfilling their sexual and parental needs apart from marriage and childbirth.
- They could not justify bringing children into a world with so much hurt, injustice and pervasiveness.
- Having and bringing up children was very expensive and with the worldwide recession and what they currently earned, they didn’t think they could afford to have children.
- They were agreeably self-centred and thought they were incapable of putting their children’s needs and interests above their own and that they might be resentful of having to cater for their children all their lifetime.
- Children were vulnerable and needy and they didn’t think they could love and take care of another human being when they hadn’t finished taking care of themselves.
- They were afraid of passing down defects, especially genetic sickness like sickle cell anaemia or even mental illness to their children.
I was surprised but not really surprised, because, when I became of child bearing age, though I very much wanted to get married, I was very conscious of the lifelong burden that child rearing puts on parents and the fact that one was a parent till they died.
Also, I was rather anxious of bringing up my children in this perilous times especially because as a Christian I believed we were living in the end times and that the antichrist could show up at anytime but those thoughts never lingered for long because it was a given that I will get married and have children. In those days, it was believed that all would marry and that being single was a curse, that one of the most important signs that a marriage was blessed was the birthing of children and that those who have children are fortunate and blessed and those who are unable to procreate are cursed and deprived.
Marriage and childbirth was what every woman and man looked forward to and so I thought and believed. But slowly, I am beginning to understand that everyone will not marry and that not everyone will parent a child and scandalous as it may seem, that not everyone wants to get married or have a child.
I am learning that marriage and children do not necessarily make one happy and that we can live fulfilling and impactful lives in their absence.
Not everyone makes a choice not to get married or have children and for those that don’t either because (a) there is a paucity of suitable spouses especially the male gender (b) infertility issues- I know couples who are told there is nothing wrong with either partner and though they have tried severally, do not have children (C) incompatibility issues- I have heard of and personally know one couple who were married for years and didn’t have children and after they left the relationship and remarried other people each had children in their new marriages.
There is the tendency to think life is against them and that their lives would be perfect only if…….. but the truth is that for everything there are advantages and disadvantages and most times we do not cherish what we have until we lose them (loss in this case not necessarily being bad).
My advice is enjoy your life, live a full life, do not put your life on hold until you marry or have children, don’t make bad choices because you’re desperate to find love, love on other people’s children. Love is never too late and it will come when it will.
Then there are those who will make that decision to not get married or have children for whatever reasons, I know of men who would rather not get married because they can’t live with a woman due to several reasons, promiscuity being the least of the reasons and women who don’t have the yearning to become mothers or wives. I remember a married lady who answered the question whether she liked children by asking if they came fried or boiled.
For many of us, especially the religious folks, not having children is anathema. The holy books refer to children as a blessing and not wanting a child is almost tantamount to spitting in God’s face. It’s the main reason why abortion and birth control is a NO for most people. However, the truth is that for obvious and not so known reasons, the command of God to multiply and replenish the earth is not being followed with much vigour, unlike in the past when people had as many children as they could birth. There is a conscious effort in having only the number one can cater for financially, physically and emotionally. It is a rarity nowadays to see families with five children. It should not come as a surprise to us therefore that our children are musing around not being married or having kids and wanting to live their lives on their own terms.
I really don’t know what to make of the idea and whilst I do not regret having children or getting married I do know that if I were a young adult in this time and age I would think deeply before engaging in both marriage and parenting. Also, I feel that our lamentations about how hard marriage is and what it takes to bring up children may have scared and scarred our children who seem to lack resilience and the wherewithal to be strong. Nevertheless, I make bold to say that not being married or childless should never be seen as a curse and we should not wait to achieve those honourable milestones before we start to enjoy life and all that it holds.
We should also desist from thinking that those that don’t want kids or marriage are selfish and lacking purpose. As we all know, most of the selfless people in today’s world – priests and nuns have given up marriage and children to serve God and others. We should also not think that single people or childless couples do not deserve to be happy or that their resources would be better spent to better the lives of those with children.
The truth of the matter is that marriage and children and the lack of it should not be forced on people. We can live fruitful, purposeful and impactful lives whether or not we marry and have children.
As the Yoruba say, he that has children will die because of them and he that has no children will die because he has none, either way we will die so why don’t we live with or without them?