This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man -Shakespeare
Two days before Mr Aisi died, he did a CTScan of his bone structure from his head to his toes. When the results came out a day after, his doctor called for me. I had already seen the results and from my little knowledge as a layman coupled with consulting “Dr Google”, I knew he wasn’t going to tell me anything good, so as soon as I entered his office I told him I didn’t really want to hear what he had to say but I couldn’t run away from it either. He looked at me in surprise and asked why I said so and I told him what I had surmised from my research. He confirmed that much and gave me his frank opinion which I greatly appreciated. Mr Aisi’s passing 24 hours later took us both by surprise but I am glad his doctor did not hide the truth or facts from me.
There are five persons you must be totally honest with – yourself, your partner, your lawyer, your doctor and your accountant/ tax man – Tara Aisida
If anything has defined the way I live my life. It’s being honest with myself. Since I was a child I have always wanted to be in the know of the true state of affairs of everything concerning me. I have always had a compelling need to know how and where I stand on every matter and in everything. I hate deception, hypocrisy, doublespeak and unnecessary secretiveness with a passion.
It is my mantra that in all things I must be true and honest with everyone especially myself even when it hurts. I don’t like surprises when it comes to people’s characters or the way a situation unfolds and although I am unable to factor in all variables in my environment and situations, I hate to be made to think I am sitting pretty on something when in fact there is nothing underneath me.
I am the woman who would rather my husband tell me he is having an affair than for me to find out that I am not the only woman in his life. I would rather he told me he had a child outside than for me to discover it at his death. I would rather my children tell me for instance that they are gay than hide the truth from me. I would rather you tell me the ills my loved ones are up to than think I may be upset with you for telling me.
Some years back, a younger friend called me to ask if I was aware of a situation about a loved one. I was totally in the dark about the information she gave me and I told her that much but I thanked her about it and promised to look into it. It was as she said and I was able to prevent the situation from escalating. Till this day I owe her my undying gratitude and respect for the favour she did me although I was initially embarrassed that she was aware of the trouble my loved one had gotten into.
Honesty weighs more than gold in my estimation and I would rather follow for instance a pastor who confesses to adultery, repents and moves on than one who because of his status cannot come out openly to say he has done wrong and covers any attempt to talk about it with “Touch not my anointed”. In my relationships I would rather demand to hear the truth even if that truth hurts like hell. So if you don’t want to be with me, tell me to my face rather than manage the relationship and I will love you even the more for it, show me your weakness than pretend to be strong all the time and so far you are willing to work at them I would accept that they come with the package.
Being honest with myself is the reason why I have grown comfortable in my skin and why I am self-aware and so open about my thoughts, questions and beliefs. It’s the reason why although I do not like certain parts of my body I am learning to live with them.
I must say that it takes a lot of courage to be true to one’s self. I have confronted my truths many a time with my heart beating fast because of the pain that I knew was sure to follow but I would have it no other way. There is a liberation in knowing that there is no reason to hide or fear or be caught in a lie. It’s just like the fear of death. When death comes against all odds, the fear of it happening again to that same person vanishes as we can only die once.
Being honest with oneself is about telling yourself the whole story and not just the parts that paint you in good light, it’s about being able to look at yourself in the mirror and seeing both the good and the bad and acknowledging and accepting them, it’s about being able to listen to and adjust to objective criticism, being able to acknowledge where we are right and wrong and it’s also about being able to manage our experiences and expectations of others.
I understand that many people may not be like me and that some of us may not be able to handle our truths and it is okay. Not all of us can be the same. In fact, for some of us our truths have damaged us significantly so that we say we will rather not know the truth and want to stay in our delusion protecting our minds and mental health. I totally understand that reasoning but I must say that ignoring the facts does not fix it, rather enables it to grow until we can no longer ignore the situation.
Whatever position we take, it will pay us to be honest about the following things
- Our problems in general and the part we’ve played in them. Until we acknowledge we have a problem we cannot solve it and though some problems tend to grow in size than diminish, some problems cease to exist when we acknowledge them .
- Our relationships- The most passionate relationships are those between two people who are completely honest with themselves and with each other- Tony Robbins.
- Our expectations of life, ourselves and others. Until we acknowledge that life is not fair and that we and others have limitations we will live with a feeling of dissatisfaction and have no fulfillment.
- Our fears and weaknesses- so we can manage our fears and compensate for or avoid our weaknesses.
- Our strengths – so we do not allow other people’s opinion of us to stop us from rising to our full potential.
- Our needs and desires – so we can harness, manage, curb or satisfy them.
If I may add a note of warning, being honest does not mean
- being judgmental or overly critical with ourselves or others.
- being rude to others because we are being honest with them. I have had to apologise for the way I said things but not what I said.
- having to run roughshod over people irrespective of their feelings and beliefs.
Today, take time to reflect on all areas of your life, ask your self pertinent questions, shine a light into the dark corners of your experiences and desires, own them, see them for what they are, let go of your excuses for the way you deceive yourself and for how others treat or have treated you, accept people for who they are and not what you want them to be, drop the burdens you have carried and the lies you have told yourself for so long and live the wholesome and fulfilling life that you deserve.
The most fulfilling careers happen when we are in touch with what we really want out of life. When you learn to be honest with yourself, you gain self-esteem, compassion and an unshakeable belief in yourself. -Tony Robbins.